


a thousand miles away (from the day that we started)

by perfectdagger (sincerelyste)



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: (kinda), Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Exes to Lovers, Flashbacks, M/M, Pining, Post-Break Up, School Reunion, ex-lovers, time capsule
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-17
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:01:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 88,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25960246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sincerelyste/pseuds/perfectdagger
Summary: Finally caught up with what Niall’s proposing, Harry is taken aback by the reminder of the time capsule box they had set in his family’s old bungalow back when they had just left Sixth Form.It’s not that he had never thought about it. He might’ve thought about it more frequently in the weeks and months following their stay, once or twice when Harry himself had been back there. But it was not something that, unlike Niall, Harry had been interested enough in to set up a reminder for ten years later.Maybe five years ago it still would’ve mattered to him. Given the circumstances now and how much his life has changed, those letters remained buried in the back of his mind, just like they probably still are next to one of the trees at his family property.Five years after his break up with Louis and ten since they've left school, Harry finds himself hosting a reunion at his family bungalow, having to face his ex again and the feelings he had left behind.Or, a time capsule au
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 94
Kudos: 134





	1. Summer 2020

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there, it's been a while! Here I am again after having this story sitting on my gdocs for months. I've had this idea for a while and it's been so hard to write it due to many reasons, but I'm fully committed to it!   
> This idea came to me after my dear Rafa and I were talking about an episode of This Is Us (the tv show obviously lol) in which they had a time capsule and I just had this urge to write a time capsule au. Then I watched a Brazilian movie called "Entre Nós" which is about some friends reuniting after 10 years to read the letters they had written to themselves in the past and it got me even more inspired, and so voilá, this new baby started coming to life!
> 
> Just FYI, for the purposes of this fic all the boys are 28 years old (Niall's actually 27 but that's a technicality), they all lived in Holmes Chapel and went to Sixth Form together. And as it's set in 2020, it's a world where the pandemic doesn't exist, obviously.
> 
> Thanks to Syn as always for listening to me complaining about my writer's block but always pushing me to keep writing and being my ultimate pardner.  
> Thanks to Genny for being my test-drive reader and always cheering on me!  
> Massive thanks to Seed and Toni for giving me a hand with beta'ing and britpicking it!  
> Special thanks to Rafa for inspiring the idea, again, and for the amazing fic moodboard!  
> And last but not least, thanks to everyone already reading this!  
> Hope you'll enjoy this big mess xx
> 
> Here's a [Spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/60avz4kphzru2gv38iCOCE?si=aOiJuK-gQsShvkJvE2MHuw) for you to listen along while reading, with songs that basically tell H&L's story and feelings throughout this fic!

_I’m always soft for you, that’s the problem. You could come knocking on my door five years from now and I would open my arms wider and say ‘come here, it’s been too long, it felt like home with you’._

**Azra T., My Heart is Full of Open Windows**

At first, the buzzing seems to be something far away from Harry’s mind. There, but distant, like part of a dream he can’t quite grasp. He feels himself in that limbo state where he knows he’s asleep, but he doesn’t want to wake up.

The buzzing noise invades his subconsciousness again and, after a moment, Harry is fully awake. He screws his eyes shut, trying to go back to the endless blackness behind his eyelids.

Another buzz reaches his ears and he slowly opens his eyes, meeting the weak sunlight entering his bedroom. It’s a moment before his eyes adjust to it and he can make out the ceiling and the fan attached to it, moving at the slowest speed he had set before getting into bed in an attempt to soothe the mid-July summer air while he slept.

Laying on his back, confused, he focuses on the sound of the ceiling fan, because that’s not the sound that woke him up. He leads one hand to pinch the bridge of his nose, then the back of his hand passes over his eyes, closing them again. He stretches out his other arm until it reaches the headboard of his bed. He stretches his whole body, a lazy yawn coming from his mouth as he pulls the thin bedsheet over his body again to try and go back to sleep when the buzzing sound, now louder and clearer, forces him to open his eyes one more time.

“Fuck me,” Harry drawls as he turns on his other side, patting the empty space on his king-size bed, shuffling a little closer to the nightstand to reach for his phone.

When he grabs it, Harry winces at the brightness of the screen as it lights up with a photo of his fluffy grey cat sleeping on top of his laptop. Just like the cat, he would very much like to still be asleep as he takes a look at the time.

 _8:28  
_ _Saturday, 18 July_

Who in their right mind is texting Harry incessantly so early on a Saturday morning?

The answer to that question is right below the time, with a string of messages notifications.

The first messages he reads throw him off a bit.

 **Lou @ its fucking time 1m ago  
** Thats cus i have insomnia and you know it you fucker

 **Niall H @ its fucking time 2m ago  
** Also fuck u Tommo u r one to talk u r also up so dont  
complain !!!

He can’t process Louis’ message for two reasons. One, he forgot he never changed Louis’ contact name, so the nickname makes his stomach churn. Two, since when does Louis have insomnia and why does Niall know about it?

He’s still confused when he reads Niall’s message, but somehow, when he finds the rest of them, he’s hit with a wave of homesickness and longing. The banter is too familiar and yet something that hasn’t been part of his life in so long.

 **Niall H @ its fucking time 2m ago  
** Hiya Payno! Lets wait and see if @Z Malik and @H answer  
then

 **Lou @ its fucking time 3m ago  
** Ya clearly don’t have a fucking life Neil its too fucking  
early for this shit but yeah sure just dunno what the  
othersare up to tho aside from Payno who also has  
nothing better to do on a saturday morning

When he sees Louis’ message right below Niall’s, he takes a deep breath. It shouldn’t affect him how blasé Louis is about it all, how nonchalant he is in not caring about what the _others_ (that would be Harry – and also Zayn) are doing. It shouldn’t throw him off that Louis hasn’t been interested in keeping up with Harry’s out and abouts after five years. Harry himself hasn’t been checking Louis’ whereabouts recently, so of course, Louis wouldn’t care about his either. But still — it does make something bitter twist inside him.

He shakes off his thoughts as he catches up with the earlier messages.

 **Liam P @ its fucking time 18m ago  
** Morning Ni!  
Oh wow, I seriously didn’t remember that  
anymore! That’s fucking crazy but I’m in if you all are!

 **Niall H @ its fucking time 25m ago  
** I thought it would be nice if we could get together and  
remember the good ol days so i added all five of us to  
see whos available and of course if @H still has access  
to the bungalow and whatnot

 **Niall H @ its fucking time 26m ago  
** Well my calendar says its been 10 fucking years since we  
buried those letters in that time capsule at @H’s country  
bungalow and shit so i was wondering if yous r up for  
sticking to our promises and check them out ?

 **Niall H @ its fucking time 26m ago  
** Rise and shine u ungrateful bastards its been a while  
hasnt it

Finally caught up with what Niall’s proposing, Harry is taken aback by the reminder of the time capsule box they had set in his family’s old bungalow back when they had just left Sixth Form.

It’s not that he had never thought about it. He might’ve thought about it more frequently in the weeks and months following their stay, once or twice when Harry himself had been back there. But it was not something that, unlike Niall, Harry had been interested enough in to set up a reminder for ten years later.

Maybe five years ago it still would’ve mattered to him. Given the circumstances now and how much his life has changed, those letters remained buried in the back of his mind, just like they probably still are next to one of the trees at his family property.

Not really sure how to feel, he finally unlocks his phone and opens his Whatsapp chats to find the newest addition Niall named “its fucking time,” with a photo assigned to it that Harry’s certain is one of them all from way back in the days.

Tapping on the chat, Harry first goes straight to check the [photo](https://64.media.tumblr.com/625f3902b2a0ecaa59b3972057ae4b7c/235cee918cb2bee7-c7/s640x960/475632af8c8ed9fb0b35c5f471c71a36946e8963.jpg), which opens larger to show him his 18-year-old self beside the other four lads. He doesn’t recall when that picture was taken, but they all seem to be having a good time, probably messing around just like they always did.

To look at a younger version of himself is not what makes Harry stare at the photo. It’s the fact that Louis is by his side, practically glued to him. If younger Harry knew how that reality – which for him was a sure thing back then – would change, he’d probably kick older Harry in the arse. Harry has definitely kicked himself in the arse many times throughout the years for how things have gone wrong between him and Louis. Now, though, he only lives trying to forget his biggest regret.

He takes a deep breath and clicks away from the photo, going back to the chat and rereading the messages. He ponders over what and how to answer. There’s no question that he will answer them, though. It would just feel hypocritical not to do so after the long radio silence from him. Niall put him in the chat with the others for a reason. If he didn’t want Harry to be part of this reunion he’s planning, he wouldn’t have added him. Even though he hasn't been in contact with Niall in months, Liam even longer, Zayn probably a couple of years and Louis, well… since their fallout, he can’t help but feel cheerful that he has been included in those plans. He can’t deny that he has missed his friends, this part of his life he has left behind – by his own accord if he's being honest – but... maybe it’s not too late to make amends with them when the opportunity is presenting itself. Or some of them, anyway. Louis being in the picture is a big question mark, in every aspect.

Maybe it's wishful thinking, but it’s more than Harry has had in so long. He doesn’t know yet what will come from him talking to them, especially to Louis, but he definitely will never know if he doesn’t try.

Looking at Louis’ last message, Harry starts to type his reply.

_Oh wow hi everyone! Didn’t expect to be woken at arse crack in the morning on a Saturday by this, such a surprise. I’m impressed you kept a reminder of that Niall! Haha good memories from back then! And sure, I’m also in if you all are. The bungalow is still standing ten years later haha I can definitely check with my mum when we can use it, let’s just find the time :)_

He sends it, not sure what to expect and how the others will react to his message – if they will at all – but when he sees Niall already typing, his nerves calm down a bit.

 **Niall H  
** Fuck yeah Styles !!!! Sorry to wake u up lol but great that u r also in !!!! and oooh even better to hear the bungalow is still there

 **Niall H  
** Now we wait for @Z Malik to ignore us or not lol

 **Liam P  
** Hi Harry! Nice to hear from you, mate! :D

At Liam’s message to him, Harry starts to feel more relaxed, not so left out. He quickly writes a reply to both of them.

_No worries @Niall H haha I meant it was a nice surprise! :)_

_Hey @Liam P how is it going?_

Harry's expecting Liam or Niall to answer to him, but when it's Louis' name that appears as typing, his throat closes.

Louis hasn't answered Harry's messages in five years. How does one prepare for that after so long?

 **Lou  
** @Niall H How about apologizing to me as well? That's fucking rude

When he reads the message, he's certain that's not what he was expecting at all. He waits to see if Louis will say anything else, but a minute passes and nothing comes from him. Or anyone else for that matter.

Talk about being rude.

Harry doesn't even contemplate @'ing Louis because that would just make it even more awkward.

That's fine, though. If Louis intends to keep ignoring him just as he has done for the past five years, Harry can take it. He's been taking it for too long now.

It's not like he will get Louis to be amicable with him out of nowhere.

Harry waits another minute and sees that Liam's typing now. Thank Heavens for Liam Payne and his ability to break the ice.

 **Liam P  
** @H Doing fine, thanks for asking! And you? Still working at Azoff & Son firm?

He takes the opportunity to answer it as if Louis hasn’t put a big elephant in the room.

_@Liam P It's all great :) yeah, it's been two years now, I really like the place!_

A message from Niall comes mere seconds after this.

 **Niall H  
** @Lou YOU WERE ALREADY AWAKE STFU

 **Niall H  
** Anyways ......... glad to hear from u Harry ! I saw in the news the other day u guys won a lawsuit against Cowell Industries thats huge right ?

Harry laughs at Niall's response to Louis, knowing it’s just banter but feeling a tad vindicated to see someone yelling at Louis. The second message makes Harry smile, proud of himself at the mention of that case. Maybe Niall doesn't even know he had been the one working directly to get Cowell Industries to pay a millionaire fine in environmental law infringements, but he's glad Niall associates the work with him at all. He's about to reply to Niall when Louis starts typing again.

 **Lou  
** Out of my will dickhead but that doesn't mean i wasn't just chilling in peace without being bothered by you

 **Lou  
** Cowell Industries thing is the one with the landfill deal? that was shite

The fact that Louis is not directly talking to him shouldn't bother him, nope, not at all.

(Although, it really does.)

Having had radio silence from Louis for so long, he knows how to handle it. But indifference is something that takes an entirely different effort to ignore and keep his cool. He has been the bigger person out of their situation for so long, he won't stop now. He can be a decent and better person than Louis instead of being petty.

_Yes, that's exactly the one. It was a hard case but in the end we made that bastard pay :)_

He doesn't tag him, but he answers in a way that replies both Niall's and Louis’ messages without making him look like a dickhead (contrary to some people).

 **Niall H  
** Siick !!! Congrats r in order then !

 **Niall H  
** Also @Lou kiss my arse ;)

 **Lou  
** No thanks it's too hairy (:

 **Z Malik  
** What a lovely way to be welcomed in this group chat!

Harry lets out a loud chuckle when Zayn appears. Such great timing to take the attention away from Harry, along with Niall and Louis’ weird banter.

 **Niall H  
** ZEEEE MY MAN U R HERE FINALLY !!!!!!!!!!!!! ONLY U LEFT TO SAY YES TO THE REUNION CMON IT WONT BE THE SAME WITHOUT U !!!!!!

Harry's ready for Zayn to reply to Niall's message when instead, once again, the top of the chat says, “Lou is typing…”. He holds his breath because if Louis sends a message to Zayn when he can’t even bring himself to acknowledge Harry since they’ve started talking in the chat, he might lose his patience completely.

 **Lou  
** Can you stop SCREAMING? it's barely 9 am Horan please have manners

 **Lou  
** @Z Malik What's up Malik?

Harry doesn't know if he should throw his phone across the room or if he should finally type a reply directly to Louis asking what his problem is.

Well. Harry knows damn well what his problem is.

The problem is that Harry broke off their two-year engagement to study abroad and along with it broke Louis’ heart. That's the fucking problem. And now, five years later, Louis still won't talk to him. Won't even acknowledge Harry's existence in a fucking Whatsapp group. And if that's how he's going to act, how will this reunion be a good thing when they'll have to interact in person?

It almost makes him lose all hope that this will turn things around for him as a way to reconnect with his friends – or former friends. Harry doesn't know what they are to him anymore. He only knows what his relationship is like with Louis: ex-boyfriend, ex-fiancé, possibly the person Louis hates the most in the world. And for Harry, Louis will always be the one he took for granted.

Harry lets himself sink completely into the mattress as he locks his phone for a moment, tossing it beside him on the bed. He closes his eyes and tries to gather himself, breathing in and out, pushing away these angry and negative thoughts.

He can't let Louis get under his skin like that so easily. They may not have spoken in a long while, but he thinks he knows Louis well enough to know that he's doing it on purpose, precisely to make Harry feel bad. That's what he does. He doesn't do it deliberately, but he has this way of showing how angry he is at a situation by being passive-aggressive, by ignoring it until it blows up in his face. He's done it before when it all came to a blow-up between the both of them. He's doing that to Harry once again now.

But Harry can't let him have this control over him. Despite Louis' behaviour, the boys talking to him is such a good opportunity for Harry to feel like his old self. He's missed having his old friends in his life, he can't deny it. He just hasn't reached out to them because when it all happened, Harry was the one who went away, who avoided contact and pushed everyone away. Reconnecting with them has been a slow process. At best, he can say they're former classmates and acquaintances through social media. Harry doesn't want only that, though. He wants friends who actually know him.

It's not like he doesn't have friends. He has a few close ones from the law firm. Mitchel, Sarah, Adam, Helene, Lambert and Harris to name a few and he even considers he has a close relationship with his boss Jeff and his wife Glenn, but... he's never had a real bond with any of them the way he's had with Louis, Niall, Liam and Zayn in the past.

So, he won’t let Louis ruin this for him. This is his chance and if Louis doesn't want to have anything to do with Harry, if he wants to keep ignoring him or pretend Harry's a ghost or whatever... Harry will let him. Because his friendship with the other three lads never depended on Louis.

He was childhood friends with Liam and Zayn before Niall and Louis moved to Holmes Chapel, but they all clicked together in no time. His and Louis’ relationship was a consequence of their friendship, not the other way around. Their relationship sunk but they could have remained friends.

Only Louis didn't want it, would rather accuse Harry of being selfish and breaking his heart, not giving them a chance to even try. Now they have that opportunity again, but if he feels so above it all, above Harry... Harry won’t beg him otherwise. He's done that enough already and won't submit himself to it again.

He'll let Louis be and whatever happens with this reunion, Harry will try to make the most of it.

That is, if Zayn says yes to it.

His eyes startle open when he feels movement between his legs. He looks at the end of the bed to see that Felix has jumped up on it, probably noticing that Harry was already awake and coming inside to demand to be fed. Harry pats the mattress, calling the cat's attention to come closer to him. When Felix bumps his head against Harry's hand, Harry scratches in between his ears, smiling as Felix purs contently.

Feeling more composed, he fetches his phone again, lifting it to light the lock screen up and seeing there are new messages from the group chat. He doesn't even read the notifications, only swiping the one on the top to the side to unlock his phone and go straight to the chat.

 **Z Malik  
** Horan's still energetic no matter what time of the day huh?

 **Z Malik  
** @Lou Great, Tommo! and you?

 **Z Malik  
** I had to scroll up to see the rest of the messages and hmmm that doesn't sound like a bad idea. Those letters will still be readable tho? LOL

 **Niall H  
** Someone has to be to balance Tommo's grumpiness XD BUT HELL YES MALIK I KNEW I COULD COUNT ON YOU !!!!!!! idk man i hope they r if they arent at least the trip to the bungalow will be worth it

 **Z Malik  
** Tru that, that place was sick!

 **Liam P  
** Hey Zayn, you are in too? Awesome!

 **Lou  
** @Z Malik if you caught up with the messages you know how i'm doing since Niall Horan can't fucking take a hint but despite that i’m doing fine man :)

 **Lou  
** Alright then this is really on? We're doing it? Is this real life? Are we going back to 2010? I feel like Marty McFly right now

 **Niall H  
** McFly went back to the future Tommo

 **Liam P  
** He first went back to the past to then come back to the future in fact.

 **Z Malik  
** Did he really? Because if we analyse it, he went back to the past to go back to the present, which is the past's future so in a sense he did go back to the future, but then he went to a further future, but came back to the present that was an alternative-reality-present, then he had to go back to the past to fix the present but then he got stuck in the past and had to go back further into the past to then come back to the present. That movie should actually be called Back To The Present BOOM! *mic drop*

 **Niall H  
** I forgot we had actual NERDS in this gc -.-

 **Lou  
** Thaaaank you NERDS for shutting up Neil 8)

 **Niall H  
** Anywayssssss .... yes we doin it lads fuck yeah

 **Niall H  
** Again just waitin for the green light from @H's bungalow

 **Niall H  
** @H you fell back asleep?

 **Lou  
** ** _I_** should fall back asleep this is taking ages to plan already and we didn't even plan anything

 **Lou  
** So yeah, if Harry's bungalow is up for it, then i guess we all are

It's not the kind of message Harry expected to read, but it does make him feel slightly better. Louis didn't acknowledge him per se but finally said his name, which can be considered progress. Maybe Harry doesn't have to worry that much, who knows. Only time and more interactions between them will tell. And if it's up to him, Harry will try to keep their interactions as normal as possible, but still respecting Louis' space.

_@Niall H Not asleep, just taking care of my cat :)_

_Great that we're all on board, I'll definitely check when the bungalow is available as soon as possible, don't worry :)_

*

Harry takes care of Felix properly and takes a shower after his morning yoga. It’s only after he’s put his breakfast plates in the kitchen sink and settled on the couch that he looks at his phone again.

There are no new messages from the group chat, but two new ones from Niall. Probably from when Harry had been showering.

 **Niall H 21m ago  
** Voice Message

 **Niall H 20m ago  
** Hey H can we talk?

He frowns, wondering what Niall would want to talk to him in private about that he could not say in the group chat he had created that morning.

Maybe he has an inkling, but with Niall, it could be anything, so he unlocks his phone to check the messages. He takes a look at his chat with Niall, the last conversation being the messages they exchanged on Harry’s birthday in February.

It saddens him a bit, still thinking about how he’s distanced himself from his friends that once were so close to him. He knows it’s a two-way street, but he’s also aware that it’s mostly his fault that he’s not in the loop with them. Now, though, maybe things can change. Not go back to how they were, no. He knows that’s not possible, but this small interaction they’ve already had today and the prospect of meeting with them again does feel like a good start.

Putting his thoughts aside, Harry presses play on Niall’s voice message.

_Hey... Hey, Harry. I was gonna write but I felt better sending an audio message, hope you don’t mind. So first I just wanted to check you’re okay with the group chat. Sorry for including you in there without even talking to you. I didn’t talk to anyone really, I just did it, y’know? But like, maybe I should’ve, especially with you and Louis… I… hope it’s okay. And second I also hope it’s okay that we’re planning on meeting at your place. I know you answered and said that’s fine by you, but really, tell me if that’s too much. I just got excited about the day finally coming and it only made sense for us to go back there, so yeah, really if it’s not fine for you, lemme know alright? Cheers mate._

The audio is less than a minute long, but Niall doesn’t seem rushed. He sounds genuinely apologetic and concerned and Harry wonders if his replies to the group chat seemed closed off or felt ungenuine that Niall might be regretting having suggested their reunion.

That’s not what Harry intended and he needs Niall to know that.

_Hi Ni! Hey, don’t worry really. I’m completely fine with that, even excited to meet with you guys. There’s no problem at all. Sorry if I made it seem otherwise._

Niall’s status reads as _online_ and Harry immediately gets the two blue checks that his message was read. Niall starts typing but then stops. Harry waits to see if he’ll resume but instead he’s surprised by an incoming voice call.

After staring at his phone for a couple of seconds, he hits the answer button with an amused smile on his face.

“Hey, Niall.”

“Harry, mate. Hope it’s okay I called.” He sounds chirpy as always and it’s somewhat comforting to listen to his friend’s voice again. It’s been a long while; Harry doesn’t even remember the last time they spoke to each other.

“No problem at all, mate,” Harry replies, hoping again he doesn’t sound uninterested, hoping Niall knows it’s more than fine for them to be in touch again.

“I was gonna reply to you, but I don’t know, man, I just felt like I needed to apologize in person… or like, in real time, I don’t know,” he lets out a chuckle, “I’d just feel better hearing from you, knowing for sure you’re fine with it.”

The smile stays on Harry’s face as he listens to his friend and even though he can sense Niall’s worried, it’s good to know that he just wants to make sure they are completely okay.

“I get it, yeah. And it means a lot, really. But as I said, truly Ni, there’s no problem with us meeting and going back to the bungalow.”

“Glad to know, H, for real. I was just worried, y’know. It didn’t even cross my mind it’d be a problem when I put you together in the chat. Only after I stopped and thought ‘oh maybe I should’ve checked first’. I mean, I could’ve texted you first, since it’s your family’s place and also, to know if you’d be fine with Louis…”

“Hm, yeah, I understand, Ni,” he interrupts Niall briefly. It’s not that he doesn’t want Niall worrying about him and Louis, but he just doesn’t want to think that maybe Niall’s more concerned that Louis wouldn’t be okay with them meeting because of him. “But for me, it’s alright. I don’t mind. I hope the other lads won’t mind either. It’s good to be in touch with you guys again, all of you, even Louis, yeah.”

There’s a beat where Harry hears Niall inhaling deeply and he imagines Niall’s thinking about what to say next.

“I talked to him, y'know? I mean, I’ve been… shit. I’m such a bad friend, Hazza. I’m sorry we haven’t been in touch as much.”

Harry sighs, slouching down on his couch a bit more, one hand running through his still-wet hair. Niall sounds so heartbroken and it pains Harry to think he feels that way.

“Niall, you don’t have to apologize for that. It was, I don’t know, the course of life I guess?” He tries to argue, trying to take away the blame from himself as well. “We all went on with our lives and it was easier for you guys to stay closer anyway. I was away, a continent away, and life gets in the way even when we try not to let it and... Well, the breakup might’ve added to that, but. You’re not a bad friend, Niall. If you were, I’m just as bad. We still talked though, didn’t we?”

“You’re right, yeah. I just wish I had done more. I just felt kinda lost, y’know? It’s been a long time and I just didn't know how to reach out more with everything that was going on. And… I don’t know, I’ve been waiting for a cue, maybe, to bring everybody together. I just didn’t know how and when I remembered the time capsule and that it’s been ten years since then, I just thought, why not? I know you and Louis have your baggage and all that, but it’s been, what? Almost five years now, right?

“And I might be reading into things, but as the years went by, I'm not saying he’s gotten over what happened between you two, but if we speak about it or you in some way, it’s not as bad as it was a couple of years ago. I… it’s not my place to say anything, Harry, but I just thought now would be a good time to get the lads together. Maybe a year ago I wouldn’t even consider this if the anniversary were to happen then. I would brush it off and forget about it altogether, but, I don’t know, man, I really think this is a good time.”

Harry takes in everything Niall’s just said and it’s a lot to process. He doesn’t know what to focus on and he tries, so much, not to hang on to the part about Louis. It’s not his place to think about how Louis feels about him anymore.

“I’m glad you feel that way, Ni. Really. That you feel like our friendship is worth reliving. Between me and you, and with all the others, regardless of what happened. We dealt with what happened the way we did and there’s nothing we can change about that, but… maybe yeah, it’s a good time now to reconnect somehow,” he confesses, hoping to convey how much he wants to turn a page on them drifting apart. “And as for Louis,” he pauses, trying to sound as impartial as he can, “I also hope he’s truly okay with it. If you think so, then I trust you, mate.”

Harry’s not expecting Louis to be the most excited about this reunion but he’s had some time to analyse how their conversation went. If Louis’ messages in the group chat are anything to go by, either he’s putting up a brave face or he honestly doesn’t care that he and Harry are going to see each other after so long. Which means that he’s either let go of what he felt towards Harry (the good and the bad) or he’s just being indifferent.

“Yeah, yeah…” Niall mutters through the phone. “It’s… I mean, I can’t get inside his head and know for sure how he’s feeling, but we’ve talked just before I sent you a message and he says he’s cool with it, for old time’s sake and… I don’t wanna pick a side or anything but, I guess it’s about time he let go of this grudge between you two. We were all friends once, right? There’s no harm in getting together just to be friends again.”

Harry doesn’t know if he can say that what Louis felt towards him was a grudge. If it is, then it’s better than thinking Louis’ been hating him for years. He stopped wondering if Louis still loved or hated him a long time ago, though.

“Totally, that’s what I hope for, Niall,” Harry replies, once again trying to focus on the big picture.

“Great, I’m glad we’re really on the same page about it, that we’re all up for it!” Niall sounds more optimistic than before and Harry’s glad that Niall’s so excited about this reunion. He is too, he gets more excited the more he can look at it as a way to have a good time with his old friends. “And so, we’ll keep talking to set the details about it, right? You’ll check with your mum about the house then?”

Harry smiles to himself, thinking about the bungalow and how full of life it will be with the five of them there. “Yeah, sure. I was planning on talking to her later today and I’ll get back to you as soon as I have the a-okay. But I’m sure we can go there with no problems. Last time we used it was for the New Years, probably I’ll just have to show up there earlier to clean the house and stuff.”

“Cool, mate! Then we can decide what we’ll do there, what each one can bring… Oh, we can make a video call, get everybody together, I think it’ll be good too, eh?”

Niall’s enthusiasm is contagious and Harry can’t help but let out a small laugh.

“Sure, that works for me too.”

It’s just as he speaks that it dawns on Harry that if they do that, it will be the first time he’ll be seeing Louis in person since their break-up.

He swallows nervously, hoping Niall doesn’t catch it through the phone.

Well, if it’s not through a video call, then Harry will have to see Louis for the first time when they meet with everybody else. And from the two options, having to face Louis through a video call seems less nerve-wracking than having real Louis standing in front of him.

“That’s settled then, Styles,” Niall says, and it doesn’t sound like he notices anything different in Harry’s behaviour. “Well, I better get going, sorry for calling and all that,” he apologies once again, but this time it’s less sorrowful.

“Nah, it’s all good, Horan, for real. Glad we could talk,” Harry reassures him.

“Me too, mate. Me too. Talk to you soon then, bye Harry.”

“Bye, Ni.”

When the call ends Harry keeps staring at the open chat with Niall. He scrolls up a little bit more to see the sparse conversations they’ve had. He knows that a couple of years back, there should be more exchanges between them, but his phone doesn’t show that.

He curses at himself for the time he had to change mobiles and Whatsapp hadn’t backed up correctly.

His stomach churns at the thought.

How much had he lost from his conversations with Louis?

Harry leaves Niall’s conversation and goes to the main chat page. He doesn’t even try scrolling through all his chats because Louis’ isn’t there. He pulls downs at the screen though, making the archived chats show up.

There’s only one chat there and he can’t remember when the last time he looked at it was.

He put it there for that reason. To avoid looking at it. To avoid waiting. To avoid making himself have any hope that Louis would ever answer him again.

And just as he taps on Louis’ chat and the conversation opens, the messages are still there, as if still mocking him.

**19 dec 2015**

_Lou  
_ _I’ve tried calling a hundred times since yesterday  
_ _I know you don’t wanna pick up, won’t listen to my voicemails  
_ _And I’m pretty sure you’ll just ignore whatever message I send you too  
_ _If you haven’t blocked my number yet  
_ _But please don’t do it. We gotta talk, you gotta let me talk to you  
_ _I wanna fix this, I know I screwed up but you didn’t even try to listen to me  
_ _I didn’t mean it like that, I never meant to hurt you so bad  
_ _I can never forget you  
_ _I could never  
_ _Please, I love you  
_ _You’ll always be my best friend  
_ _I don’t want you out of my life  
_ _I need you, please, just talk to me_

**21 dec 2015**

_Louis please can we just talk?  
_ _You gotta let me explain!!!!  
_ _Just answer me once and then after I’ll let you go  
_ _Whatever you want but please don’t shut me out like this!!!!  
_ _I’ll give you time, I won’t bother calling you anymore  
_ _But please, let’s talk?_

**24 dec 2015**

_I wish I was telling you this in person, I wish things were different, I wish so much  
_ _But today, I can only wish you a happy birthday  
_ _I know you probably don’t wanna hear from me, but I can’t let this day go unnoticed, ignore it as if it’s not important  
_ _You are so important Louis, the most important to me and I’m sorry I let you think otherwise  
_ _You deserve all the best things in the world and I’m sorry I wasn’t there to give what you deserved  
But know that I’ll never stop wishing you to be the happiest, to have and achieve the most wonderful things  
_ _You deserve the world and I was supposed to give you it, and I failed. I’ll never forgive myself for that.  
But know, deep in my heart that I’ll never stop loving you. I only hope that my love for you was enough  
_ _If I could give you one thing today, it would be all my love, in any way, any form you’d accept it.  
As a friend, just like we had agreed. I understand if you don’t want that anymore, but please know my heart will always be yours  
_ _Have a nice day, Lou xx_

**25 dec 2015**

_Happy Christmas, Lou  
_ _Hope you had a great day with your family  
_ _I know you’ll ignore this but I need to let you know I care so much about you, still… Always  
_ _If I could ask one thing for father Christmas it would be for us to speak again  
_ _I hope we can still talk xx_

**31 dec 2015**

_This is the worst way I could spend the end of the year  
Never thought I would lose you, Lou. I’m so sorry, I hope you know that. I never meant to hurt you so much.  
Please know I’ll always love you.  
Please just give us a chance to talk and we’ll find a way to work this out and start the new year well  
I love you xx_

**01 jan 2016**

_Happy New Year, Lou I’m sorry for all I’ve put you through this past year.  
You deserve to be happy and loved, always.  
Hope we can still talk some time if you want I’ll be waiting xx_

**24 dec 2016**

_Happy Birthday, Louis  
Always wishing you the best  
(If you don’t answer this, I promise you I’ll stop sending you any more messages.  
Just had to let you know I’m always thinking of you x)_

Reading all those messages feels like a punch in his stomach. It’s not like Harry’s forgotten how much he had begged Louis to just talk it out or how much he was hurting that Louis wasn’t giving them a chance to be on good terms again. But to relive all of that again it’s just a lot to deal with. That first week had been the worst of his life, and the following months had been excruciating as well, especially with how much he had to control himself not to message and call Louis time and time again or still hoping and waiting Louis would finally decide to talk to him. That’s why he never deleted Louis’ number. That’s why he never changed his contact name. He always hoped things would somehow get back to how they used to be.

It never happened.

After that last birthday message, Harry decided to put an end to his suffering. He needed to let go of the hurt. He needed to move on and accept that he and Louis had been a closed chapter in his life. After that last unanswered message, Harry archived Louis’ chat and left his contact forgotten in his phone. Now, after almost four years, he’s letting himself look at those messages again.

They hurt, but if Harry could admit it to himself, the message before all of them hurts the most.

**18 dec 2015**

_Hurry the fuck up, Styles  
_ _I’m leaving the flat now and it’s freezing and i don’t wanna keep waiting for you for ages outside the station  
I’ve already waited almost six months to see your face again :P_

It feels like another universe to read that message and think that just hours after it, he would be breaking Louis’ heart and Louis would be telling Harry to get out of his life completely.

How Harry wishes he had done things differently that night, had said things differently.

Now, though, that’s all in the past and Harry can’t change any of it. That’s part of him. That’s some baggage he will always carry, one that maybe he isn’t ready to confront next time he sees Louis in front of him.

Before exiting the chat, Harry lets himself do one more thing he hasn’t done in a long time. He hadn’t even thought about doing it earlier that morning, but he’s already there. It won’t hurt any more than reading those messages already has.

He hovers his finger over Louis’ contact picture, too small for him to actually see Louis’ face and without thinking twice, he taps on the picture to enlarge it.

The [picture ](https://www.instagram.com/p/B6I0wqUn_CG/)is in black and white and with the way Louis’ is facing away from the camera, it’s still hard to get a better look at him. But he’s still there, the features Harry could identify anywhere — even if he looks older, more mature, with more beard covering his face, with his hair styled differently, albeit still with that fringe falling over his forehead.

Harry thinks about the contrast with the [photo ](https://64.media.tumblr.com/ffd70479c69fc96db2f135c6e02d8f80/3870a23d9972d19f-f7/s500x750/7243659b342374fcc0357ae2ee31de2b493dcb1d.jpg)he still has saved as Louis’ contact in his phone. How, even though Louis is also looking away from the camera (from Harry taking the picture, that is), he is still smiling, so bright and open. In this new one, it’s all dark and shadows, as if Louis is hiding away, as if he doesn’t want to be seen.

He hopes, though, that this picture is not a reflection of the older version of Louis, one Harry doesn’t know. He hopes the next week he gets to see him, the Louis from his Whatsapp photo will slowly turn into that smiling one Harry remembers in front of him.

*

The drive to Holmes Chapel is one Harry never gets tired of. He can’t count how many times he’s done it over the years, especially in the two he’s been back in England.

He had insisted for his mother to move to London since he and Gemma had been living in the city, but Anne and Robin would argue that they preferred the tranquillity of the country and their small town over the chaos of the metropolis. They wouldn’t mind the occasional trip down to London to visit. And of course, Harry and his sister would never spare a few trips themselves back to their hometown during the year.

This Thursday afternoon, though, Harry’s driving without Gemma’s company. Not that he minds it or would let himself feel lonely during the three-hour ride. On the contrary, the lonely drive is a good opportunity for him to put his thoughts and the events of the past five days in order.

It’s not that he’s been overwhelmed by the exchange of messages in his new group chat. It’s more about not knowing how to deal with having his old friends in his life and the anticipation of their reunion at his family’s country house. On top of that, there was also the fact he had to ask for a couple of days off from work just after his holiday the month before.

It made sense for Harry, though. The house had been empty since the beginning of the year and he wouldn’t ask for his mum and Robin to get it clean and all set for him and the lads to use. It was only fair he’d do the chore himself. So he asked for a half-day off on Thursday, leaving in the afternoon to Holmes Chapel to get the keys from Anne. Then he’d head to the bungalow later to get started on cleaning it at night and most of Friday just so when Niall, Liam and Louis arrived at night, everything would be ready for them to enjoy the weekend.

Because that’s what they had decided on: spending the weekend there, taking advantage of Friday night with all of them heading there after work (with the exception of Zayn, who would come later), enjoying Saturday all they wanted and then heading back home early evening on Sunday the latest.

That hadn’t been an easy decision. They spent a long while trying to make their schedules match, or saying Harry shouldn’t have to sacrifice his workday just so the house would be nice and clean for them. They even considered changing the date, trying to find another weekend all of them would be free, but that seemed harder. In the end they stuck with the original plan.

At first, Anne had been over the moon to know they were getting together after so long, but being his mother, she also brought up things Harry had been trying not to worry so much.

_“Do you think this is a good idea, darling?” His mother asked after Harry explained what they were planning._

_“To be honest, I’m not sure, Mum, but… it can’t be that bad, right? I mean, I’ve missed them a lot, it’s nice that Niall thought it was time to bring us all together," Harry confessed through the phone._

_“And how do you think it will be when you’re all together? When you and Louis see each other again?”_

_Harry took a deep breath, trying to gather himself. He had avoided thinking about it that afternoon._

_“I hope it all goes well. We’ve texted, and we all seem… well, it’s alright? I don't know, I haven’t talked to them in ages, I don’t know if they’re just being too polite, or what, but at least it’s not like they are treating me badly.”_

_“But have you talked to Louis?”_

_“Define talk.” Harry let out a tired sigh._

_“Did you acknowledge each other?” Anne’s tone was cautious._

_“Not exactly,” he admitted._

_“How does that even work, Harry?”_

_“I don’t know, Mum. We talk, in general. It’s not like I’m asking direct questions to him. We all talk, and he talks, and I talk, but… we don’t directly talk to each other.”_

That’s one thing that has been bugging Harry since he first replied in the chat. He can’t be mad, though. Louis’ been avoiding and ignoring him for a long while, he knows it won’t change overnight, but it’s not like he’s completely ignoring Harry. Louis talks, but only after one of the guys has talked first, and usually… replying to something they say that’s about what Harry had said first. It feels like he’s playing Chinese whispers.

His mother’s not wrong in worrying about how they will interact with each other, only because she knows how hard it has been for Harry to connect with people in the past few years. Ever since Harry came back from the States, she's worried that Harry had been too lonely, only going out with Gemma and her group of friends those first few months. She’d always ask him if he had started going out with his colleagues from work, or even if he had reached out to one of his childhood friends.

It was the usual motherly concern and Harry would try his best to dodge the bullet as much as possible. Sometimes he would even tell her some white lie that he was hanging out with people from work when in reality he was either spending his Saturday night binge-watching Netflix or having a one-off with someone from Tinder (which would only end up being that. He couldn’t see himself engaging in anything with people he just met. A few of them had tried to keep in touch but for Harry that was mostly about him dealing with the hole in his heart, trying to fill it with some casual sex, trying to feel something again even if he knew he couldn’t).

He’s accepted he’s a lone wolf. Has been since he left for the States and didn’t have Louis by his side anymore, resigning to the fact that on top of losing Louis as his partner, he had lost him as his friend.

And so, having friends back in his life, friends he had left behind – or that had left him behind – is a big thing for him (and also for his mother, apparently).

But he’s trying to push back the thoughts about not getting along with the lads (mostly with Louis, if he’s honest). If they were to have any problems with Harry, it would be more apparent, he’s sure. It’s easier to conceal how they are actually feeling through written messages, but Harry thinks they had a genuinely good time while having a video call on Sunday.

_True to his word, Niall had proposed that they should get on a video call to discuss the details of their get-together. Not as much had he proposed, more like had intimated everybody to take part in it. On Sunday afternoon, he simply popped up in their group chat and asked if everyone was doing anything at the moment and when all of them said they were free, not long after Harry’s phone was ringing with an incoming video call._

_He didn’t even have much time to brace himself for that. He had been lying on his couch watching a Harry Potter marathon on the telly for the nth time with Felix on his lap and so, Niall’s call had caught him off guard. He was surely looking like a mess when he took the call. He had gone for a run that morning and before lunch, he took a shower, put on some old joggers and a loose white t-shirt, tying up his wet hair with a red bandana and a hair clip. He hadn’t even shaved the stubble that had grown during the week. A hobo probably looked more decent than him when he showed up on his screen side by side with the four others._

_At first, he was so concerned with his looks and a little startled by the impromptu call that he didn’t even process the other lads. It was only when Niall’s high-pitched voice came through the speakers that Harry really looked at the people in the call._

_“What’s up, lads?” Niall had asked, sporting a big smile while he ran a hand through a very long brunette quiff._

_Harry still kept contact through other social media with the lads, but he hadn’t seen them in person in so long. He was astonished by how much they all had changed, especially Niall. He remembered running into Niall not long after he had come back from the States and the shock of seeing him all brunette had been a big one. Looking at the Irish man in the small square on his phone still had taken him aback._

_“Niall, so nice of you to call!” Liam answered and Harry spared a look at the other man and… yeah, Liam had also changed a lot. For one, his locks were longer and he had almost a full-on beard, but what called Harry’s attention was the ink on his hand when he waved it in front of the screen. “How are you all doing, lads?”_

_“Ey, doing fine, Payno,” Zayn spoke and Harry almost dropped his phone when he saw the tattoo on the side of his head coming all the way up to where his hair was shaved. “Horan clearly has some impulsive ideas, right?” Harry blinked, still not believing this new style. Harry mostly kept up with Zayn on Instagram, and what he usually posted were pictures of the crowds from the gigs he played and the touristic places he visited when he was on tour. Last time Harry remembered seeing Zayn’s face, he had some long locks, almost as long as Liam’s were now._

_“He has no fucking manners, that’s what he has.”_

_It was Louis’ voice that broke Harry’s spell from looking at Zayn._

_Harry felt himself freezing for a second. He hadn't given himself the chance to take a look at Louis until that moment. Not that he had forgotten Louis was also in the call but focusing on the other people first somehow diverted his attention from noticing Louis, from really looking at him after so long._

_If he had been surprised by how much the other boys had changed their styles through the years, what surprised Harry with Louis was how much he looked the same. It didn't feel like he had aged a day. His hair looked longer, longer than it was in the Whatsapp photo, but normally Louis’ hair would always be somewhat long with a fringe swept across his forehead. This time the fringe was so long that the tip of Louis’ hair was almost curling. And his face… well, the crinkles by his blue eyes were still there, maybe a few more than five years ago but it didn’t make him look older, no (only just as endearing as he had always been). Maybe that was just because he was clean shaved and whenever he shaved, he always looked just like his eighteen-year-old self. And that always threw Harry off, looking at Louis and realizing how beautiful he was._

_“Oi, I asked if you were busy and you said no! I ain’t calling anyone unannounced,” Niall replied, laughing. “Although I feel like Harry might've been sleeping before I called. You alright there, mate?”_

_Harry tore his eyes from Louis’ screen, hoping nobody would notice he was, in fact, looking at Louis. He didn’t know how the positions of the screen would be for each one, so he hoped it didn’t give away that he had gotten transfixed by his ex-fiancé._

_Last time he looked Louis in the eyes had been the night Louis asked him to leave his flat and had told him to forget about them. After that, it had been months of going through pictures of them together, of keeping up with Louis on his social media (although he had gone ghost on most of them), until he had decided he had had enough of longing for someone who didn’t want any contact with him anymore. When Louis hadn't even spared to open any of Harry’s messages, he decided to unfollow/mute/do whatever was necessary to keep him away from keeping track of Louis. He hadn’t gotten any news from Louis since then (aside from a few casual things his mum would tell him that she saw on Facebook from Louis’ mum or other family members)._

_“Oh no, I’m fine. Wasn’t sleeping, just chilling watching a film,” Harry managed to answer with a smile and trying to keep a straight face, not letting it show that his eyes were trying to catch Louis’ reaction to him speaking. If he saw Louis not staring at the screen, he tried not to be disappointed by that. He had no right to, anyway._

_He turned his attention to Liam, who had asked him what he was watching, because he was also having a lazy Sunday watching Harry Potter and from there, they engaged in conversation. All of them talking about what they had been doing and sharing their surprise at Niall's invitation for the reunion at first. Harry then told them everything was set for them to go to the bungalow and they went on to try to decide what they would do once they got there, what each one would bring and so on. The conversation kept going for a long time and some details weren’t set, but they still had a few days to settle and they could make more plans through the messages. Even so, talking to his long-time friends face-to-face (even if virtually) like that had been great._

_Despite the initial hesitation to interact with Louis, there hadn’t been any heavy tension while they talked among each other. It was pretty much like the conversations they were having through the chat, that same Chinese whisper game of them not talking directly to each other. Louis would only speak about something Harry said after someone else had commented on it first, and the same went for Harry. Although he was trying not to let a smile or laugh slip at any quip Louis would make or the banter that flowed so easily between him and Niall and Liam, especially. It wasn't that he felt left out. It was just that he knew that the three of them had kept more contact through the years. Even Zayn, who had been travelling all over the world, had been more restrained in the conversation, but they all got to interact without feeling like anything was forced._

_It was only when they were talking about when they would make it to the bungalow that Harry directed a question to Louis since he hadn’t talked about his plans yet._

_“Hm, and... Louis, what about you?” Harry had tried his best not to sound nervous, but he could feel that the other three had stopped to pay attention._

_There had been a beat of silence when Louis seemed to briefly and attentively stare at the screen. Then he looked away, running his hand through his fringe and biting at the corner of his lip._

_“If I’m not mistaken, the professors have set up a happy hour for the end of the semester for this Friday as well, so I’m not sure I’ll be able to make it along with Horan and Payno, but I’ll be there later at night, if that’s okay,” he said and it seemed so formal, so different from how laid back he had been before, joking around with the other lads. But Harry couldn’t judge him or even be mad._

_That had been the first time Louis had directed a word towards him in almost five years. It seemed stiff and foreign. Harry couldn’t expect the warmest of answers right then, but he only hoped that would change as the days went by and once they were finally meeting in person. Niall had said so, Louis was fine with them meeting, so maybe this awkward first interaction was something they had to go through. Maybe then they could leave it behind and talk to each other more normally._

_“That’s fine, no problem at all, but if you’d prefer coming Saturday morning just like Zayn…” Harry had thought that making sure Louis was free to do whatever felt better for him, giving him the leeway to even back down from their reunion, that it would be a way to show that he wasn’t forcing Louis to interact with him if he didn’t want to._

_“Er, no, it’s okay,” Louis interrupted him and Harry was surprised by that for a moment. “It’s not like I’m that eager for the happy hour anyway,” he laughed softly. “I’d much rather see Niall get his face smashed on a Friday night than hear my boring colleagues say what they are going to do on their summer holidays.” Harry could see Louis shrugging and rolling his eyes. He had to contain himself and hide his fondness for mannerism. It was nothing really, but it felt so close to the Louis he used to have in his life._

_“Why are we assuming I’m getting smashed?” Niall protested jokingly, not giving Harry the opportunity to reply to Louis. He hadn't minded, but if he lingered his eyes on Louis’ screen for the rest of the call, nobody had to know._

So, as far as conversations with long-time friends who hadn’t talked in a long while go, Harry considers things had gone smoothly with that call. Maybe the awkward moment with Louis had only been more apparent to him. It hadn’t gotten in the way of their conversation or how they all had interacted with each other and neither on how they kept talking in the chat throughout the rest of the week. If Harry tried to reply directly to something Louis said and Louis actually answered him, Harry counts that more as a win and an improvement, proof that he doesn’t have to worry too much about what’s to come on the weekend.

Driving to Holmes Chapel helps him then settle his anxiety and keep himself busy other than dread that things will fall apart the moment they see each other.

Once he gets to his mother’s house later that Thursday, she also reassures him that things will be fine and that he should focus on enjoying it as much as he can.

“Whatever has to happen, will happen, darling,” she says to him as she sips on her tea. They are sitting at the kitchen table, Harry not able to refuse a cuppa with his mother and her protests that he should rest for a bit after driving for so long before heading to the bungalow.

“I know, I know…” He cups his mug with both hands, closing his eyes as he inhales the smell of his tea. “It’s getting easier to deal with this each day that passes. But I can’t help but be nervous about it all. One thing is to finally get used to talking to him once a day through the phone. Another is to actually look him in the eyes again, Mum. I – don’t know how to feel.”

“Do you still feel anything?” Anne’s watching Harry attentively when he looks up at her.

That seems to be the one million pound question. For five days, Harry has tried to suppress any strong feelings, be it good or bad. He doesn’t want to feel anything, not when he knows that there isn’t anything left between them to be felt. The more he thinks, though, the more he remembers and he can feel that smallest flicker of feeling, that feeling that he knew would never leave him. The feeling from the promise that he would never stop loving Louis. He just doesn’t know what can happen if he lets that feeling take over him, how it will manifest itself.

“I haven’t let myself feel anything,” he confesses. “I bottled it all up so long ago, I don’t know if I just tucked it all away and things are still there or if it all finally dissipated. And I’m scared to find out.”

She smiles softly at him, leading one of her hands to cover Harry’s, smoothly rubbing it, comfortably. “You don’t have to figure anything out right now, dear. It’s one weekend that may bring you boys together again or that will just serve for you to reminisce about your past and move on with your lives again, but maybe with a better sense of closure than last time. Just let things be and enjoy your time together. Cherish it, just like you cherish your time with them and with Louis in the past.”

Harry sighs, trying to internalize his mother’s words. “I just hope the past doesn’t come to bite us in the arse. I just hope…” he shakes his head, not letting the worst of his thoughts catch up to him. “I hope he doesn’t hold it against me. I did everything I could, Mum. Back then, you know. He was the one who didn’t want me in his life anymore, and I don’t blame him. I accepted it. If he’s fine with us meeting again, then we have to let everything that happened under the bridge, right?”

“You’re all adults now, Harry. I hope both of you will know better how to handle what happened between you two. It’s been so long, if there was any grudge to be held still, you wouldn’t be going to that bungalow right now. Don’t worry, darling. I know it may sound pointless to keep telling you that, but that’s all there is to do, really.” She pulls her hand away from him, bringing her mug to her mouth, keeping a reassuring smile on her lips.

“Thanks, Mum.” He copies her, drinking from his tea as they fall in companion silence for a couple of minutes. Just before they are about to finish their drinks, Harry hears the front opening and his step-father coming inside the house. Robin had still been at work when he arrived, so they greet each other and talk some more before Harry decides it could get too late for him to drive in the dark to the bungalow.

“Are you sure you don’t want us to help you out there, son?” Robin asks as he and Anne are standing by Harry’s Land rover.

“No, it’s fine, seriously. I don’t wanna give you any trouble. You’re already letting us stay there, I can take care of everything else.” Harry smiles warmly at them as Robin hands him the keys to the house.

“You know you can use the house whenever, Harry. It’s as much yours as it’s mine, it’s family’s.” Robin pats his shoulder. “If you’re sure then, I won’t worry.”

“Oh, but I will,” Anne adds, jokingly. “Please just make sure not to burn the house down, Harry. I still want to see my future grandchildren running around the place.”

“Then that house will need to stay up on its foundations for a good long time, Mum,” Harry laughs and opens the door, getting inside the car. “But yeah, I’ll be careful. I think I know how to handle things there. We stayed there for a couple of days when we were eighteen, how could things go possibly worse now that we're twenty-eight?” He winks at his mom, who rolls her eyes playfully at him.

“Just take care, dear,” she advises.

“Anything you need, just give us a call, alright?” Robin closes the door for him and Harry turns on the car.

“I will. Thanks again, I’ll come back Sunday evening to bring the keys.” He waves at them pulling the car in reverse from the driveway and onto the street.

Anne and Robin wave back at him, going back inside the house as Harry drives away. He has Google Maps already giving him the directions to drive back to the motorway. It will be a thirty-minute route into the country to get to the bungalow.

The house is a couple of cities away from Harry’s hometown. Robin had bought it before he and Anne got married, but he always made sure that Harry and Gemma made use of it just as much as his own children did. So, it became a family house and whenever there was a holiday or day off, Harry would find himself among the Twists enjoying a few summer days or Christmas/New Years celebrations together with everyone. As the years passed and all the children moved away, their time at the bungalow got more sparse, but Harry always appreciated going back there whenever he could.

Spending time there with his family was always fun, but Harry’s sure that one of the best memories at the bungalow had been that weekend after finishing Sixth Form with the boys. Not only because of the freedom of being allowed to be there alone with his friends for the first time, but there were memories that he would never be able to forget from those days.

Memories that, for the sake of rekindling his friendship with the four of them after what he and Louis had been through, Harry will have to set aside and tuck away along with those feelings he doesn’t know exactly what to make of. If he lets himself wander through these memories and feelings, he’s sure he’ll lose his mind. And he can’t, just can’t let them get in the way of him getting this part of his life that he left behind back, in whatever way it will be.

As he keeps driving and soon enough approaches the road leading to the bungalow, he tries to focus on what his mother has told him.

_Whatever has to happen will happen._

He doesn’t know if he’s ready to face whatever can happen, but it is what it is. He can't change the past, he can’t change what happened. But he can make sure the future is a little less bleak than his life is at the moment if he can restore at least a little of what he used to have.

Parking the car in front of the two-story bungalow, Harry stares at it in awe.

Just like ten years ago, this house may be a turning point for him this weekend.

*

On any regular weekend or day off, Harry would take the time to sleep in. His weekdays' schedule always has him walking up around six am and usually working until late at night, still taking care of something from a case here and there that needs his attention even outside the office. He doesn't actually mind waking up that early during the week. It gives him good leverage to get a proper start on his day, though. He has developed a whole routine consisting of feeding his cat, doing his morning yoga, taking a shower, getting himself dressed and on a good day having his breakfast at home, or on those days he somehow gets himself late, fetching something from the Costa around the corner of his flat. He's gotten used to that. It's a good way for him to feel like he's completely woken up and not arrive at work feeling like a deadbeat zombie.

So, Harry saves his lazy lie-ins for the weekends and days off. You won't get Harry Styles out of bed before 10 am. That's just a straight and big-capital-letters “NO” for him. It doesn't matter how much Felix will paster him for food, walking around his bed, stepping on his face or meowing from the bedroom door. He might be awake, but he'll take advantage of the small naps he'll take every few minutes until he feels he's fully rested from the week, thank you very much.

Now, having slept at the bungalow last night, Harry has the perfect opportunity to enjoy a very late morning. He has no one or any pets to bother him, no responsibilities from work and nothing ahead of himself other than to clean the place and get things ready for when the lads will arrive there later that night. He could enjoy a good lie-in in the sparse king size bed in the master bedroom, with the early morning sun coming shining into the room through the wide floor-to-ceiling window that faces over the lake out in the back of the house. However, having the place all to himself, surrounded by the peace and quiet of the country and the nature surrounding the property, Harry couldn’t pass up the opportunity to keep up his morning rituals with the scenario presented to him.

He's awake by six-thirty with the sunlight bright inside the room, but he still takes another half hour to properly get out of bed. He goes to the en-suit to wash up before rummaging inside his suitcase for his yoga pants and a loose tank top. He ties up his hair with his usual bandana to get the curls away from his face and then fishes his yoga mat from another bag. By almost seven-thirty, he’s heading downstairs, walking through the kitchen towards the dining room and out through the French backdoors that lead to the back deck outdoors.

He inhales the fresh morning air, the smell of nature taking over his senses and the timid sunbeams hitting his face as he looks up to see the sky completely bright blue already.

The wood deck is spacious, but Harry feels like it’s been so long since he’s been in touch with nature he ought to experience it from up close. So he walks towards the edge of the deck that is level with the lawn that gives a path to the lake in front of him. He pauses, taking in the view in front of him, looking at the soft breeze touching the trees around the house and the few fish swimming inside the lake. That is the perfect opportunity to get in touch with his inner self, be grateful for his life and what he has, and set his intentions and positive energy towards the days that are about to come.

Setting his mat flat on the ground, Harry thinks about which yoga routine he’s going to do this time. He’s used to having guided practices, but for the years he’s been practising it, he has already ventured into curating some routines for himself. He figures he will have no problem with doing one more all by himself.

He then settles himself on the mat and starts his practice in cat-caw position, paying attention to wake up his body and keep his breath in check. Pausing, he closes his eyes, feeling the wind cut through his skin and the air getting hotter as the sun rises higher. It energizes him to fire up his practice, making sure to always keep breathing in and out in sync with his movements as he goes through a sun salutation sequence.

Standing up with his palms together at his heart he notices his heart is racing but he feels light. The sound of the water lazily moving in the lake, the birds chirping and flying around, and everything in his surroundings helps him to stay focused and calm. There he rests, with his eyes closed again and calming his heartbeat, trying to pull energy from all four corners of his feet in touch with the ground to the top of his head. It’s a good feeling to connect with himself, with earth and all its elements the way he is now. The perfect balance of being himself and letting himself just be.

Seeking that focus and balance, he goes into tree pose as he takes a few breaths in and out to find his centre, letting everything meet in the midline before releasing gently back to mountain pose. He softens his gaze, not really keeping his eyes focused on one point, but rather letting his body feel everything around him. He then looks up, watching the few clouds swim through the blue sky, and inhales, reaching his arms up and exhaling with hands back to his heart. With another full breath in and hands up, he lets it all out to transition to a seated position.

Sitting nice and tall, Harry does some twisting sequences to focus on his breath and check in with his spine. Then he shifts to lie with his back flat down on the mat, extending his long legs out and his arms to the sides. He relaxes as he inhales and exhales softly, closing his eyes and letting the world move around him. Lying there, he feels completely grateful for being right where he is, for being present in this moment, trying to let everything else out, every anxious thought, every worry about what’s to come. He stays there for a while, not for long, but not really counting the time. He just lets his body absorb the energy around him, the force of nature coming in contact with his skin, lifting up all unnecessary weights and emotional baggage he’s been carrying.

That’s the thing about yoga for Harry. It doesn’t solve all his problems, but it helps him connect with himself for 10-15 minutes a day and feel lighter to keep going. Obviously, pleasant and unpleasant thoughts come and go during the day, but he’s learned through the years to work with them, finding in yoga and meditation his anchor through the darkest times.

When he feels his skin prickling with the sunlight, warming up through his whole body, he opens his eyes and starts moving again, rolling back up into an easy sitting pose. Crossing his legs, he takes one last deep breath bringing his palms together to meet his heart, and then exhales, bowing his head to say a silent mantra to himself to continue his day.

With his eyes open, he looks around, taking in the beauty of the property. The summer days have always brought the best of it and that sure helps to lift the spirits up. No time to dwell on bad feelings and thoughts when he has a beautiful lake out in front of him, a vast green open landscape and the house itself, a breathtaking oak design.

Having had time to let himself slow down from his practice, he finally gets up, rolling up his yoga mat and bringing it with himself back to the house, already making mental notes of where to start with the cleaning and organization of the place.

When Harry arrived the night before, he didn’t have much time to do anything. He mostly checked if everything in the house was working and in place, turning on the power in every room, checking the appliances, checking also for bugs and unwanted surprises, and then putting everything he had brought in place. Robin and his mother always had the house equipped, but even so, his mother made him bring extra bed sheets and towels, utensils and products for the kitchen, as well as toiletries.

Today, he’ll have to dust off the place, mop the floors, make sure the summer house with the hot tub is working, check if all the beds are in good condition and all that. He starts first by having a quick breakfast with tea and toast and then moves on to his chores as the day starts getting hotter and brighter. He connects his phone to the TV sound and keeps himself distracted listening to his playlist as he goes through all the rooms in the house. He doesn’t even notice the time passing until his stomach starts growling again. He prepares another sandwich for himself and decides to eat it sitting by the deck, enjoying the tranquillity of being in complete isolation, only the sound of his music playing back inside the house and the sparse wildlife around him.

Going straight back to work after having lunch is when Harry starts to get a bit anxious again, but only because the afternoon is coming to a close and soon Niall and Liam will arrive. There’s nothing to worry about, he keeps telling himself. But it’s hard not to feel so uncertain of what’s going to happen when they are all together. One part of Harry, though, almost lets himself think that they will all back down at the last minute, saying that something has come up and they won’t come, just so they don’t have to deal with him. Which is so unrealistic, because there’s nothing that indicates they don’t want to come to the bungalow.

On the contrary, this whole week has only been showing Harry that despite everything that has happened, there is excitement about their reunion. Even Louis hasn’t shown any hesitancy. When Harry had let them know he had arrived, they were all excited. When Niall had sent a picture of his suitcase all packed and the packs of beer in the cooler he’s bringing with him, everyone was on board with it. The 2000’s playlist Niall had decided to put together and ask for suggestions got everyone joking around but also eager to know what other crazy things Niall would come up with. Even Liam’s text from just a few moments ago, when Harry finally stopped the cleanup and checked his phone, saying he was on his way to meet Niall to carpool with him, should only confirm to Harry that this was one hundred per cent happening.

They are in good terms, or in as well as they could be at the moment. All this doubt is just Harry’s mind playing games with himself. He tries to shake this feeling off as he takes a bath, making use of the jacuzzi in the en-suit, relaxing and letting go of the tiredness of the day so he can be energized again to welcome Liam and Niall.

He steps out of his bath after longer than he would usually take washing himself up and dresses up in comfortable black shorts, a vintage t-shirt and over it a very light and colourful shirt (Gemma would insist Harry should stop wearing Hawaiian shirts, but he could argue that this one wasn’t even flowered so, he’s off the hook). He styles his wet hair, pulling the longer locks that keep falling back over his forehead to tie them with a hairclip. He looks at himself in the mirror and deems himself presentable. He had shaved most of his beard on Thursday morning before going to work, so there was still no sign of any stubble.

As he goes down back to the kitchen, he starts thinking about what to set for dinner. Surely, after a three-hour drive, Niall and Liam will be starving (and Louis too, when he comes later), so he considers his options and what dish to prepare with the food he has brought. He decides on something that won’t take him so long, going for a Risotto with chopped bacon, peas and other vegetables, and grated parmesan, also cooking some poached eggs and sausages. That will certainly appease to everyone's tastes.

While he cooks, he opens a bottle of wine and lets himself relax more, putting on his playlist again and enjoying it for the last couple of hours before Niall comes blasting in with what he called the soundtrack of their weekend and teenage years. Some of the songs might be embarrassing and out of fashion for over ten years? Yes, but Harry can’t deny there are some memorable songs from those times. Songs that will always make him remember those years, even though he hasn’t listened to them in a long time since his own music taste is a bit particular.

Around an hour later, when all the food is cooked, Harry allows himself to finally sit down and just wait. He grabs his phone, taking the time to go through all the messages he has ignored the whole day. He answers his mother to tell her that yes, everything is okay and in order and sends her a pic of dinner with his glass of wine, also sharing it with Gemma.

His law firm group chat has a few unread messages, but he doesn’t even get tempted to open them. After all, it’s already Friday after working hours. If there was any matter that should concern him, someone would’ve called instead. He can deal with the messages once he’s back at work.

The “its fucking time” group chat, though, Harry can’t ignore. He had last opened it before taking his bath when he saw Liam saying he and Niall were on their way, and now the last message that appears is one from Louis.

 **its fucking time 7:06  
** Lou: And you better not drink all the beer before i get there

He opens it to see the whole string of messages he has missed, going all the way up until he reaches Liam’s message he had replied with a thumbs up emoji and reads the ones below it.

 **Niall H  
** Ayyyy Payno lets get this roadtrip started

 **Niall H  
** Fellas its on!!! Lima payne’s in the house

 **Niall H  
** Liam*

 **Niall H  
** And by house i mean car !!!!!

 **Niall H  
** We r hittin the road in a few  
we’ll be @ @H’s bungalow around 8 max 8h30 pm

 **Niall H  
** Payno will give u guys updates cuz ill be drivin obvs

 **Niall H  
** HIT THE ROAD JACK AND DONT YOU COME BACK  
NO MORE NO MORE NO MORE NO MORE

 **Liam P  
** I’m revoking his playlist duties but we’re on the road again YAY!

 **Z Malik  
** @Niall H that’s the opposite of song you want for a road trip

 **Liam P  
** Zayn, Niall told me to tell you you have no right in talking about songs because 1) you only play EDM and 2) you wanted to boycott every song he chose for our* playlist.

 **Liam P  
** *his playlist. I had nothing to do with it.

 **Z Malik  
** That’s ‘cause they all suck, Horan!!!!! I may only play edm BUT you had COUNTRY ROADS TAKE ME HOME!!!!! RIGHT THERE!!!!!! What a waste, honestly

 **Lou  
** I have three words for you all: HIGHWAY TO HELL

 **Liam P  
** Nialls says: But we’re not going to hell stfu (He told me to type it like this)  
Niall’s words, still: If we’re debating the best road trip you’re all wrong because the only valid and correct song is Born to Run by Bruce Springsteen and that’s why none of you was in charge of putting any playlists together.

 **Liam P  
** Particularly, I agree with Z. We’re going to the country so… Country roads, take me home indeed.

 **Lou  
** Leyum tell Neil NO ONE ASKED HIM to put any playlist together and if he thinks Bruce Springsteen beats AC/DC on this one… anyway i’m heading to my (not so) happy hour now. Hope they have good booze i’ll keep you updated

 **Z Malik  
** Thank you Liam!!!!

 **Z Malik  
** But yeah, AC/DC… Niall, you’re dead wrong on this one, again.

 **Liam P  
** Niall and I just stopped for a quick bathroom break. I helped him clean up the 2000’s playlist while we were driving. It’s actually called “partyin like 2010”. I don’t remember half of the songs in there but he threatened to cut my fingers if I deleted more than I already had.

 **Niall H  
** Yous suck when it comes to music , zayn in particular and he is A MUSICIAN HIMSELF !!! Anyway we still have half way to go ... Payno will talk to you soon

 **Niall H  
** @Lou Hows the booze ?

 **Z Malik  
** I am a DJ ffs Niall!!! and as a DJ I have to get ready for my gig tonight. Take care, kids! I’ll see ya tomorrow.

 **Lou  
** @Niall H Fucking awful !!! They always choose the worst pubs to do these things ugh half an hour and one pint for me is enough especially because i’ll be driving so …i'm leaving and getting ON MY WAY TO HELL !!!! JK (I KNOW THAT’S NOT HOW THE SONG GOES NIALL !!!)

 **Lou  
** Seriously now i’m on my way i’ll probably get to Harry’s place around 10 so don’t get any party started without me

 **Lou  
** And you better not drink all the beer before i get there

That had been over half an hour ago, so Louis is already on the road and Niall and Liam are probably closer. There’s no need for him to actually answer any of those messages, but he does anyway, just to make sure the lads know he saw them and that everything's in order for their arrival.

_Sorry I missed this very important road trip soundtrack discussion haha I was getting the house ready for you guys. All set!_

_@Niall H and @Liam P I suppose you’re almost close. Let me know if you have any troubles finding the private drive. Reception might not be the best, but you can call anyway!_

_@Lou Don’t worry :) I’ll fill their bellies with dinner so they won’t want to drink so much. But I’ll make sure there’s food and booze left for you as well :) Let us know if you can as well when you’re getting near!_

_@Z Malik Have a nice gig, Zayn! x_

He tries to sound as normal as he can, though he can’t help but feel like sometimes he tries too hard with Louis. It’s not his fault entirely. He just wants him and Louis to be as casual as everyone else is with each other. And since Louis has been replying to his messages more than he was when they first started talking in the group chat, he’s maybe just taking what he can from those interactions, even if Louis doesn’t seem so enthusiastic when he speaks with Harry. At least he’s polite enough to actually reply to him now. He only hopes that’s not how they’ll be for the whole weekend.

As the clock nears eight, Harry tries to occupy his idle time navigating through his apps. He catches up with what he missed from the past few days, reads the news, and plays his Two Dots game he absolutely hates but can’t seem to stop wanting to get three stars in every level. He gets himself lost in it until he receives a private message from Liam, a good thirty minutes later.

 **Liam P now  
** Harry, we just got to the private drive! Everything went well! See you in a few :)

Knowing that it will only take a couple of minutes for them to arrive at the bungalow, Harry goes back to the kitchen to make sure the food is still hot. He had put them in containers to preserve the heat, so it’s all good. Just as he’s about to come back to the couch to fetch his phone, he sees the headlights from Niall’s car through the windows. He heads to the front door, opening it to see the car parked in the driveway next to his.

“Harry, mate!” He hears Liam exclaim as the passenger door opens. “Finally!”

“Glad you guys made it okay! How was the drive?” He walks closer to Liam, watching as Niall comes out from the driver’s side.

“It was pretty good, no problems whatsoever besides Niall’s music taste,” Liam jokes, looking behind his back at Niall.

“You all pretend you hate my songs, but I bet ten quid no one will complain when we’re singing to Mr Brightside drunk off our arses in the am.” Niall approaches them and bumps his elbow into Liam’ side as he passes by him, walking directly towards Harry. “Harold, my man, how are you doing?”

Harry doesn’t even have time to react when Niall throws both arms around him and squeezes him into a tight hug. He’s caught off guard but smiles then, returning the gesture.

“I’m good, Ni. Nice to see you again.”

He’s looking at Liam, who smiles back as Niall lets go of him.

“It’s been ages, fuck. Glad we all could make it!” Niall pats on Harry’s shoulder. “Can’t wait for everybody to be here already!”

“Me too. But since it’s only us for now, let’s get inside. I’ll help you out with your stuff.” Harry indicates to the car and as he approaches Liam, the other man also pulls him into a hug, more contained than Niall’s, but just as warming as a greeting.

“Oh yes, please. Liam said you promised food. I’m starving!” Niall walks beside them, opening the boot of the car.

“Says the person who ate all the snacks I brought for the ride.” Liam gets closer to the car, fetching a big backpack.

“That’s because they were very good, but not good enough to keep my stomach full, Liam. I’m not a man of just one single Walkers packet, soz.” Niall reaches for the back of the car boot, putting some effort to pull something from the inside. “And I didn’t have these babies to accompany me.” He finally takes the beer packs he has teased them the whole week as Liam pulls a cooler from inside the backseat of the car.

“Wow, that’s a lot of beer,” Harry says with wonder.

“Perks of having Stella Artois as one of our sponsors at the agency.”

“Impressive. Also, you have to tell me more about all that. How’s that going for you, anyway? Here, gimme some of those, lemme help,” Harry offers. Niall promptly hands him two packs so Harry can carry them as the three of them walk inside.

“Be ready to hear Niall talk nonstop about golf, my dear Harry.” Harry looks at Liam to see him rolling his eyes playfully.

“I’m all ears. I kinda practised golf for a while when I was in the States. Apparently, golf is a very important bonding activity with lawyers while trying to close cases.”

“Oh boy, you are in for a beautiful and successful story then, Styles.” Niall pats Harry's back with his free hand as they walk towards the kitchen.

Once they bring everything inside, they settle in the dining room. Harry sets the table for them to enjoy dinner and from there, they fall into conversation. Niall engages them with his stories from his golf management agency he opened four years ago with his brother. Harry remembers the last time they all had gotten together – that fateful December night in 2015 – when Niall had told them they were in the works of planning the business. Now, they are successful and well-established in the field, mainly in Ireland, since Greg had started the Agency there, but Niall deals with the British counterpart of their venture.

They keep the conversation going as they enjoy their meal. Niall and Liam compliment Harry on his cooking, very satisfied with the warm and home-cooked food, which makes Harry less worried, glad he started off on the right foot with his friends. While they eat and drink some wine and beer, he hears about Liam’s work and the jobs he got to do for big advertising campaigns, and also about the almost engagement he had with a girl he dated for three years. Niall comments how difficult it’s for him to find commitment with how busy he gets, travelling all over the country trying to find new prospect players for his agency.

The conversation is steering into a direction Harry doesn’t know how comfortable he is to talk about. One thing is to talk about it with his family, even with some of his closest colleagues from work, but another is to talk about his love life (or lack thereof) after Louis with the friends that were there to see it all unfold. Friends who stood by Louis’ side when Harry hadn’t been there to try to fix it all.

Harry notices the looks between Niall and Liam and he’s sure one of them is about to ask him one of the Red Flagged Questions. It’ll be something along the lines of, “Are you seeing anyone now?” or “How long did you wait until you dated anyone after Louis?” or even “Are you and Louis going to be okay this weekend?” Harry is saved when all their phones ping and vibrate with an incoming new text message.

He takes his mobile in hand and doesn’t even need to look to know that it’s a message from Louis.

 **Lou @ its fucking time now  
** I’m outside you fuckers what are you doing without me?

It feels like all the food he has eaten in the past hour has decided to have its own life inside his stomach.

He knew this moment would come, theoretically. But now that it is real, that Louis is just outside his front door, it’s more terrifying than he actually imagined.

“Should we let him wait outside a little more just for kicks?” Niall asks, amusingly wiggling his eyebrows.

“Nah, maybe let’s just say we did drink all of the booze without him,” Liam jokes along.

“You’re all mean.” Harry shakes his head, trying to control his nerves, taking a deep breath as he puts his phone down on the table. He takes another sip from his wine as if that’s gonna calm him down.

“You know how mean he can be to us, Hazza. That’s just inoffensive banter, really,” Liam says.

Harry doesn’t, really, not anymore. He has memories of that, of a past where he used to play along with Louis or tell him off when he knew Louis had gone way too far in his pranks with their friends.

“C’mon, he’s had a rough night already at his lame happy hour.” Harry cleans his mouth with the napkin and starts to stand, not really sure if his legs will let him walk properly.

“True that,” Niall agrees. “Well, let us all welcome the poor lad who must be starving as well. We’re coming to get ya, get in here, Tommo!” Niall shouts in an attempt to make Louis hear it all the way from outside as he also stands up from the table and starts walking ahead of Harry.

Harry feels Liam doing the same and sees him passing by his side, following Niall.

It takes a moment for him to notice he’s not moving as he watches Niall open the door and greet Louis, who tugs Niall into a hug. As Louis looks past Niall’s shoulders, he meets eyes with Harry.

There’s a smile on his face, a closed-mouth one, but that is directed at Harry for sure as Louis nods at him and averts his eyes to look at Liam, letting go of Niall.

And at that, Harry knows he’s done for.


	2. Before - Fall 2015

Harry reads the text notification with a knot in his stomach.

It feels like he’s in a never-ending loop of him and Louis missing each other. More often than not on purpose.

He’s hoping he isn’t doing it on purpose. It’s just that he has been really busy. His masters’ lectures and projects have been consuming most of his time and he knew he would have a lot on his plate. Both of them knew it.

But Louis...

He also knows Louis is busy with his lectures and assisting job. He never doubted it, but he also knows that there’s something bugging Louis. There has been something bugging Louis since Harry left and there isn’t much that they can do to fix it if they don’t talk.

And talking they try, but their busy schedules and the eight-hour difference between LA and London aren’t on their side. More than that, it feels like Louis purposefully makes himself busy. He always takes longer to reply or to make himself available, which always shortens the window of time they have when both of them are free. Whenever they do find the time, it seems as if Louis avoids talking about what needs to be talked about.

Today, though, he can’t avoid talking to Louis. That’s why the first thing he does when he wakes up is ring Louis, not even checking what the time in London would be or if Louis would be at uni. That’s why when Louis doesn’t pick up or return the call for the next hour, Harry is a rightful anxious mess.

Anxiety had taken over him since the previous night when he realised he needed to talk to Louis, when before he had been completely over the moon about the prospect of his professor’s proposal. It was an opportunity he knew was too good not to accept and even though Professor Cavanaugh had given him a week to think it over, Harry was almost sure what his answer would be. That was until he had to talk to Louis.

Which had to wait until the next morning, since the damn time difference was there to fuck them up. And so he waited, spending most of the night wide awake, tossing and turning and getting himself worked up.

Waiting for Louis to answer only adds to his nervousness, making him think again that it’s one of those times Louis could pick up the phone but would rather let Harry wait until he feels like it’s the right time to talk.

That’s until Harry receives Louis’ message.

It should calm his nerves. Instead, it makes him feel ashamed for thinking Louis was ignoring him, when in fact he wasn’t the one paying attention to their mismatched schedule. It should make him feel relieved that Louis is finally available to talk when Harry is somewhat free, but all Harry can sense is a rather cold and distant tone in Louis’ answer.

It shouldn’t be possible to feel how they are slipping away through a text message.

But he can. Because it’s the lack of warmth in how Louis responds. It’s the lack of enthusiasm, not really feeling like that apology was heartfelt. It’s the sense of how it feels like Louis is also replying and finally scheduling a time to talk to Harry out of obligation. It’s the lack of “Haz” or “babe” or “love.” It’s the “hey” that makes it so impersonal.

(It’s not only that though. It’s all the excuses of being caught up in something important all the time. It’s the weekends they had told each other they’d take to dedicate more time to themselves – weekends that got tied up in anything other than each other. It’s the Skype calls that start enthusiastic but turn into moments of silence that neither of them knows how to fill. It’s that nagging thought in the back of Harry’s mind that this had gone sideways before he even arrived in the US. It’s the feeling that he shouldn’t have brought the trail of an argument across 5,437 miles and an eight-hour time difference)

He reads the text again, and the more he looks at it, the more he hates everything.

 _Hey sorry i didn’t catch your call before, was in class  
_ _i’m done now... going back home, we can talk in 15?_

Harry replies as nonchalantly as he can, trying to incorporate this nonchalance to himself.

 _Oh right sorry, I forgot to check the time before I called :(  
_ _Yeah sure, I’ll be waiting, Lou. Can you ring me?_

He knows that he won’t calm down until he can finally see Louis on the other side of the screen, and knowing Louis, fifteen minutes might turn into more, so he tries to busy himself.

He finishes getting his things ready to leave for class afterwards. He goes to the bathroom to take a piss and splash his face with cold water and then he fixes his hair, trying to tame the long curls with no real success. He eats a banana even though his stomach is fighting with his anxiety to just calm the fuck down. He finally goes to his tiny living room and sits on the couch, grabbing his laptop and turning it on because he feels like this time he needs to see Louis, the whole of Louis instead of a smaller version of him through the tiny screen of his phone. It’s far from the real thing, but he’ll take what he can get at this point. He leaves Skype open, his status available, and scrolls through Twitter and Facebook to entertain himself as a distraction from bouncing his leg or biting his nails.

Fifteen minutes turn into thirty as he looks at the time at the bottom of his screen. He chews on the inside of his cheek as he plays a game of tic-tac-toe on Google. He should leave in fifteen if he wants to catch the bus down to campus.

 _Damn it, Louis_ , he thinks as he inhales deeply and almost closes the lid of his laptop to let out the irritation building up inside him. As he moves on the couch, his phone lights up and he notices there’s a new notification from Louis.

 _Forgot i had to go to the grocery store  
_ _it will take just a few more minutes  
_ _Ya still got time?_

That was 8 minutes ago. Of course he didn’t see it. His phone is always on silent, a habit Louis always nags him about since he constantly misses his notifications. It's never bothered Harry because he actually prefers quiet things, but it's times like this that makes him reconsider at least putting it on vibrate.

_Sure, there’s no hurry babe_

That’s a lie, but looking at the time again, he already knows he won’t make it in time for the class even if he wanted. He bits down on his lower lip and shakes his head. Fuck it. He can miss the first part of his lecture today, it’s not that important.

The more important matter right now is Louis and Harry can’t miss the chance of talking to him again.

_Getting home now, call you in a mo 8)_

Louis replies and the emoji is what makes Harry finally relax. It’s such a _Louis thing_ that it makes Harry’s heart ache with longing.

He runs his hand along his neck, pulling at the string of his necklace and taking it from inside his shirt to hold the ring dangling from it. He brings it to his lips as he closes his eyes for a moment. It’s just a silly thing to do to feel closer to Louis, closer to the promise they made over two years ago, but it’s also a habit he’s formed over the three months he’s been away from Louis, from their home.

The sound of the Skype ringtone startles Harry from his moment and he smiles softly as he tucks the necklace inside his shirt again and accepts the call, his heart beating a little bit faster at the anticipation of seeing Louis’ face. They have talked through the phone a few times over the past weeks but Skyping is something they haven’t done in almost a month. Seeing Louis through pictures and selfies he’d send might’ve felt enough at those times, but God, now he realises how he just needs to see Louis’ beautiful and in-real-time smile, the way his blues eyes crinkle and shine at the same time and every single little detail that just makes Harry adore Louis so much.

“You alright there, love?”

Louis’ voice interrupts Harry’s reverie. He didn't even notice Louis had already appeared on the screen.

“Was just thinking, sorry,” he answers sheepishly, now focusing on Louis’ image in front of him.

There he is. Still just as beautiful as he had last seen him. Even if Harry can notice he’s looking a bit tired, Louis is just as gorgeous as ever.

“Thinking ‘bout what?” Louis fixes his fringe with one hand as Harry sees he’s holding his phone with the other, also walking around their kitchen.

Harry chuckles softly at how silly this feels. “Actually, about you.”

“Oh, shut it.” Louis rolls his eyes but smiles nonetheless as he sits down at the kitchen table.

“‘S true. I just realised how long it’s been since we’ve Skyped and how I’ve missed your face.” He’s not afraid to confess it, because it’s the truth. Even knowing they’re not at their best, he loves and misses Louis more than anything.

“Well, that’s not ‘cause of lack of trying, ya know.” And just as Louis speaks, Harry knows there’s a dig in it and he almost regrets having been so candid about missing his own fiancé.

He tries to dismiss it though and focuses on the fact that they are talking.“Yeah, I know, it’s been hectic for both of us but we’re here, innit? I’m glad we caught each other just now.”

Louis seems to dismiss it as well. “Me too, I’m sorry it took me a little bit longer to call you back, I thought we wouldn't have time to make it. Aren’t you supposed to be in class?”

“Er, just about to go, actually, but… you said we could talk now, so I’d better take it, y'know? Besides, I can miss the first part anyway. There’s a project presentation, more like a prep thing for the final case presentation for the person doing it, so, it’s not like I’m gonna miss anything. I’d rather talk to you.” He’s earnest again because he knows they’ve been lacking it, that they haven’t been there for each other, that somehow their priorities have shifted. Despite all that, he needs to show Louis that he can still care enough about their relationship. Even if it’s because he needs to talk about what’s going on with him and how that might affect them.

“If you say so, I don’t wanna be in the way of your studies, Harry.” There it is again that smallest dig in Louis’ voice, that underlying message where Louis doesn’t say what he actually wants to say. “And what about your project, is the one you told me about for this class?” And then, there it goes as if Louis never hinted at anything.

“I’ve told you about some of the projects I have, so yeah, it might be one of them,” he snorts, trying to make a light comment.

“Oh, c’mon, Haz, you know I have my own things to keep up with, I can’t remember everyth–”

“No, I didn’t mean it like that,” he clarifies, hoping Louis won't get defensive about his poor joke. “I was… nevermind. I just, yeah, I mentioned it to you. The one about Amazon forest deforestation, yeah.”

Louis takes a couple of seconds to respond. It feels like he’s thinking about what to say, or the right thing to say with the way his lips curl to the side and then uncurl, and then he exhales. “I’m sure you’ll do great. Will you have a prep presentation like this?”

“Yeah… but not for two weeks.”

“Plenty of time to prepare, eh?”

“Sure.”

And there it is, that moment where the conversation stills for some reason Harry can’t pinpoint. They haven’t even been talking for five minutes and the things Harry hates the most about their conversations have already happened.

“Er, so, what about you? How was class?” He tries to get his footing back and not to let their unsynced conversation jeopardize their time.

“Oh, tiring as always. Sometimes I feel like my head’s gonna explode. I had already assisted Phillip’s lecture in the morning, so by the time I got to my class, I could barely focus. That’s why I didn’t see you calling. Maybe I could’ve used a little distraction.” Louis smiles softly as if it’s all back to normality. As if that’s something they still do or at least used to when they were still in Uni together.

And it’s not the memory that saddens Harry when he looks at Louis' teasing smile. It’s the fact that Louis doesn’t know why Harry called and Harry’s pretty sure if Louis knew, he wouldn’t be so excited for Harry to interrupt him in his class.

“No, I wouldn’t want to take you from your class as well, babe,” he says, and he doesn’t mean it like he knows Louis did before. “As I told you, I kinda forgot you were in class, sorry.”

“That’s alright, love. But that must’ve been something really important or were you just missing me so bad you woke up and decided to call me? What time was it there? 6… 7 am?”

“Around that time, yeah.” Harry bites down at his lips, knowing that there isn’t much beating around the bush now that Louis is asking why he called. The chit chat between them had just been him fishing for some type of conversation before he found the courage to get to the point. He knew it wouldn’t take too long for him to bring it up though. “I wanted to call you last night, in fact, but I knew it’d be way too early for you, so…”

“So… no missing me?” Louis teases, pouting a little and Harry wishes he could go through the screen and either smack or kiss Louis with all his force. He hates this hot and cold behaviour Louis throws at him in mere minutes, but God, he also misses Louis just messing with him.

“Always missing you.” He crooks a smile and hopes that the screen light is not fooling him with how Louis’ eyes seem to crinkle at the confession.

“Me too, love. Sorry I’ve been a little cranky today. Love you.” Louis’ voice is so tender and for the first time, not only today but in a while, Harry can feel Louis is being honest.

“Love you too, babe. And it’s alright, I know you’re tired. Sorry again for calling.”

“Harold, please if you apologise one more time for calling or interrupting me, I’ll hang up on you. It’s more than fine and I’m glad you called, I needed this pick me up from you, needed to see your face and I know that if you didn’t call, I’d assume you were already getting started on your day and I’d let it pass and go to bed and we’d spend another day without talking. And… to be quite honest…” Louis chuckles, but in a defeated way before he continues, “I hate this. I know it’s hard for me to admit it, and I’m the last one to do it so, and you never do ‘cause you don’t wanna bring something up that’ll make us feel sad, but I hate not talking to you every day or having you with me every day. I miss you, that’s all.”

It’s the way Louis says it all at once. The way he runs his free hand over his eyes and then to his fringe in that nervous and uncertain manner Harry knows so well. It’s the way he can sense when Louis’ voice cracks the tiniest bit, the way Harry can notice how Louis has been building up the nerve to spill his heart out to him that makes Harry’s own heart sink.

It sinks because that’s exactly what he wanted to hear from Louis all along. It sinks because they’ve been playing pretend, dancing around each other’s feelings for months when all of this could’ve been said since the beginning. It sinks because it only makes it harder for Harry to tell Louis what he wants to say.

“Fuck, Lou.” That’s all Harry can formulate.

“I– I’m sorry, I shouldn’t just spill it all on you at once, but I can’t keep pretending this isn’t affecting us. And it affects us more when we don’t talk about it. I hate to see us tiptoeing around each other and…,” he lets out a tired sigh, “God Harry, I’m trying, y’know. I promise I won’t whine, I just needed to put it out there otherwise it’s gonna eat me alive. We can talk, love. We can talk whenever you want, whatever you want if it means I’ll get to hear from you. Sorry again.”

Harry shakes his head, closing his eyes for a moment to collect himself. “Lou, I– I’m the one who should be sorry, I know that, and I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I know we’ve got a lot to work out and…” He opens his eyes, earnestly looking at Louis, hoping the internet waves will convey his words. “I miss us too. I miss just being us and I don’t want us to have anything else in between us.”

Louis is looking at him with low eyes and Harry can see how opening up has made Louis’ expression sadden, but for a moment there his face changes and his brows wrinkle.

“Anything else? That’s why you wanted to talk to me?” His voice is not demanding, but a little sceptical.

That’s not how he hoped Louis would understand what he said because he doesn’t want another reason to argue with him. He needs Louis to be on his side, which is the whole reason why they’ve been in this limbo in their relationship – the fact that Louis hasn’t taken Harry leaving in the best of ways.

“I– that’s not what I mean, Lou. I just meant that I want us to go back to _us_ , and it’s easier if we don’t find more things to be upset about with each other. And I wanna talk to you and I don’t want this to upset us more,” Harry tries in a way that doesn’t make it sound as serious as it looks — although, it is.

“Alright, so there’s a thing. And if you said you wanted to talk to me since last night, it’s not just something, Harry. You don’t let yourself get worked up for small things.”

“I don’t wanna make a big thing out of this, but I need to know your opinion about it, and that’s why I’ve been nervous, ‘cause… I don’t wanna go back to how this all started.”

Louis exhales loudly. “You mean when I didn’t want you to travel. You mean when you thought I was being unfair to you.”

“I said I don’t wanna go back to this, Lou. It’s… I apologised for that, didn’t I? And you… you came around, or so I hoped.” Harry tries to be calm, but it comes out a little defensive.

“Point in fact that you’re there, yeah, but that still doesn’t mean that I’m one hundred percent happy and you know that. And I also just said I’m sorry for being an arse for not dealing with this the best way and dragging this and missing you like hell,” Louis confesses and Harry can see how admitting it makes Louis vulnerable by the way he isn’t quite looking right at the screen.

“So, it’s something that we won’t be able to come around so easily, Haz. It’s hard not being with you in person and I know I’ll only feel better when you’re back here and… we just need to get over ourselves and talk, and we’re doing it now, right? It took only, what, three months? It’s not perfect but it’s better, I hope, so we can spend the remaining nine months figuring out how to be better at this.”

It’s the composed way Louis says it as if the answer to all their problems has been right there in front of them all along that makes Harry’s stomach twist, uncertain of what he can say that won’t spiral in the wrong way.

“That’s… hm, that’s– fuck, this is hard.”

“What is, Harry?” Louis frowns.

Harry takes a deep breath, focusing on how to calm himself and Louis down. “Lou, everything you said, I know very well, and I’m sorry. We’ve been down this road before, we agreed that I’d come here even if we were feeling two different things. All I wanted was for you to have this mindset since the beginning, y’know? I told you it wasn’t going to be the end of the world for us. I told you from the very start we’d just have to take one day at a time and in no time we’d be with each other again, right?”

“I know I’ve been a stubborn arse, but it took me a while to figure out that being angry at you wouldn’t solve our problems and acting the way I was, the way we were, isn’t helping so…” Louis pauses, and Harry can see him considering what to say, breathing in and exhaling hard. “Yeah, we can deal with this differently and I’m willing to do so just so the next few months are easier for us. Whatever you gotta tell me, we’ll work on it together, alright? So, tell me, what is it?”

Harry didn’t think it would be this difficult to talk to Louis about it, especially when everything Louis says is basically going in the opposite direction of what Harry has in mind.

“That’s the thing, though… the next few months.”

“Alright, what about them?”

Closing his eyes, Harry runs a hand over his face before he gathers the courage to just say it.

“Hm, it’s... Okay. So, there’s this one class we deal with ongoing cases and the one I got assigned to, my professor’s following it closely and he really liked my approach and insight on it. And he said that they’ve been on a standstill for quite a while and if… if they had me on the case, y’know, first hand, he thinks I could help.”

Biting down at his lower lip, Harry tries to look directly at Louis’ eyes, to see if he catches Louis’ exact reaction to what he said. Instead of the frown that Louis hadn’t smoothen for a couple of minutes, now there’s a warm smile on his lip.

“That’s actually impressive, love. I knew your big lawyer brain was meant for grandiose things,” Louis says and his voice is laced with pride, even if it’s in that playful and flirtatious way that makes Harry blush bashfully.

“Oh, stop it, but hm, thanks…” Harry chuckles but feeling a bit embarrassed because now is not the time for Louis to shower him with compliments with what he’s about to say next. “Yeah, so hm, the thing about my big lawyer brain is that… they can’t just use it, say thanks and let me go in the next months.” He tries in the same joking way Louis had used before.

Louis’ eyes squint in a confused way. “They– what? You're not making any sense, love. Stop talking rubbish now and use actual words, Harold.”

Harry breathes out, knowing he will have to say it getting directly to the point. “The thing is, they can’t just take my ideas, or my help, use it in the court case and say ‘thanks for it’. I can’t just show up one day, present what I have for them and that’s it. I’d have to be part of their team, as in I'd have to work for them. And for that, I’d have to start as a trainee solicitor.”

There’s a beat of silence when Louis seems to process what Harry said. When he speaks, it’s with a serious tone, void of any emotion. “Your professor just offered you a job?”

“Yes…” Harry confirms, his voice shaking a little.

“And how long would the contract last, Harry?” Louis asks in the same emotionless tone, but Harry can see he’s only controlling his annoyance.

He gulps down, embracing himself for the hardest bit of information he needs to tell Louis.

“They hire for two years.”

“Two years?!”

Louis doesn’t hold his emotions anymore, his question coming out loudly and enraged.

Harry hurries to try to calm him down. “That’s why I wanted to talk to you, Lou, this was completely unexpected. I never thought I’d get a real job offer here, y'know? But Professor Cavanaugh said that he sees a lot of potential in me and it’d be a waste if I didn’t work on the case. He wouldn’t want to take advantage of what I’ve worked on it and use it as his own, and the only way I’d get in would be having a contract with them.”

Despite having burst out just a minute before, Louis is staring at Harry with a passive look although his heaving breathing tricks himself.

“So you’re taking it,” he says flatly.

“I’m not doing anything about it, Lou. I’m talking to you about it first.” Harry can feel his throat closing up, the nervousness taking over him again because of Louis’ reaction.

“So you’re not taking it, yet.”

Louis is serious when he speaks again and it makes Harry’s blood boil because he’s already twisting his words and they haven’t even discussed what they can do about it.

“That’s not what I said. Don’t do your reverse psychology thing on me now.” Harry closes off his face. That’s a low blow, he knows it, but he can feel angry at Louis too if he’s not letting Harry explain himself.

“Ha,” Louis lets out, sarcastically, looking away from the screen and running a nervous hand through his fringe.

“Louis, this is… important. That’s why I wanted to talk to you. And all we’ve said before, it just makes it weigh even more with me sitting on this thing,” Harry tries again, showing how he needs Louis to be willing to talk about it.

Louis turns to face him again, his expression now more collected, but not any less irritated. “And how long have you been sitting on this thing?”

“He literally told me yesterday after class. I couldn’t call you right then, so I’m calling you now. I wouldn’t hide this from you, Lou, 'cause I want us to think about this together.” Harry is quick to reassure him, hoping Louis can see that he wouldn’t do anything behind his back like he thought Harry had done the first time.

It’s in vain though, because Louis keeps the straight face, only shaking his head the tiniest bit before he looks at Harry seriously.

“I don’t think there’s much thinking about it. At least not for me, Harry.”

Harry feels like his heart must’ve skipped a beat. His hopes that somehow Louis would change his mind, especially with how he had admitted he’d be willing to Harry moments before, seem to go down the drain.

“You just said we could work together on figuring us out, to deal with all of this better,” he confronts Louis, feeling his eyes burn as he tries not to cry.

“That was before I knew you’re considering taking a job to stay away for another two years!” Louis retorts, puffing out.

Harry chokes up, trying to explain himself. “I’m not consider–”

“Don’t lie to me, Harry. Don’t you fucking lie,” Louis cuts him off just as outraged as before. “If you didn’t consider it, you wouldn’t be asking for my opinion, you wouldn’t be gauging my reaction on this. If you didn’t think about it, you would’ve told your professor _no_ last night.”

Louis’ poignant stare leaves Harry speechless. It’s hard to face Louis when he doesn’t want to face the truth himself.

“Why didn’t you say no, Harry?” Louis questions, this time a little more demanding and that makes Harry lose his cool because he hates when Louis tries to make him say things that he knows is going to hurt both of them.

“‘Cause this is a lifetime opportunity, okay?” Harry confesses, heatedly. “‘Cause I could be working with one of the best law firms in the US. ‘Cause if I work on this case and by the time I finish my masters, I’ll already have my training contract and when I come back to England, I’ll come back as a professional lawyer.”

Saying it out loud should feel like a relief, should make his chest feel lighter, but instead, the disappointed and betrayed look in Louis’ eyes only brings guilt to Harry’s heart.

“And you say you haven’t considered it.”

It’s Louis’ stubborn attitude to refuse to listen to Harry’s motives that makes Harry annoyed this time.

“Louis, for fuck’s sake…”

Louis doesn’t let Harry continue, only speaking over him exasperatedly, now standing up and making the screen shake with how he moves his arm around holding the phone.

“Two years, Harry. Two fucking years. No, it’s almost three years!”

“But I’m going back, Lou.” It comes out low, Harry trying to not let the shame linger in his voice.

Louis lets out a weak laugh. “You said that to me three months ago. You said ‘I’ll be back in a year.’ And now? You're saying you’ll be back in almost three years. And what about when the three years come around? You’ll say you’ll be back in five?” He shakes his head and sits back again at the table, Harry notices as the screen stops shaking. “Harry, I can’t– I can’t build a life waiting for you... We’ve already been engaged for two years, for fuck’s sake. We were supposed to get married this year and now… when? When you feel like it? Which clearly isn’t soon enough,” Louis says with so much sorrow and resent that it feels like a knife into Harry’s back. He can’t believe Louis would think that of him.

He gulps down the chocked up sound in his voice. “Don’t you say I don’t wanna get married.”

“I’m not saying it, Harry, your actions are.”

At that, Harry can’t hold it anymore. He closes his eyes and lets the tears he’s been holding fall.

“I do wanna marry you, babe. That’s all I’ve wanted since I was seventeen. Since you first told me you love me. Since I first realized I love you! And we could, we still can! This is not me putting our lives on hold. We don’t need to wait.” He knows he sounds almost begging, but he needs Louis to understand that he would never think about not marrying him.

“Alright. Say we don’t wait, then what? We’ll have a long-distance marriage? How’s that gonna work any better than these three shitty months we haven’t been able to talk properly?” Louis is sceptical. He's looking at Harry with a hand resting on the side of his face, but genuinely posing a question.

Harry thinks he just needs to be truthful too. “I don’t want a long-distance relationship, Lou. I want you. With me.”

“Where do you want me, Harry?” Louis changes his posture, sitting up straight with a piercing look through the screen.

Harry answers without a doubt. “With me.”

“Where? ‘Cause for the next two years you’ll be in LA…” Louis instigates and there it is again, him prying for Harry to say what he’s avoided saying all long.

“I want you here with me, that’s what I’m saying. Here, okay?” He says, finally.

Louis smiles, but it’s in that sarcastic way again.

“That’s very rich of you, Harry. Very fucking rich.”

“Louis, please…” Harry cries out at the lack of sympathy from Louis.

“No, you say we don’t need to put our lives on hold, but what you mean is that _you_ don’t need to put _your_ life on hold. But I do? I get to leave behind what I already have here?” Louis’ tone rises again, indignant this time.

Harry blinks his tears away, not believing Louis is so adamant on not seeing all their options, so adamant on not considering Harry’s side as well.

“Okay, but you get to have your dream job and I can’t? We have to be in England forever ‘cause you found the perfect job for you when you know you could get something here too?”

“That works both ways, Harry. But it’s not the same for me, you know it. I have it all planned out here, I can’t just up and leave and start it all over! You know how hard I’ve worked to get where I am.”

It infuriates Harry how they have the solution of their problems so close to them and Louis still refuses to let go of his pride.

“You won’t have to start all over, Louis, c’mon. You’re on your way to getting your masters too! You can find a PhD here…”

“But there’s a difference between me as an assistant lecturer here, me having a scholarship for a PhD here, an almost guaranteed spot as future teaching staff and having to achieve all of these again over there!”

“You could get someone to recommend you, they know how hard you–” Harry tries to reason, but Louis interrupts him, sounding offended.

“I’m not you, Harry. I don’t get offered scholarships abroad, I don’t get offered jobs in the blink of an eye. And the thing is, I don’t wanna do it. I wanna be here. And you don’t. You never wanted to,” he says, bitterly but decisively.

It hurts Harry to hear Louis say something with so much certainty when all Harry has tried is to show that he still wants them to be together through it all. “Louis, that’s not true!”

The tears come back down again, and Harry looks up, trying to calm himself. There’s a moment of silence and if he hears Louis sniffing on the other side of the screen, he tries to tune it out so it doesn’t hurt him more.

When Louis speaks again, his voice is softer, more collected. “You could’ve stayed. You could‘ve also achieved all of these things you’re doing there here, but no, you had to go. And since day one you were the one putting our life on hold, don’t you realise that? You say we could still get married, but we could’ve already been married. We didn’t need to have a big ceremony or party. We could just _be_ married, but you thought it would be better to wait till you got back and now what?” He’s still demanding, but more cautious now.

Harry looks back at him to see that his blue eyes are also glistening with tears. He wants to explain himself, to try to find a solution for both of them. “I just thought…”

“You just thought about yourself, Harry. You’re not thinking about us. You’re giving up us to get what you want.” The accusing and bitter tone is right there again and Harry can’t let Louis think he’s the only one doing them wrong.

“And you’re not giving up anything!” He shouts back at Louis.

“I’m still trying to hold on to us!” Louis’ voice breaks as he tries to match Harry’s tone.

They stare at each other, knowing they’ve reached a standstill, their flare-up not helping them.

Louis continues, calmly this time, but no less dejected. “And you’re just… letting go. And it can’t work like this. When two people want two different things, when they drift away from each other... That’s not how this is supposed to work.”

“I don’t want us to drift away, Lou. I never wanted to,” Harry pleads.

“But you did it. You did when you didn’t choose us. When you’re still not choosing us. Either you want us or you want what’s best for you and right now, all you’ve just done and said…” Louis shakes his head, defeatedly.

“I chose what I thought would help us have a better life, Lou. I’m trying to make choices to secure us a future,” Harry tries to justify himself, but he knows it backfires when Louis rolls his eyes, his face returning to an incredulous expression.

“But there's no future when we’re not in this together. There’s no future when it’s easier for you to say yes to your professors than to consider what I think. You might as well marry one of them instead of me,” he says icily and Harry feels like he just received a punch in his stomach.

“Don’t say it, Louis, don’t– That’s the whole point of me calling you, to... to talk it out with you…” Harry stutters, making his best effort to bring Louis back to talk reasonably with him.

“No, Harry, you didn’t call to consult me. You called to warn me, to let me know. You called to try to convince me to change my mind, but… I won’t. I’ve told you since the beginning and this… now all of this… it’s just… I’m not the one who has to make a choice, it’s you.” Even though there’s still pain in Louis’ voice, he does sound more collected and sensible.

Ultimately, Harry knows this is up to him, but he can’t do anything that will hurt Louis more.

“What do you want me to do?”

“Harry, you know what I want you to do. But what do you want? Do you want us to continue like this? ‘Cause that’s what’s gonna happen. And I told you I can’t live to wait for you to decide when it’s the right time to give us attention. I can’t keep doing this, Haz.”

It’s like a bucket of cold water falling over his head. Louis doesn’t need to say it with all the words, but Harry understands the underlying message and it doesn't crush his heart any less.

The tears are coming back down again, he doesn’t even have the strength to stop them. “Louis, please don’t… it’s not fair. I can’t–I can’t choose. I can’t give up–” he tries to say through hiccups.

Louis’ voice is tamed but Harry knows he’s only putting on a brave face so at least one of them still sounds coherent. “Just be honest with yourself, with me, Harry. If you keep… fooling yourself, it’ll be worse.”

“I love you, Lou. That’s the truest thing about myself. I love you so much. I can’t… I don’t wanna let us go. I want us, need us. Can’t you understand how much this means to me? You make me feel like I’m the one doing all the wrong things here, but you won’t even give it a thought, won’t even compromise…”

It’s impossible for Harry not to sound like a begging mess, but he has no other option than to just wear his heart on his sleeve for Louis.

Louis takes a deep breath before speaking, keeping his face as calm as possible. “Haz, I understand how important this is to you. I understand ‘cause my career is just as important for me, but I want us to be here for each other, to grow and succeed together. With you away, for God only knows how long, I can’t do it, not when our plan has always been to do it together. We’re not together, Harry. I support you in achieving everything you’ve always wanted, and I thought I was gonna be part of that, but I’m not. Not as your partner, not as your fiancé, not as your husband. Not now. We’ve been down this road together for almost six years, but I can’t just stop and see you go, and wait for you to be done and remember I was waiting for you and then come back. It won’t be the same.”

When Louis put it all out there, Harry can’t help but feel that this hasn’t sprung out of nowhere. It feels like Louis has considered this before, already knew what he wanted to tell Harry if they ever came to this. And now that they did, it hurts even more to think that for Louis there's no other option, that Louis can’t see past this one disagreement to consider everything else they’ve had together.

“You can’t… you can’t even consider being with me? Lou… we’re more than being physically together. We’re partners. It should be bigger than this.”

Louis licks his lips, biting down at the lower corner, and manages to look at Harry with compassion, despite all the anger and pent up tension they’ve let out before.

“If we continue the way we are, do you think we’ll be able to get past this? Past this difference? Harry, it hurts that you chose something else over me. You chose to go there without talking to me first. You already had your mind set on what you want to do about this job offer before you gave a thought about us when you know what I want. I don’t think it’ll be easy to keep this up without being resentful. In this scenario, either you or I give up something and we’ll end up resenting one another, what we didn’t do because of what we chose if choosing us first is not both of our priorities.”

Louis’ bluntness and honesty cut right through Harry. He never wants to resent Louis, he never wants to take him for granted. It feels though he already has, they’ve already reached that point in their relationship. It’s a hard truth to face, but he knows if this is how they feel, there’s no way they can see past it. They’ll always hold on to this time if something goes wrong with them in the future. But still, he’s not ready to let go of it, of them.

“I don’t– I don't know what to say, Lou. This is not where I saw this going. I– I don’t think...”

Louis' voice is calm and soft, and Harry knows it’s only to subside what he’s going to say. “Harry, I love you and I know you won’t be happy with me not being happy. And I want you to be happy, even if… it’s not as us.”

“I can’t see my life without you, Louis. That’s not how I envisioned my life.” Harry still tries, not giving up without a fight, without letting Louis know that he wants them, needs them.

“Haz... love, just stop. You’re fooling yourself. You’re telling yourself one thing and doing another completely different. Think of what you really want and you’ll have your answer.” This feels like Louis’ psychologist side talking, and it doesn’t feel right but at the same time Harry knows Louis is right.

He doesn’t say anything, though. Only mulls over what he knows will probably happen between them.

“You still need to give an answer, right?” Louis breaks the silence, still in a soft tone.

“Yeah.” Harry sobs as he answers, the last of his tears escaping without warning.

“Fuck, it’s not gonna be easy. It’s not easy right now saying this, but you need to decide, Haz, and when you do I’ll be here to talk. When do they need to hear back from you?” It feels just as hard for Louis to say it, needing to be the one bringing them to face what has to be done.

“By next week,” Harry answers, not really wanting to.

“I’ll be here to listen to what you have chosen by next week then.” Louis lets out a loud and tired exhale.

Harry closes his eyes, feeling helpless. “Lou, please, don’t give me an ultimatum.”

“It’s not an ultimatum. But everything we’ve said today, we need to figure out what we’re gonna do about us and as much as I don’t want it, at least for me, this is the turning point. I’m sorry. Haz. I love you, but I can’t do this the way you want me to when I’ll be hurting myself.”

Opening his eyes, Harry sees Louis drying his face with the sleeve of his hoodie, only then realising that Louis must’ve cried just as hard as him.

“I don’t wanna hurt you, babe. I love you. I’m so sorry.”

“Haz… next week, okay?” Louis sniffs, trying to collect himself. “Let’s leave this on hold till then.”

Harry wishes he could touch Louis’ face, soothe the wrinkles in his forehead, kiss his puffy and red eyes, wash away all Louis’ worries and uncertainties, just as a way to forget about his own. He attempts to lift a hand towards the screen, wishing he could touch Louis, but he knows he’d look stupid doing it. He wants Louis to know, though. He wants Louis to know what’s in heart, doesn’t want to leave any doubt. “I’d kiss you now, if I could. If I were there,” he says. “Just one last time.”

“It wouldn’t be the last time if you were here.” Louis’ voice is hoarse and the guilt washes over Harry again. “I’m– fuck, I feel drained now.”

“I’m sorry,” Harry says, weakly, and attempts a tentative smile.

“I’m sorry too,” Louis replies, looking back at Harry with sad blue eyes that feel like staring inside Harry’s soul, knowing how dejected Harry is and how he doesn’t really see a way out for them from here.

*

One week is an excruciatingly long time.

For most people, it normally isn’t, but for Harry, this particular one doesn’t seem to pass by any faster. Every time Harry lies down at night, the hours seem to stretch longer and longer, his thoughts keeping him awake. Spending the day with barely any sleep only makes the days drag.

The worst part is the weekend when he doesn’t have classes to attend, doesn’t have anything else to do, anywhere to go – or doesn’t feel like it anyway, even with a few colleagues from his courses inviting him for drinks or to watch some game. And trying to keep himself busy, trying to keep his mind from thinking about his pros and cons and his own arguments is hard enough.

Waiting until Sunday is the worst thing he could’ve agreed to do. But Louis needed it too, needed the time, and even if Harry wishes he could postpone making any decisions about him and Louis, he couldn’t escape giving his professor an answer on Monday in class again. So he would have to stop dodging the bullet and make a decision. But making this decision about his life with Louis is a much bigger weight than he thought it would be.

Getting any sleep from Saturday to Sunday is even worse than the rest of the week, so it goes without saying that Harry barely wakes up on Sunday morning. He only gets out of bed when he deems it’s a reasonable time considering his time difference with Louis, takes a shower to make himself more alert and to try to reduce the redness in his puffy eyes from crying for however long it has been.

Swallowing down anything is a victory, even if it’s just toast and some tea.

It’s almost 10 am when he plops down on his couch, grabs his laptop from the small coffee table in front of him, and turns it on. He also fetches his phone and opens his messages with Louis, wondering when it felt so alien to say hi to him.

He hasn’t said hi to Louis in almost a week and that adds to his nerves.

It didn't feel right to talk about anything during the week. Even though they didn’t end their last call being angry at each other, it doesn’t feel like saying anything to Louis would change what they had talked about. Pretending that they were okay would not make this any better. Because they aren’t good, both he and Louis know it, and that’s why the last message between them is still the one with the sunglasses emoji.

But now it’s time. It’s time to stop typing out messages and erasing them. It’s time to stop opening Louis’ contact name and lingering on the call button while looking at the saved photo he had of Louis – the one with Louis smiling down bashfully, one Harry knew was caused by something cheesy he had said and that had prompted Louis to laugh. The image had been so captivating to Harry, even if he had already seen Louis doing that more times than it was possible to count, that he had to capture it.

_Hey, can I ring you now?_

He types but it doesn’t feel right. Feels too impersonal, just like that first reply from Louis the other day. So he tries again.

_Hi Lou, is it a good time for us to talk now?_

It still seems cold, too serious for how they usually talk, but… there isn’t any other way to make this feel any less serious.

Different from last week, Harry knows what he’s going to tell Louis now. He already knows that Louis is waiting for them to have this talk, so the seriousness of the message won’t lessen the intensity of what’s going to be said.

It takes less than a minute for Louis to answer.

 _Hey haz  
_ _Yeah sure, just call me x_

He thinks about replying, but that would just be small talk, would only drag the actual conversation. So he just makes sure to log in into his Skype on his laptop and waits for Louis to pick up when he finally make the call.

Not seeing Louis for a week seems worse than not seeing him for almost a month. It feels worse because when Harry looks at him, he can see the bags under his blue eyes, the tiredness that is only amplified. He sees that just like him, Louis has been dreading this conversation for a week and not looking forward to it.

“Hey,” Harry greets him softly.

“Hey, you. How are you?” Louis sends back a small smile.

“Hm, good, I guess... Or as good as I can be. And you?”

“I think I can say the same. But also tired. I spent yesterday helping Phillip prepare the exams, so…” Louis shrugs, not really looking enthusiastic about making small talk.

“That actually reminds me that I should be preparing myself for my midterms. But I haven't been up to it this week,” Harry tells him because it feels weird to just start the conversation out of nowhere. “It’s been a long week, Lou. A long and difficult week. I don’t think we’ve actually stayed so long with radio silence between us and… it was hard,” he confesses.

“But did you… could you think about it?” Louis is a bit apprehensive when he asks and Harry can’t stall him any longer.

“Yeah.”

“Did you already tell your professor or–”

“No. Of course not, Lou.” Harry is quick to avoid making Louis think he’d ever discuss this before with anyone but him. “This is about _us_ and I need to talk to you first. And I’m only meeting with him tomorrow anyway, and I haven’t… I need to know what’s happening with us to even talk to him.”

Louis nods, contemplative but eager. “So, what do you think is gonna happen with us?”

Harry sighs, still uncertain what will be the best way to tell Louis. “I don’t know Lou, I really don’t. I just have hope, but having hope is worse.”

“Harry, if you still don’t know what–”

“No, Lou. I–I know, yeah. I’ve made up my mind,” he says, trying to sound more convincing this time.

“And what’s that?”

It might seem like Louis is acting rather cold when he asks, but Harry knows it’s only because he wants Harry to be straightforward with him.

“Thinking about all of this was just hard, but also spending this week considering everything we’ve said last time helped me put things in perspective, Lou. And I just wanna say that the only thing I’m sure of is how much I love you. Every thought I’ve had this past week brings me back to how important you and our love is to me. And even though I know how strong we are, I also know that we’re breaking and I can’t let that happen.”

Saying that to himself seems easier than to spill it out to Louis. He tries to control the trembling in his voice but it’s hard when his eyes are already filling up.

“We’re breaking and it’s because of me. You’re hurting and it’s because of me, and I don’t want you to hurt, but also… I know what I want.”

He watches Louis attentively and this time he doesn’t see any angry expression in Louis’ face. It’s actually compassionate, understanding but still sad nonetheless.

“I know I’ll sound selfish, but this is very important to me, Lou. And as much all I’ve ever wanted is to be with you, to build a life with you, this right here is one of the parts that would help me get there, y’know? And I have a chance to make it, to make it big. But this is… is breaking us, Louis. It’s breaking you and I can’t break you when you also want to achieve so much, and I can’t stop you from achieving that in your terms and asking you to change for me. I’ve changed so much already for both of us and if you have to change for me, you won’t be happy. You’re not happy now and I can’t make you happy with what I want.”

“And what do you want now, Haz?”

Harry knows he’s only talking in circles. He’s only trying to make sure that he gets to explain himself, that Louis knows it is not a sudden decision, that he actually considered their situation and Louis’ feelings.

Gulping down, he takes a second to answer Louis, looking at him trying to convey his truest feelings as he voices his final decision.

“I want to finish what I started here. I want to start something here. I want to take the job, Lou.”

Louis’ expression doesn’t change, it still feels soft and serene. He only closes his eyes for a brief moment, chewing down on his lips, and exhales.

“I know, Harry. I already knew what you were going to say today. In fact, I’ve known what you wanted since you’ve left.”

It shocks Harry to hear Louis be so secure about it. “Lou, I didn’t–”

“Harry, you did. It might’ve been unconsciously, but you wanted more. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t have taken an opportunity so far away, so fast,” Louis says calmly, even though there’s still a hurtful feeling lingering there.

“But I never wanted to break us. That was never my intention. I just thought… I hoped you'd be by my side, and I’m so sorry I didn’t actually consider your feelings and your own hopes for us.” Harry tries to explain himself, but avoids looking for a fight. That’s not what he wants this time.

“That’s what hurt me the most, Haz.” Louis’ voice is small when he speaks. “Of course I want the best for you. I also want to be by your side, but we can’t do this when we aren’t actually on the same page. You skipped fifty pages ahead of me without considering that it would take me a while to catch up, or even that I might not want to catch up at all or leave where I am.”

Harry can hear the sadness and anguish in Louis and it doesn’t make it any easier to admit that he caused it without even realizing.

“I’m so sorry, Louis.”

“I’m sorry too, Haz. I’m sorry we didn’t deal with this better.” It’s almost like Louis is finally surrendering when he speaks, as if he doesn’t have any more strength to fight against it anymore.

Harry just needs to know for sure if that’s what they are both doing.

“So, there’s no way, is there?”

“You want one thing, Harry. I want another. Do you see any other way?”

There’s not much to consider this time. That’s what he had already come to a conclusion in this past week. He replies truthfully, even if it hurts.

“Not one that either of us will regret what we did. Not one where we won’t be completely happy. Not one that will taint our relationship.”

“So…” Louis shrugs again, but Harry knows it’s only to avoid being the one to say it out loud.

“This is it, then?”

“I guess it is.”

Right.

So, they are not really saying those words, but that’s what’s happening.

The end of their relationship has come and with that also come Harry's worst fears. Even though they are deciding not to be together anymore, the worst part is the thought of not having Louis in his life anymore.

He’s said it time and time again, but he needs to make sure Louis knows how he genuinely feels.

“Louis, I love you so much. I know this isn't ‘cause I don’t love you. I don’t think I can’t stop loving you, and it’s ‘cause I love you that I can’t see you hurting, that I can’t let myself hurt you. Even if I know this is not what we want for our lives together. But, fuck... Lou, I can’t do this without you. I can’t lose you. And even with all of this, I hope I won’t lose you.”

He’s wearing his heart on his sleeve again, being his most vulnerable, hoping that Louis feels the same.

“Haz, it’s not because we’re not... together that you will lose me. This is not easy on me either, do you think I want to lose you? To not have you in my life? You’re my best friend and have always been, regardless of our relationship. I still love you.”

It’s reassuring to hear Louis say those words, it makes his heart calm down a little, knowing that Louis’ feelings for him haven’t been tainted by all that.

“I just don’t see us working together like that with how our situation is at the moment,” Louis continues, not as enthusiastic as before, but Harry knows he’s still being honest. “I’m not content with you being away, with you staying away for years when we’re supposed to be building a life together, married. But I’ll never stop supporting you. It’s not the fact that you’re studying that has gotten in the way. All I want is for you to succeed and to be happy too, and I know you will, there.”

There’s a comforting smile on Louis' lips and his eyes are also crinkling. He knows Louis is still sad — he is too — but seeing Louis try to be positive about their feelings for each other lifts so many worries off Harry’s shoulder.

“This week’s been awful ‘cause all I wanted was to talk to you,” Harry says and he doesn’t mean to make it any more difficult for them to deal with it, but he just needs to put it out there. Keeping Louis in his life is the most important thing, as it always has been, “I just wanted to say hi, ask what you were doing, tell you something funny, just like we’ve always done, but it felt off. I felt like I was losing you completely. And I don’t want this. I don’t want to lose my best friend.”

“You’re not. You won’t, Haz, I hope you know.” Louis’ smile is bigger this time, but only for a short moment. Then he closes his eyes, his voice coming out weak. “We’re… Fuck, it’s awful to say it out loud. We’re breaking up but not cutting each other off. I just can’t go on knowing that what I want is not gonna happen any time soon and who I want is not here with me.” It feels like the words are stuck inside Louis’ throat, like it’s hard for him to say it all. “But if we’re not together, not tied to that commitment to what we promised we would do… it feels less pressured. I can’t demand something from you that isn’t there anymore.”

His admission is not filled with regret or remorse, even though Harry feels how heavy his words sound. It dawns on him that they are not only breaking up, but they are also breaking off an engagement, a promise to stay together forever.

“I’m sorry I broke my promise, Lou.”

Louis seems to understand what Harry's talking about and he shakes his head almost nonchalantly, and Harry can see he’s only trying not to let the thought of their shared life slipping away sadden him even more.

“It’s just not the right time, Harry. We–” He stops himself as if making sure he’s not going to say anything he shouldn’t. “I don't know. I don’t wanna think about the future now, alright? Let’s not even consider anything because we already know that planning and promising is a dangerous route to go. We just… keep going, okay?”

It would be such wishful thinking to believe that somewhere down the road, somewhere when all of this has gone past them, they could go back to this, to before things went wrong, or even promise themselves they could make it work again. So, he understands Louis. They’ll just keep going, they’ll just try their best to stay in each other’s lives.

“We’ll keep talking, right?” Harry asks for reassurance.

“Of course. Don’t– you don’t need to worry about that. I told you, you’re my best friend, I want you in my life, I want to keep sharing my things with you, and I want to hear from you as much as I can.” His face softens at that and Louis scrunches up his nose slightly, making Harry’s heart flutter at the gesture that is reserved for him.

Harry opens a smile, trying to keep confident about his and Louis’ friendship. “And we’ll see each other when I go back for Christmas, right?”

Louis laughs, genuine laughter escaping his mouth. “Don’t you dare skip seeing me on my birthday, you twat. Yeah, we’ll see each other then.”

It’s so good to have some certainty that Louis is not dismissing them, that they’ll be able to see each other, to spend time...

But then, it hits Harry that they won’t be able to spend time as they used to. Harry might not even be able to go back home because his home is with Louis. They live together. That’s something they’ll still have to sort before they see each other again.

“Right, because… hm,” Harry starts, tentatively, not really sure if he should bring this up but he might as well bite the bullet. “That’s the hardest part, I guess. I… think I’ll have then to get my stuff?”

“Oh.”

It seems Louis hasn’t considered that until that moment either.

“Is it too soon to talk about it? I just thought…” He’s a little bit disconcerted, but he can't think of anything else. It doesn’t feel right for them to do it any other way. “Lou, you should, hm, you keep the flat, obviously, ‘cause I won’t be there. You need it, you don’t need to leave and find another place. And when I come back I can just stay at Gemma’s or my mum’s. Not only now, but eventually.”

It’s a last-minute thought, but it’s the only solution Harry can find. He doesn’t know if it's a good one, though, seeing as how Louis is knitting his eyebrows in concern.

“That’s... Yeah, of course, that’s alright,” he says but Harry doesn’t think Louis is truly okay with that. “But, er, I don't think… Haz, I don’t think I can wait till you come back to visit.”

When Louis finishes, it takes a moment for Harry to absorb what he said, and still, he doesn’t quite grasp what Louis’ trying to say.

“What do you mean?”

“It’s already been hard enough, Harry. Waking up every day without you but with every little thing in this flat reminding me of you, reminding me that you’re far away and now… now that we won’t be, er, together anymore, I don’t think I can go another month with these reminders.”

Louis keeps looking at Harry as he speaks and Harry's not sure what his own face looks like. He’s thrown a little off guard with Louis’ admission. He hadn’t really thought about it. He hadn't considered how hard it is for Louis to deal with them not being together and still having Harry’s stuff around him. Not that for him it’s any easier just because he’s in a foreign country with few physical reminders of Louis. He still has his memories and everything he feels for him. That’s just as hard to let go of as physical things.

“Uh… right, yeah. I’m sorry, I didn’t think about it like that.”

“It’s okay,” Louis says apologetically.

But he shouldn’t be apologising. Louis shouldn’t feel sorry for not wanting to hurt anymore. “Actually, it’s not, Lou. I’m so sorry I– fuck.”

Harry tries not to cry, but it’s hard when he knows he has only caused Louis pain and that he can’t even stop him from feeling like that.

“Harry…” Louis’ voice is soft, laced with concern. If Harry closes his eyes, he can almost imagine Louis whispering in his ear, he can almost feel Louis enveloping him in his arm and calming him down.

He breathes in, trying to regain his cool, trying to focus on what they are doing, even if it’s the last thing Harry wishes to be doing right now.

“No, it’s… okay. It’s fine. We decided to do this. I can't expect you to… yeah. No problem. You can take my things to my Gemma’s then if you don’t mind doing that,” he concludes, just thinking of a way to end the topic. He’ll figure out what he’s going to do when he crosses that bridge in a month when he'll be back in England for the holidays.

Louis is looking at him with doleful eyes as he tries to comfort him, seeing how distressed Harry’s gotten. “I’m sorry, Harry. I didn’t mean–”

“You’re right, Lou. It’s… You’re doing the right thing,” Harry brushes him off, shaking his head, not wanting to dwell on all that anymore. “Just… we’ll be okay, right? We’ll keep talking, we’ll keep in touch. And we’ll see each other for Christmas. Don’t forget about it, okay?” He asks once again as if he’s begging for Louis not to forget about him, about them.

“As if I could. And we will, Harry. We will,” Louis assures him with a timid smile on his lips.

They end the call not long after, and even though there’s one less worry on his mind right now, he doesn’t feel any relief. He knows it had to be done, even though he’s losing the man he thought he’d have in his life forever, the man he’d thought he’d say “I love you” to every single day of his life. He still feels like shit.

_I don’t want this to sound weird now_  
_but I just needed to say this one more time, okay?_  
_I love you and we’ll be alright, Lou xx_

He sends the message more as a reminder to himself, to reassure himself. When Louis answers, he hopes that Louis has said it with the same meaning as he did.

_Love you too, haz x_

*

Walking through Heathrow airport is nothing like Harry thought it would be when he imagined coming back home. It’s also very different from the last time he had been here.

Months ago, Louis was there to hug and kiss him goodbye before he boarded the plane. Even if it was bittersweet, even if he knew that Louis had been angry at their situation, he had been there. Knowing that Louis would be there when he came back was a reassurance for Harry, was what calmed him down throughout most of his flight to LA.

Now though, Harry has known for a month that Louis wouldn’t be there to welcome him when he’d arrive back in London, but the knowledge doesn’t make it hurt less when instead of Louis he sees Gemma waiting for him in the arrival lounge.

“Hi Gems,” he says as he approaches her. She greets him with a warm smile as she walks towards him with open arms.

“So good to see you again, Haz. Missed you loads.”

“Me too.” He lets go of his luggage to hold her tightly, embracing that feeling of familiarity, of home again.

“Everything okay with your flight? You tired?” She pulls away from the hug but locks an arm around one of Harry’s. With her free hand she takes his luggage, making both of them start to move in the middle of the crowd that has gathered to await the rest of passengers arriving.

Harry walks along with her and lets her carry his luggage. He knows it’s a lost battle if he tells her she doesn’t need to do it for him.

“As well as long flights can be, ‘was alright,” he answers sighing, the tiredness of the flight catching up to him even though he slept through most of it. “Next time, remind me to save up more money so I can buy first-class tickets. Those coach seats were not made for someone with long legs like me.”

“Oh, the downside of having long giraffe limbs,” Gemma jokes, squeezing his arm playfully.

They keep the conversation going as they walk to the car park, getting into the car and then driving into the city. Harry asks updates about Gemma’s life and what she’s up to with her writing gig, about her boyfriend, friends, about their family, even though they talk on the regular and their mum also keeps Harry on the loop of what’s going on. Gemma asks about Harry’s classes, what he’s doing to keep himself busy, cornering those more delicate questions, such as his new job and his situation with Louis.

“So, you’ve already started at the firm?” She asks, keeping her eyes on the road ahead.

“Not yet. I’ve done most of the contract signing and that bureaucratic stuff, but they thought it would be better to let me start in January.” Harry looks outside the window, taking in the city he has left behind.

“Oh, that’s nice.” She glances at him briefly, shooting him a smile. “So, it really will be two years from then?”

He picks at the hem of his coat, not really feeling like facing Gemma right now. “Yeah.”

“And how are you holding up with this big change?”

There’s a gentle pat on his arm that makes him turn his gaze to his sister. She has a lopsided smile on her face and comforting eyes before she returns her attention to the road.

He inhales sharply before answering.

“I’ve wrapped my mind around it already. I’ll probably be able to afford a better place to live and all, so, lots will change. I mean, it’s a huge change, in every way.” He knows that’s not really what she asked, but he’s not actually lying.

“And what about the biggest change? How are you dealing with it?” She asks again, not leaving Harry the option to dodge the question.

“That’s one that’s not easy to deal with,” he says, not really even scratching the surface of how hard it has been for him.

“Have you talked to Louis?” Gemma’s voice is cautious.

Harry shrugs, now leading his hand to run through his hair until he’s tucking it behind his ear. “Yeah, we’ve been talking. Like, not the way we used too, but also a little bit better than it’s been in the past few months? It’s… it’s weird, Gems,” he admits, defeatedly.

She turns to look at him again when they stop at a red sign. “I can imagine. I mean, I could never know, but it must be hard for you. I know how much it has affected you and I have an idea that it has hit Louis very badly as well,” she pauses for a moment as if considering what to tell Harry. “When he came to mine to bring your stuff… I could tell he was only putting up a façade to seem alright, but it’s clear it’s not easy for him either, Haz,” Gemma says and Harry can almost feel the pity in her voice as she takes his hand in hers and squeezes it tightly before putting the car in drive again after the light turns green.

Harry sighs, missing the comforting gesture. “Nobody said it would be easy, but we both agreed and now we have to live with it.”

She taps her fingers on the steering wheel. “You’ve never stopped to reconsider?”

And that’s the question Harry has been avoiding for a month from everybody who knows what’s going on with him and Louis because it hurts more to answer it than to think about the fact that they’ve broken up.

“The hard cold truth is that... no,” he answers truthfully. “It was hard the first time I talked to him ‘cause I was torn between what I wanted. Once I, hm, decided... It was best for both of us, Gems. We wouldn’t be happy any other way.”

It takes a few seconds for Gemma to say anything back. Harry knows she’s trying to find the right thing to say to not judge him or make him feel bad.

“You’re trying your best, I know. You’ll come around this, you both... you’ll see.”

“I hope so. We’re doing fine with each other, though. We even talked about meeting up before heading back to Holmes Chapel, so… we’re not on bad terms, we’re still friends. I still want to be friends,” Harry says it more as a reminder to himself than to explain it to his sister.

“That’s the hardest part, innit?” She turns to him again, now with a sad look in her eyes. “You’ve been together for almost as long as you’ve been friends.”

“But we’ve always been friends, Gems, and I don’t want that to change. I love him as my friend, and I still do as my partner, but… we’re not that anymore, so as long as he wants to still be friends with me, I’ll learn how to only love him in that way.” It’s not easy to say it without feeling like he’s hanging on by a thread, but he needs this mindset to make it through the hard times.

That’s what he has been telling himself in the past month as a way to tame how he feels about Louis. He knows their friendship is so entangled with their romantic feelings. If they can get past that, he hopes that will be enough for them to keep each other in their lives.

The conversation stirs a bit when he notices that Gemma doesn’t want to push him to keep talking or doesn’t want to sadden him, so they talk lightly the rest of the drive until they reach her flat.

Once they get there, Harry settles himself in her spare bedroom where he finds his stuff from his flat with Louis. There are a few boxes marked with separate labels written down with Louis’ handwriting and a couple of bags – essentially everything else he hadn’t taken with him to LA and it makes Harry notice that his whole life with Louis had come down to that.

It hits him harder to realise it and that, the next time he sees Louis, their lives won’t be the same anymore.

*

A couple of days before he and Gemma are set to go back to Cheshire to stay with their family, Harry along with Louis and their friends finally set up a get-together. Even though most of them are going back to Holmes Chapel as well for the Holidays, they thought it would be easier to meet in London than to take some of their time with their families back home.

That’s a good thing, Gemma had said to Harry when he told her about the gathering. Not only as an opportunity to see Louis again, but to see his friends, to get into the familiar rhythm he had always had with them, she had pointed out to him as a way to convince him not to give up going.

Yeah, it's a good thing, Harry finally convinces himself, but he can’t stop feeling nervous about the prospect of talking and seeing Louis in person again. Even though they seem fine through messages (they hadn’t spoken on the phone or skyped again since the last time), it’s a whole different thing to deal with the real Louis in front of him. Even more when Harry hopes to get a moment to talk to Louis alone. He knows they settled their break up, but it doesn’t feel right to leave it like that. A lot of things don’t feel right to Harry, and he needs to set those things straight. He needs to take away the weight that he carries and for that, he has to face Louis. He only hopes Louis would agree to that.

Louis was the one to suggest going out with their friends and even suggested that he and Harry meet up at the tube station to head to the pub since Harry gets off from Gemma’s place at the station closest between his flat with Louis ( _Louis’ flat. He’ll have to remember that now it was Louis’ flat_.) and the pub. So, he’s hoping Louis will be down for a talk some time since he doesn’t seem reluctant to be around Harry again.

And so, Harry finds himself on a Friday night a week before Christmas getting out of the tube, hugging his coat closer to his body to protect himself more from the freezing wind that cuts through him as he steps into the street. He looks around and spots Louis standing next to the building across the street and if the cold wind was already making his body shiver, the sight of Louis makes his body go cold and hot at the same time.

He’s wearing a long and fluff coat that almost engulfs him, with a grey beanie on his head and his fringe sweeping out from it covering his forehead. In previous times, Harry would run to Louis and hug him, feeling the cosiness of his body and melting himself into him. Now though, he walks towards Louis at a normal pace as he crosses the street, watching as Louis notices him approaching and takes one last drag from his cigarette, stomping it on the pavement to put it off.

“Haz,” Louis says, turning to face Harry and taking a few steps to meet him.

“Hi, Lou.” Harry stops just two feet away from Louis, inhaling the nicotine smell that comes from him, all too familiar. He smiles as a way of greeting, uncertain of what is the best way to approach Louis.

“Oi, come here.” Louis breaks their distance, pulling Harry into a hug. It’s unexpected and at first, Harry doesn’t know how to react, but as soon as he feels Louis squeezing him, he lets go of his nervousness and envelops his arms around Louis as well.

It’s everything Harry missed and at the same time, it’s everything Harry knows he can’t have anymore. It’s knowing they can have this as friends, but also knowing that none of what would come after can happen: the inhaling of Louis’ aftershave, running his nose along his neck, kissing his cheek, whispering “I love you” to his ear, moving his mouth to meet Louis’ and kiss him gently or urgently, just like they’ve done a billion of times, knowing that that is home.

Now, it feels awkward to hold on to in their embrace for too long, but before they pull apart, Harry takes a second to remember how Louis felt under his arms, how warm he is, and how good he smells. If he traces the smell of his own shampoo on Louis’ hair, he tries not to dwell on it.

“Missed you, Lou.” He doesn’t know why he says it out loud, but once it’s out there, Harry doesn’t regret it – it’s the truth, despite everything they’ve been through in the past month.

Louis steps back giving them some space to direct his look up to Harry’s eyes. “Missed you too. How are you doing? Getting used to our winter again?”

His tone is soft and there’s no dig in it, not like Harry would usually sense when Louis would say something about LA or how Harry was not in London.

“A bit harsher than in LA, but I’m always used to this, can’t quite forget it,” Harry laughs dismissively, bumping Louis’ on his side with his elbow. “It’s weird, though, I’m already missing the sun every day.”

“Welcome back to good old and grey London, mate.”

Louis says it playfully, but it stings a little to hear Louis call him “mate.” He hasn’t heard Louis call him that since before they started dating.

“Talking ‘bout mates.” Harry clears his throat. “Are the lads already on their way?”

“Niall texted me saying he’s already there, obviously.” Louis laughs, rolling his eyes dramatically. “Li and Z said they were also meeting up to head together, so I guess we should get going, shall we?” He gestures his arms for them to start walking.

“Yeah.” Harry nods and follows Louis as he leads the way to their usual pub.

It’s an Irish one, of course, because once Niall moved to London before all of them, he made sure to find the best Irish pubs first. And so when they all found themselves living in London – for work in Liam’s case, for Harry and Louis because of their masters and Zayn just because London had a better night scene than in the North – they all followed Niall’s recommendations and created a few traditions and habits of always meeting for a night out in the same pubs or nightclubs.

The familiar route to the pub goes much more smoothly than Harry first thought. He and Louis keep a light conversation with Louis asking about Gemma and Harry asking about Louis’ plans for Christmas with his family. It’s still weird to talk about all that even though he’s not part of it anymore. Not too long before, they were planning their holidays together, and now, it’s a whole different world.

It’s also a completely different world when walking down the street doesn’t feel as natural as it would’ve been if Harry had been holding Louis’ hands; if they had shared one of two quick kisses between their chat; if Harry didn’t feel like his chest was in flames every time he would look at Louis and see him smiling softly or laughing discreetly. All his mannerisms are there, all the little things Harry loves about Louis are there, but he isn’t there anymore, not as Harry’s Louis.

It takes them almost ten minutes to reach the pub and when they enter the establishment, again the familiar feeling consumes Harry. He thinks about the nights they spent in there, all the times Harry had to carry a drunk Louis back to their flat or the other way around, or even a passed out Niall to crash at their place.

They spot the Irish lad a few tables into the place and it doesn’t take long for Niall to see them heading his way. Harry knows it because at first Niall’s expression is gleeful but it changes to a more contained one, probably just dawning on him that they came together, but that they aren’t together anymore.

“I don’t even wanna know how many pints you’ve had so far, Horan,” Louis says in lieu of greeting Niall as he takes a seat by his side.

“Fuck off, Tommo. I’ve had just one. Not my fault every time I enter this place, Connor is already handing me one.” He bumps Louis with his shoulder before he finally settles on his seat. “Harry, mate!” Niall exclaims, standing up to reach out for Harry.

“Hey, Ni,” Harry replies, extending his arms to welcome Niall with a hug. Niall squeezes him even more tightly than Louis did and Harry laughs, patting him on his back. “What’s going on here?” He asks as they part, gesturing to the tips of Niall’s hair.

“Trying to let them grow out,” Niall shrugs, running a hand over his frosted-tipped hair.

“You’d be a hit in LA. Very fashion appropriate,” Harry mocks and receives a slap on his arm in return.

“Yeah, bet you’ll be getting Californian highlights on your curls soon. It goes well with your hippie lawyer style.” Niall rolls his finger in Harry’s curly tips and Harry only slaps his hands away from his long hair.

The comment makes Louis snort from his seat and Niall smiles triumphantly at Harry.

“Heeey,” Harry protests back as he sits down on the far end of the table, facing Niall and Louis.

“Talking about Cali, how’s it going?” Niall asks, plopping down again besides Louis and swinging a sip from his beer bottle.

From there, the conversation flows. Harry tries his best not to seem so enthusiastic when talking about his life in LA or even his new job. It’s not like he hasn’t talked about it with Louis, but it feels different when he has to look at Louis and identify every facial expression and feeling Louis transmits in person. He has known Louis for over seven years now, he knows him very well to see when he’s suppressing his disdain about something and he doesn’t want to cause it this time. He just wants them to have a nice night out.

Liam and Zayn join them not long after and as they drink more beer, they loosen themselves, joking around, talking about their lives, work, families and plans for the next year. Harry’s nervousness dissipates then, able to enjoy his friends’ company and feeling cheerful for Zayn’s DJ gig that will get him travelling around the world next year, for Liam’s promotion at the graphic design place he works, and for Niall’s prospects of opening a golf management company with his brother.

When he hears about Louis’ plans to just keep working towards finishing his psychology masters and keeping his assistant job, his heart flutters at the thought that things are really about to change for them. He won’t be by Louis’ side to watch it all happen first hand and Louis won’t be there by his side to watch Harry’s achievements as well.

It’s only his mind playing tricks with him, making Harry question what he has chosen to do with his life. Deep down though he knows that even if they had been together to watch both of them accomplish their goals, somewhere along the way, they wouldn’t be completely happy about the way they decided to do it, thousands of miles away from each other. He already knew they weren’t happy and with Louis bringing it up and admitting that he couldn’t wait for him forever, Harry knows he’s made the right decision.

His heart weighs with it though, with the reminder of what they had and what they could still have every time he looks at Louis and he feels far away from him. He is within reach, he’s right there in front of Harry right now, but not as it used to be. Despite his efforts to make this night the most normal he can, he knows things have shifted between them and also between his friends. They know of the situation of course, so, it shouldn’t alarm Harry when he catches their concerned looks and even some sad remarks once in a while, looking from Harry to Louis and knowing that something is not quite right with the two of them. They are probably noticing how weird it is to see them apart instead of having them lost in their own bubble, not paying attention to anything else around them as it used to be when they were always out together.

Harry keeps the brave face, though, and knows that he can’t go back to being that way with Louis. Instead, they do their best as they had promised each other before. It’s not perfect, but it’s alright as they reminisce about moments spent together with the boys, and even ones of only the two of them, although it’s bittersweet to remember about it all and accept that it’s all in the past now.

It’s a hard reality to face, but one that makes Harry even more sure of what he needs to talk about with Louis. The constant reminder of everything they had is heavy in his chest, not only figuratively, but physically as Harry carries his engagement ring in his necklace. Every now and then he runs his hands around his neck to make sure that it’s still there and every time he’s confirmed by that, it gets harder for him to look at Louis.

The night goes on and despite his own thoughts, Harry definitely enjoys having this time to just let go and be with his friends. It’s not uncomfortable, it’s only different and he hopes that they can all adapt to this new normal. He doesn’t want to lose them as well.

When they’ve decided Niall’s already had enough beers (simply because he wants to go karaoking when the pub doesn’t even have karaoke nights on Fridays), they all agree it’s time to head home. Harry bids farewell to Liam and Zayn, wishing them all the best and that they keep in touch, and that Zayn sends him updates from every country he visits. It’s a bittersweet goodbye, with hugs that want to say more than they do, but that leaves Harry already longing to meet his friends again as they go about their way home together.

As for Niall, Harry and Louis make their way with him to the tube, making sure he’ll get inside the right train and that he knows he’s supposed to get off two stations from there. Niall promises to let them know he’s arrived safely at home, but that won’t calm Harry down until he’s heard from him again.

“So, you want me to wait for you too? Your train will be here soon, but I can wait if you’d like.” Louis says, more timidly than Harry would like. He watches the other side of the platform where his train should be coming from and sighs because he isn't ready to say goodbye to Louis just yet. He doesn’t want to and in fact, has waited until this moment to get Louis alone and properly talk to him.

“Hm, actually,” Harry scratches the back of his neck nervously, “I was wondering, Lou, if I could take you home, so we can talk?” He asks, not really looking at Louis, afraid to see what his reaction will be.

“Oh... er, do you think it’s a good idea? I mean, we’ve had a little too much to drink and–” He can sense Louis’ hesitancy.

“I didn’t drink that much, to be honest,” he replies, giving a small shrug, “‘cause I was actually hoping we could talk. It’s… just a talk, Lou, I promise. I know we’ve already said enough to each other, but I think I’ll feel better if we talk face to face. If you want, that’s it.”

He lifts his gaze to finally look at Louis and he’s met with Louis’ uncertain expression in his eyes. He seems to consider what to do and then lets out a long exhale before speaking again.

“It’s fine, Haz. Yeah, we can talk.”

It doesn’t feel like he’s completely okay with this turn of events, but Harry will take what he can get. He’s doing that for them and he hopes Louis will understand why he needs to do it.

So, they leave the platform where Niall embarked and head to the one with the line that goes to their flat.

( _Louis’ flat. Louis’ flat_ , Harry needs to remember.)

The ride isn’t long since they are getting off at the next station, but different from the rest of the night, now it feels off, their conversation still. Harry tries to dismiss it as both being already tired and worn out by their night out. As they leave the station and walk a few blocks in the chilly night, Harry hopes that’s enough to change the mood once they get to the flat complex.

Something Harry hadn’t thought about beforehand is how he’d feel being in his place with Louis again. Everything about it feels like home to Harry. The familiar street, the surrounding buildings, the courtyard with the fountain by the end of it, the trees shadowing the open spaces and the ones with benches and tables for people to sit there. Memories wash over Harry of the first time they had visited the place and how they had loved it and hadn’t even looked for other flats after that. That was one year ago and since then, they had walked around that courtyard numerous times, spent time there lazing around when they had nothing to do or had walked around the neighbourhood streets time and time again, creating thousands of memories, one more special than the other.

Harry tries not to get too caught up in his own memories as they make their way into the building, straight to the lift wirth Louis punching the second-floor button. They are still making small talk, but Harry can’t for the love of God pay any mind to it as it all becomes too much to absorb.

The 28 silver plaque on the door feels like a punch in Harry’s stomach, but he pulls through, taking a deep breath as Louis unlocks the door. For a moment, Harry thinks about his own set of keys somewhere in his luggage and how he probably should’ve brought them with him, but maybe that’s something for another time.

“So, come inside,” Louis calls Harry’s attention as he’s already standing inside the flat with the door open waiting for Harry.

It’s completely surreal for Harry to think that the last time he had been inside this place, he never imagined that when he’d come back, he wouldn’t be calling it home anymore.

He steps inside, cautiously, as if he’s entering something sacred, something that needs to be taken care of.

“Do you want some tea?” Louis asks as he closes the door and takes off his coat, hanging it on the hooks behind the door.

Harry takes the flat in, noting every detail that feels different.

It’s the same flat, Louis didn’t change anything major about it. The fact that besides Louis’ coat there isn’t the one Harry left there, that besides Louis’ vans there isn’t the pair of boots Harry usually left there, and that anywhere around the flat there is only Louis’ stuff somehow shouldn’t startle Harry because he knows all his stuff that once used to inhabit this place are stacked up inside boxes in his sister’s spare bedroom. Still, it does. It’s like a shock of reality to see a place that was once full of him, now is completely void of him, as if he had never been there at all.

He remembers to answer as he sees Louis move around the kitchen, having already turned on a few lights around the place. “No, I’m fine.”

“I’ll make one for myself, ‘cause I’m fucking freezing,” Louis says and Harry can already hear him pouring water into the kettle. “You can, er, make yourself home.”

Harry scoffs to himself at this. He doesn’t look at Louis when he speaks because he’s pretty sure that Louis isn’t looking back at him, knowing how foreign that exchange is between the two of them.

As he makes his way into the living room, he checks his phone, finding a text message from Niall there.

_Im gome nwo thabkslnfod tonigf!_

He chuckles, relieved that his friend is okay despite his drunk texting and thankful for the moment of distraction until he reaches the middle of the living room. He looks around himself and decides to take a seat on the couch, slowly. He spreads his hand along the fabric, over the throw blanket and the cushions on it, bringing to memory all the times he laid on it, all the times he and Louis spend hours watching a series or films, all the times he and Louis had been too lazy to move to the bedroom and fucked right there and then.

“I’ve made you a cuppa anyway,” Louis announces as he approaches Harry and Harry tries to compose himself, not realizing how long he had spent lost in his own thoughts.

Louis sits down on the seat next to him, not really close but not too far either, with his mug in one hand and placing the one he brought to Harry on the coffee table in front of him.

“Thanks,” Harry says, knowing how impolite he would look not to accept the tea. He doesn’t even need to check how Louis made it, he knows it’s the exact way he has been making it since they shared their first cuppa. Louis got his preferred taste right every single time after that.

He actually takes a few sips from it as Louis also keeps drinking his, both in companionable silence, almost like they have many times before. Now, though, there’s a different atmosphere, tension hanging in the air that Harry doesn’t really know how to cut, but that he needs to.

“Honestly, thanks for it and for letting me in,” he starts, not sure if that’s the right thing to say, but he has to test the waters somehow.

“Haz, there’s no need… it’s okay. Of course I’d let you in, I– it’s your place after all too. I mean, it still feels like it.” Louis places his mug on the coffee table and turns his body to face Harry better. “I’m sorry I was a bit reluctant there in the tube. I just thought we had such a good night with the rest of the lads, you know. With you too. Maybe I just didn’t want to spoil it, but you’re right, I think we should have this talk in person.”

Harry smiles softly at him, feeling a bit calmer now that he knows Louis is okay with them talking.

“I had a great time too, Lou. I can’t deny I was nervous to see how it would go, ‘cause it’s one thing for us to keep talking through texts, another is to actually see you and act normal around you. I know we promised nothing would change, but… it’s hard,” he sighs, closing his eyes for a moment. “Tonight was very hard. I feel like if I didn’t talk to you, it wouldn’t seem real?” He places his mug down on the coffee table too, taking a bit of time to gather his thoughts and focus on what he had in mind to say.

Louis doesn’t say anything and when Harry turns to look back at Louis, his blue eyes are cast down as he picks at the loose skins of his fingers.

“I mean, it still doesn’t seem real. I thought I would’ve made peace with it during this month, but it’s so hard, Lou.”

At that, Louis looks up and the sparkle in his eyes is muted, but he seems to be listening with intent as Harry continues.

“At first, when we talked, when we agreed, when we finally… decided that it was best for us to break up, it hadn’t dawned on me completely and I must confess, hearing you say that you needed to get rid of my stuff, it hurt so much.”

“I’m sorry, Harry,” Louis speaks, sounding apologetically with the way his eyes soften a bit. “You brought it up and it was something that was already… suffocating me. Even if we had been still together, we were in that limbo, and I was angry and everything in here just reminded me of you. I… I wasn’t trying to get rid of you. I was just trying to spare more pain for me? I can’t get rid of you completely if I’m being frank.” He lets out a long breath, looking around the living room as if cataloguing what is not there anymore. Harry follows his motion and can picture Louis seeing every little bit of Harry here and how that must’ve felt.

“I know, Lou. I understand, but again, it was that first moment that I couldn’t quite grasp it, that I still couldn’t process that we were breaking up, you know? But as the days went by, I could understand what you meant, ‘cause…” Harry pauses, running his hand through his hair, nervously picking at the ends of his tips. “There are a lot of bad things about us breaking up, Lou, we both know that. And what breaks me more is the fact that I couldn’t keep the promise I made you.”

Louis is biting down at his lower lip when Harry glances at him again and it’s harder to continue his line of thought when he just wants to reach out to Louis and calm him down, hug and kiss him. But he has to be brave, otherwise, they will go back to square one.

“It breaks me to know that I couldn’t fulfil it and that I had already broken it before, ‘cause I had promised you that we’d spend the rest of our lives together, I had promised you to make you always happy, to love and cherish you for as long as I’d have you. And I didn't do it, Lou and I’m so sorry.”

As he’s speaking again, he can already feel his eyes filling up with tears and he can tell that Louis’ not faring better, but somehow there’s still a small trace of a smile on Louis’ face. He doesn’t say anything, though, only keeps looking at Harry, waiting for him to continue.

“And the reminder of this promise felt exactly how you described... like it was suffocating me. It’s what’s made it harder for me to just accept that we’re not together anymore and I understand you completely now, it’s not easy living with it.”

Harry looks down at himself, reaching his hand inside his jumper under his coat to pull the string of his necklace. When he sets his eyes on Louis again, that small linger of a smile has been replaced by a frown and a closed face.

“Lou, before anything... I’ve said this so many times and still it feels like I haven’t said enough or that I failed in assuring you that I love you, that you’re so important to me. Also, I feel like I’ll never be able to apologise enough for taking you for granted and for as long as we still keep ourselves in each other’s lives, I’ll make sure to cherish everything we’ve had, but…” Harry pulls the necklace completely over his head and holds the chain with the ring in his palm. “I can’t live with a physical reminder of the promise I made you.” His throat closes as he says the last words, and it almost sounds choked up as he tries to keep the tears from falling as he holds his gaze with Louis.

And it’s there, looking at Louis that he sees the moment the damn breaks and Louis’ expression completely changes from confused to incredulous.

“What?!” Louis says in a high pitched tone.

Harry’s taken aback by that, not following if Louis understood what he was saying. The way he eyes the ring in Harry’s palm,though, it feels like he got the message.

“I…,” Harry gulps down, trying to keep himself calm, “Lou, I know how much this meant for you. It meant a lot to me too. It means a lot. It means so much that I can’t keep carrying the literal promise of our love with me, knowing that we aren't together and that I can’t live it up to you.”

Louis shakes his head, huffing with a small laugh. Harry still doesn't follow.

“Louis, please, say something.”

Harry watches as Louis adjusts himself on the couch and turns his body towards Harry, his face completely straight.

“You’re giving back the ring?”

“Yeah,” Harry answers, but his voice is almost shaking. “Louis, I just can’t… can’t keep it. And I’d never throw it away. I could keep it in a box, I don’t know, lock it away, but the thought of having it with me… it makes this all harder. I’d rather you have it since you were the one who gave it to me. If I couldn't keep our promise, at least I could, y’know… give it back to you.” He extends the hand holding the necklace towards Louis.

This time, Louis laughs louder, nervous and sarcastic at the same time.

“And here I was thinking… just… fuck you, Harry!” He gets up from the couch, making his way around the coffee table, taking off his beanie and throwing it aimlessly somewhere in the room.

Harry’s eyes widen at Louis brusque behaviour and he’s completely lost once more.

“Louis, I don’t understand. I thought... I thought this was the right thing to do. I can’t–”

“You can’t live with the reminder of me, yeah, I caught that Harry. I’m not deaf.” Louis sounds angry.

“That’s not what I said,” Harry returns, frowning, fidgeting with the ring still in his hand.

“Oh no, you didn’t say it, but you meant it.”

“Have you been listening to a word I said? How did you think that’s what I mean?” It’s Harry’s time to sound exasperated.

“I have, Harry, till the point that I thought you had come here to actually… say that you were sorry. To say you’ve thought this through since living with the weight of this decision has been almost unbearable for you, that you’ve reconsidered…” Louis starts pacing from one side of the living room to the other, shaking his head, looking up and puffing.

Louis’ words catch Harry off guard.

“Louis, I thought we had… I thought we discussed it. I thought we both agreed and as hard as it was, that we both were on the same page of us breaking up.”

“Forgive me, then, for being a hopeful arsehole, Harry.” Louis throws his arms up and down, and then stops, turning to face Harry again. “Forgive me for having a flicker of hope that this month would serve you to realize how wrong we’ve both been. Forgive me for thinking that the man I thought loved me would still want to be with me.”

Harry's the one standing up now. He lets go of the necklace on top of the coffee table but he doesn’t move. He doesn’t think he can move close to Louis, his legs won’t let him take a step towards him.

“I do love you, Lou! That’s why this is so hard. We’ve talked about this, we… please, don’t do this to me. Tonight’s been hard enough.” Harry tries, as calm as he can.

Louis’ voice, on the other hand, only gets angrier when he speaks again. “And you think it hasn’t been hard for me? I was doing fine when you were five fucking thousand miles away, knowing that you were actually away and that I could wallow in my own fucking sorrow without you to remind me that I still fucking love you and that you’ve left me. This night has been a nightmare and for a second here, I thought I’d be able to take a breath of relief, that everything I’ve wanted and prayed for was actually happening, only for you to throw that fucking ring in my face to say that you’re getting rid of me completely.” He points at the coffee table and shakes his head, waving Harry dismissively.

“I thought you’d understand. I didn’t do it to hurt you more, Louis! I thought you’d understand ‘cause… you’re the one who got rid of me first! Look around yourself, you’ve already gotten rid of me. Tell me how that's any different.” He doesn’t mean to sound bitter, but it comes out without him thinking before he says it.

“It’s different because everything here was you. They were your things, they were a constant reminder of you not being here. The ring… the ring is bigger than that, Harry.”

For the first time since Louis blew up at Harry, he calms down, but only to almost curl in into himself, to make himself smaller in front of Harry.

It makes Harry’s heart swell and hurt because he still doesn’t understand how Louis could’ve misinterpreted his actions.

“Exactly, Louis. It’s... it’s bigger and I can’t keep something so big, something so full of promises with me! You’d rather me throw it away without even telling you?”

“It doesn’t matter what you do with the ring, Harry. It’s your intentions that matter. You’re throwing away our… love, everything about us. That’s what you're doing and that’s exactly what you wanted.” Louis puts both his hands on his waist, breathing in and out, without looking at Harry.

It hits Harry right there, then. How fucking stupid he was thinking that giving the ring back to Louis would make things easier. Instead, it only served for Louis to see Harry as the selfish one again.

He takes a tentative step towards Louis, still not getting closer, but trying to let Louis see that he has his guards down when Louis still has his walls up.

“Louis, please. That’s not true. I’ve said it so many times, I never wanted to break us, to be away from you…”

“You did, Harry. You so did,” Louis’ voice sounds defeated and tired as he steps away from Harry, not facing him. “And I’ve told you so many times that you could get everything you wanted right here, that there was no need to go away, so fucking far away, but you went away anyway. You chose to be away, you chose to live your life without me. You can lie to yourself all you want, but you can’t fool me anymore. You’re getting what you really wanted and this, this is the final straw. This is the last thing you had to do to finally live your life without me in it.” Every bit of resentment Louis held to himself, Harry can feel now and it’s so much harder to swallow down this time.

Harry doesn’t try to keep his calm anymore, his voice getting louder than he intended. “Fucking Christ, Louis! That’s– That’s not it at all! I know I’ve hurt you, but I've never wanted to cut you off of my life. I’m sorry we both want different things, but… I thought I was doing what was best for us. I’m trying to make it easier for both of us to just deal with this all better ‘cause I know it won’t get better if we’re together, if we still have things pending between us. The ring is it for me. I just…” Harry shakes his head, not knowing what else to say to make Louis believe him.

“You’re right, Harry.” Louis finally turns to look Harry in the eye again, but those cold blue eyes are worse than anything Harry could’ve seen in Louis’ expression. “You’re making it easier for both of us. You know what would make it even easier? If you’d just forget about us entirely.”

It feels like Harry's breath has been knocked out of him. His whole body shakes from hearing the one thing he dreaded most about what would happen between Louis and him.

“Louis, please, that's not…”

“That is, Harry. That’s exactly it. You'd be doing both of us an enormous favour if you just… left. Just fucking leave, Harry. I’m done. I’m fucking done. If you’re not hanging on to anything about us, then why should I? You’ve made yourself pretty clear tonight, so just… fucking go and forget about anything we ever had together.”

Louis’ harsh words are too much for Harry to handle. He only feels the thick tears falling down his face as he walks closer to Louis, but again, Louis is walking even farther from Harry, this time heading towards the flat door.

“Louis, just… fuck. That’s not what I want, please,” he pleads and he’s beyond repair to feel any shame about it.

“But that’s what I want, Harry. If you care enough about me, just this time think about what I want.” His voice is firm when he says it. Even if Harry can see that he also has tears coming down his cheeks, his blue eyes are glistening in the saddest way Harry has ever seen.

And that’s because of him. He did that to Louis and that’s worse than anything he imagined he could’ve ever done to him.

He doesn’t say anything though. He takes another few steps until he’s face to face with Louis, who’s already got the door open for him.

They stand there, looking at each other and Harry knows that this image of Louis completely broken in front of him will be one that he won’t forget so easily.

“I love you, Louis, I really do. I’m so sor–” He tries, but Louis stops him abruptly.

“Just go, Harry.”

This time, Louis turns his head away from Harry.

Harry nods and ducks his head, stepping outside. He doesn’t even have time to catch a breath when the door closes behind him with a loud bang.

He turns around, the 28 plaque mockingly looking at him.

He hears a muffled thud hit the floor from behind the door and he can only imagine Louis sliding down the door to the floor, helpless and a wreck as he finally lets his walls come down to feel what has just happened between them.

Harry swallows, leading both hands to cover his face, trying to dry his tears and collect himself. When he takes a deep breath, he lets his hands down and stares at the door again, just below the 28. There he sees the small letters carved below it.

_H+L_

He runs a finger over it, letting it drag a little bit lower. He knows it’s not the same thing, but knowing Louis is just on the other side of it, he hopes his words will convey, even if Louis doesn’t want to hear it, will refuse to believe it.

“I love you, I’m sorry,” Harry whispers as he steps back and heads to the stairway, not having the mind to wait for the lift to take him away from the flat, away from Louis, this time for good, apparently.


	3. July 25th 2020

**Saturday (At the Bungalow)**

Harry is awake as the early morning sunshine lights up the room, even though the big curtains at the window try to keep the sun from brightening the master bedroom.

He stretches himself out languidly, trying to let go of the last bits of sleepiness in his body. He should be feeling more tired than he is, with how late he went to bed and laying awake for longer than he wanted, but he isn’t. He pats the bed, hand going under the pillow to find his phone.

It’s barely 8 am, still. Normally, he’d get up later on weekends, but that doesn’t bother him today. It feels like a good time to finally get out of bed, get started on his day without disturbing his guests and make breakfast. By the time everyone else is up, they can enjoy the day together.

The thought of his friends still sleeping in the room across from Harry’s is enough to fully rouse him from lazing around in bed.

It’s not that he forgot there are three other people with him at the house. He didn’t even drink enough last night to wake up not knowing where he is. He’s completely aware that he’s hosting his long-term friends at the bungalow for the weekend. What prompts Harry to feel more awake is the fact that he needs to find the energy to deal with them and to keep up the bravado, especially with Louis.

Last night was… something. Harry can’t quite describe what happened last night. As much as everything felt rather normal, there was an overwhelming sensation inside him since the moment he laid eyes on Louis.

He had already known it was going to be hard to know what to feel when finally meeting with Louis in person. He had believed, though, that five years would have been enough to settle his own insecurities, sorrows and even the love he felt for him. He didn’t expect to feel like nothing had ever changed, as if every little feeling he had for Louis had just been dormant inside him and suddenly, one look was all it took to break the dam.

The hardest part was to tell himself to tuck everything back inside again before talking to Louis. He was stuck in place, watching Niall and Liam greet Louis inside the house. It took him a few deep breaths and counting to ten to finally start moving and not look like there was something wrong with him. Which there wasn’t—he just didn’t know how to react to Louis. Their interaction in the group chat, the slow change between not acknowledging one another to finally being able to mention each other’s name, and the one video call where they could look at each other’s face for the first time in years had not prepared Harry for what to do when standing in front of real Louis.

He was saved by Louis himself, fortunately. After letting go of Niall’s embrace and shaking hands with Liam, Louis turned his attention to Harry at his approach.

“The house looks exactly like it was back then, Harry. Very nice,” Louis said, and just like that Harry’s uncertainty melted away. 

Louis didn’t take a step towards Harry nor extend a hand to greet him, but that first tight lip smile transformed into a warm and open one. Harry never expected Louis to hug him or anything anyway. That smile was as much a welcoming gesture as Harry would get and, for now, that would be enough.

“Mum and Robin really took care of the place, what can I say?” Harry returned the smile as softly and welcoming as he could, hoping Louis would understand that as his way to acknowledge that he respected Louis’ distance and space. “How was the ride?” He added, knowing there wasn’t much else to be said, but also not wanting to let any awkward silence rest between them or to let Niall or Liam take over the conversation. Harry’s a grown man who could deal with having his ex-fiance at his house and maintain a normal and civil conversation between them, or so he hoped.

And that’s exactly what the question prompted. Louis answered saying that he was glad to get on the road and leave the awful Happy Hour he had to attend earlier. Niall then joked about how bad the pub they chose for the event really was and Liam promised to make it up to Louis by letting him have as much beer as he wanted while they kept eating dinner and talking.

From there, the night flew by. Niall and Liam mostly carried the conversation, but Harry didn’t want them to be the mediators between him and Louis. He also interacted with them normally, chimed in with his opinions and inputs as they discussed the week or some random topic. 

And so did Louis. Of course, it felt more comforting for him to bring something to the conversation when Niall and Liam spoke, joking with them or laughing at something one of them said. Differently from their early group chat conversations, Louis didn’t ignore Harry’s contributions this time. He listened and even looked at Harry attentively, which, for Harry, was more disconcerting than appeasing.

As much as he tried not to, he couldn’t stop his attention from gravitating towards Louis. It felt like his brain was trying to make up for five years without having a glimpse of Louis in his life by cataloguing every small detail in him. From the way he spoke to the way he laughed. From the way he ate to the way he’d cover his mouth while munching on the food while still trying to talk. From the way he’d bring the beer bottle to his lips to drink from it to the way he’d flick his hand through his hair occasionally. From the way he’d roll his eyes at some nonsense one of them would say to how he’d laugh throwing his head back with his eyes closed at another stupid thing. It was like Harry was unfolding every little mannerism he already knew by heart, only relearning them and being enticed by them all over again.

Even when Louis was not talking, Harry would catch himself timidly glancing at him just to make sure that, yes, Louis was really there. It made him feel a tad guilty and embarrassed though. He wasn’t supposed to feel that way. He didn’t have any right to feel like that after all those years. But the fact that he didn’t even catch Louis looking back at him once was somehow relieving. He didn’t expect him to do so. Harry knew very well where Louis stood. He wouldn’t show any interest in Harry all of a sudden, of course not. And if there was any curiosity from Louis’ part, he didn’t let it show.

And so, that’s how the rest of the night went. They stayed up until well past 1 am, drinking beer and wine, chatting away, and with Harry trying to suppress his own confusing feelings and making sure no one noticed his internal struggle.

When they finally headed upstairs and Harry showed them the room they’d be sleeping in, he hoped to feel relieved as soon as they were settled in. But going to the master bedroom, getting himself ready to sleep and actually lying down on the bed did very little to calm his nerves.

He can’t even say he’s had a good and full night’s sleep since he spent the better part of it trying to get his brain to shut down. The fact that he’s up earlier than he’d like to is just a consequence of his not so well slept night. He powers through it, though. He has people to attend to, a reunion to host and a weekend to survive his own feelings. He can’t let it affect him. It’s only two days, after all. When it's all over, he can let his thoughts consume him all by himself. Right now, he can work on keeping them away and his mind clear of any worries.

Nothing better than practising his morning yoga to help him with that. He finally gets out of bed, then. He walks towards the window, peeking through the curtains to see the lake and extensive lawn at the back of the house and admire the beautiful day that’s rising in front of him. He can certainly take advantage of that to do his exercise once again.

After using the bathroom and washing up, changing into fresh and comfortable clothes and fetching his yoga mat, Harry’s careful when he leaves the room not to make too much noise and disturb the boys still sleeping in the other room. The door is closed when he heads down the stairs, so he reckons he still has some time all to himself.

As he walks into the kitchen and through the dining room, Harry’s glad that last night they thought better to clean the dishes before heading to bed. The only thing he will have to worry about later in the kitchen will be what to make for breakfast.

When he gets close to the French back doors to the deck, he's confused. One of them is not completely closed and he tries to remember if they had opened it last night or if, even from earlier, he had forgotten to lock them. He really can't tell, so he tries not to dwell too much on it as he slides them open.

Stepping outside, Harry looks around to check that everything's in order and to take in the fresh air and the landscape in front of him. But then, his eyes get stuck on the figure standing by the railing at the edge of the deck.

“Oh,” he lets out realising it's Louis and stops on his tracks as he observes him. He’s wearing a very loose black tank top with grey joggers, standing barefoot and with a cigarette in his hand.

Louis turns at the sound to look back at Harry. He lets out a puff of breath as he tilts his head to Harry in a small greeting. Without saying a word, he takes the cigarette to his mouth and drags on it.

Harry gulps down, confused, but manages to cautiously walk closer to him. 

“Hm, I didn’t know you were awake already.”

Leaning on the railing on his side, Louis takes a second to exhale the smoke again and taps the cigarette on the edge, letting some ash fall onto the grass. 

“Er, yeah. I’ve been up for a while,” he finally speaks, but with no real enthusiasm.

It makes Harry’s insides drop a little with how different Louis is talking to him this morning compared to last night. He tries not to take it personally, though. If Louis’ been up already, it means he might’ve not slept well either, and he wonders if there was any problem.

“Was everything okay? The bed was alright for you? Did Niall snoring not let you rest?” He tries asking in a relaxed way.

If Harry sees a small tug of a smile on the corner of Louis’ mouth, he doesn’t let himself take pride in it. “No, hm, ‘was alright. Niall actually doesn’t snore that much. Liam threw a pillow at him once, and it was enough to shut him up,” he laughs shortly, “and the bed was fine, but hm, I… I’m used to not sleeping through the night anyway. The fact that I’m not home might’ve helped with it, but it’s nothing, really.”

It takes a second for Harry to remember the first messages he received from the group chat and put the information together.

“Oh, you… I remember you mentioned… insomnia, yeah?” He’s not sure how to ask about it. Louis hasn’t mentioned it since then and he doesn’t want to pry into a personal matter, not when he’s sure he’s not entitled to that kind of information anymore.

“Yeah,” Louis answers, noncommittally again, taking his cigarette for another drag.

Harry watches for a moment as Louis smokes with his eyes closed, then letting a smoky breath out looking in Harry’s opposite direction.

The normalcy Harry had felt the night before now feels like it’s from another lifetime. It makes him rethink everything he hoped wouldn’t happen when they’d finally be at the same place again.

Harry doesn’t know how to reach out to Louis when it’s just the two of them. It hasn’t been the two of them for so long. He hoped he wouldn’t need Liam and Niall to be the glue that would bring them together, but looking at Louis and his nonchalant and cold treatment, not really showing any interest in engaging in conversation with him… That’s exactly what he feared would happen.

He can’t let it happen, though. He promised himself he would try to at least have a decent time with everybody. And for that, he has to start with Louis. He can’t let Louis dictate that they will only be nice to each other in front of the others and the moment they are out of their sight, he’ll give him the silent treatment as if the progress they have made in the past week meant nothing.

Their situation’s fucked up, he knows it, but it’s in the past. They don’t necessarily need to bring it up to be in good terms this weekend. They can be adults and leave it all behind just so it’s less awkward for everybody else. And if Louis is having a hard time doing that right now, Harry can try to show him that they can. He won’t let Louis bring him down because he can’t move on from their fallout. 

Pretending everything’s okay isn’t ideal, but Harry has to start somewhere. 

He can start by trying to know this new version of Louis, trying to understand him to help navigate through their interactions. Because as of now, he’s at a loss and hurt that they’ve let themselves get to this point where they are completely estranged. It hurts that he has no idea what’s going on with Louis. It hurts that he doesn’t know why Louis has insomnia now, because, when they were together, it would usually take over 20 minutes for Harry to manage to wake up a sound sleeping Louis beside him in bed.

“I… didn’t know. I mean, I don’t remember you ever having trouble sleeping.” Harry tests the waters carefully. It’s probably not the best thing to say, but he’s being truthful.

Louis turns his head back at him, considering Harry for a moment. He taps his cigarette on the railing again before speaking. “It’s… more recent.”

His tone is calm but flat and Harry hates it, but still, he won’t give up so easily.

“Have you tried anything to help with it?”

At that, Louis actually snorts. This time he takes a short drag, exhaling the smoke as quickly as he had inhaled. “Have I tried? Yeah, I have… nothing much to do, though.” He shrugs.

Harry licks his lips nervously. He’s not mocking Louis, he’s just concerned. It’s not entirely his fault he doesn’t know what Louis has gone through.

“Hm, of course. I’m just… I know there’s medicine for that, right? And also alternative methods. I mean, I’ve heard mediation helps and all that.” He fidgets with the strap that holds his yoga mat. “As a psychologist, I thought you’d–”

“I’m not that kind of psychologist, Harry, in case you’ve forgotten,” Louis interrupts him curtly.

Harry takes a deep breath to answer Louis as calmly as he can. “‘Course not, I know. I’m just saying. You must know other professionals that might recommend that to you. Have you… tried that?”

Louis closes his eyes briefly. His cigarette is burning out as he lets it hang on the edge of the railing. He takes one last drag as it has become too short, putting the bum out on the wood and throwing the stub out on the grass.

“Yeah, yeah. I have. Didn’t seem to work for me.” He turns completely to face Harry, letting his elbows rest on the railing, leaning back against it.

That’s when Harry finally takes notice of Louis’ chest and arms covered in tattoos. It feels like being hit by a bucket of cold water to remember what Louis actually looks like. Last night he had arrived at the house with a light jacket and took it off to show a polo shirt underneath. Harry had noticed the tattoos on display on his arms, of course. But now, looking at the whole picture again, it’s hard to ignore how gorgeous Louis is with the ink scattered across his body. It also makes Harry hyper-aware of his own tattoos, most of them which complement some of Louis’.

He looks away briefly, trying to gather himself again. “I get it, yeah. It took me a while to get into it too. But now, it feels very… natural. With meditation and yoga.” He nods to the yoga mat as he pats it. “I mean, I don’t have insomnia, but it helped me with… everything else.” He clears his throat, not wanting Louis to catch the underlying significance of what he said.

It seems Louis doesn’t really catch it or simply ignores it, since he gives Harry a once-over, as if only now acknowledging Harry’s full presence there. “So, you’re into it now, eh?”

“Yeah, I started when I was still back in LA,” Harry scratches the back of his neck with his free hand, unsure how Louis will react to the mention of his time in California, but it seems he dismisses it as well. “And it just became a habit. It really helps, at least for me.” Harry shrugs and gives Louis a small smile.

Louis raises his eyebrows in surprise, nodding. “Good for you. Were you going to do it now?”

“Mmhm. Yesterday I took some time to do it down there near the lake. It was really nice, so I thought I’d do it again today before everyone’s up. I didn’t know you’d be here, though. I looked from the window upstairs and didn’t see anyone before I came down. I thought you were still in the bedroom with the others.”

“Oh, don’t mind me.” Louis leans away from the railing, lifting his hand and shaking them in front of him. “I came downstairs a while ago. I was actually just lying on the couch for some time but decided to take a fag a few minutes before you showed up. Really, don’t mind me. I’m done here. Don’t wanna get in the way of your practice or whatever,” Louis explains himself, already walking towards Harry in the direction of the French doors to go back inside.

Harry shakes his head. “No, that’s no problem. I mean, you can stay out here too. It’s not like…” He pauses when Louis stops right in front of him, regarding Harry curiously. “It’s not like we can’t stay at the same place at the same time.”

“That’s not what I meant, Harry,” Louis clarifies and Harry can sense a small concerned tone in his voice. “I just... Don’t wanna get in your way. I don’t know, you must get into a ‘yoga vibe’. I don't wanna be a distraction or disturb you.”

“You won’t.”

Harry’s certain he’s lying to Louis and himself. But he feels an urge to make sure Louis knows he’s welcome to stay wherever he wants around the house even if that means being around each other. He just doesn’t know why.

Louis raises a brow at him in question. “You sure?”

“Yeah. I’ll be down there,” he points to the lake and then back to the space around them, “and you can stay here on the deck, smoke some more, do whatever you want. You won’t disturb me and I certainly won’t disturb you.”

It takes a moment for Louis to consider as he looks at Harry with uncertainty still written all over his face. But then his expression softens and he nods. “Alright then. Go do your yoga, yoga boy.”

The quip throws Harry off, along with the smile Louis sends him. He's not expecting it from him so openly and relaxed after the way Louis has treated him in the past few minutes. But Harry will take it either way. Whatever reason Louis has to concede to what he proposed, he won’t contest it. Although he knows that if Louis stays outside while he does his yoga practice, his plans for it to help him be calm and collected will go down the drain.

Harry watches as Louis walks back to his place by the deck railing, digging inside his joggers pocket and taking out a cigarette pack and a lighter. He takes it then as his cue to go on with his own activity, walking out of the deck and heading down near the lake.

He rolls out his yoga mat and settles himself at the same place he did his practice yesterday. Considering what routine he’s going to do now, Harry figures he won’t be able to do any of it if he as much gets a glimpse of Louis, so he makes sure that however he starts, he has to be facing away from the house. The view with the lake and the trees in front of him should be a more soothing one anyway.

Before he finally prepares himself to start, cautiously minding the routine not to feel too exposed but still doing something that will help him with his morning mantra, Harry takes one final look at the house before getting into position. Louis is still there, now leaning his front body against the railing of the deck. The smoke he exhales dissipates as Louis keeps looking at Harry's direction. It feels like he doesn’t have any intention of moving away or taking his attention elsewhere.

There’s nothing much Harry can do other than accept that he said that it was okay for Louis to stay out there. He’ll have to deal with it and power through his practice with an audience today, it seems. 

And so he begins.

Sitting down nice and comfortably, Harry closes his eyes to focus on his exercise. He goes through the motions of his routine, tuning out any thoughts and his surroundings. He hopes it works as a way to ignore the awareness that Louis is watching him. He's done yoga before with other people, it's not something completely different to him. It shouldn't be any different just because Louis decided to pay attention now.

He gets into his practice just like any other day, starting easy to wake up his body, then changing things up as he builds up energy and strength with his movements, all the while guiding his thoughts to happy and positive intentions. He tries to forget how awkward that interaction with Louis was. He tries to convince himself that he can get past it, hoping that he can reach out to Louis in a better way, one that doesn't feel forced or just out of politeness. He hopes for familiarity, normalcy and calmness. All he wants is for this weekend to work out in the best possible way and hopefully, starting the day with this mindset will help him stay on track.

After some moments letting his body move almost on its own accord, Harry pauses in downward-facing dog to catch his breath and notice how he feels. He takes the opportunity to look forward to the lake, watching the sun sparkle through the water. It’s calming and relaxing and everything he needs to centre himself before continuing. But before he does so, and before he can even stop himself, he chances a look back at the house, in the direction of the deck to see that Louis has moved from where he was standing by the railing.

He's now sitting on the edge of the deck, his feet on the lawn, still smoking and still observing. It shouldn't get in the way of Harry's focus, but somehow it makes him too aware that despite everything, Louis is attentive to his moves. He tries to ignore it as he gears to get moving again without any distractions and does his best to stay present in the moment for the remainder of his exercise.

Wrapping up, he is back on a sitting position as he relaxes his shoulders and softens the skin of his face. He stares at the lake in front of him and lets himself feel the gentle breeze and the sun touching his skin almost as a hug, warming him up and calming him. He stays there for a few minutes gathering himself as he closes his eyes, summoning all the energy from his practice to get up and face the rest of his day.

When he opens his eyes again and moves to a stand to collect his yoga mat, he's startled by Louis walking the lawn towards him. He pauses from rolling up the mat, waiting with one hand on his hip and the other passing over his forehead to wipe the sweat away as Louis approaches him.

“That didn’t look so hard,” Louis says and Harry notices he doesn’t have a cigarette in his hand anymore. Must’ve finished smoking some time during the final moments of his exercise when Harry wasn’t looking. “I mean, for you at least. You seem to get the hang of it easily.”

Harry’s intrigued as to why Louis is suddenly making small talk, especially about something that he seems to be too sceptical and averse to.

“That comes with practice. It wasn’t easy in the beginning. It was very different from any workout I was used to doing.” Harry engages in the conversation though, not wanting to miss the opportunity since Louis is the one who’s making an effort.

“Did you stop boxing altogether? That’s kinda a drastic change, innit? Going from one extreme to the other,” Louis questions and Harry shouldn’t be so surprised that he’s bringing something up that recalls the past.

Harry shakes his head, laughing softly. “Hm, not really. Boxing is about letting things out, you know, lashing out while still working the body in an intense way. When I want to have a harder workout, I still hit the gym every now and then, though. Yoga is more about looking inwards, connecting with your inner self and energy but still getting to work the body more softly, we could say. It doesn’t mean it doesn't take strength. It depends on the kind of routine you're doing. I usually take on morning yoga ‘cause it’s a way to wake up the body and meditate and get ready for the day with good energy.”

“That’s impressive.” Louis regards Harry with interest. “I mean, you do all on your own and it must take a lot of discipline. That’s why it doesn’t work with me, I guess. I can’t stop and focus for shit.” He puts his hands inside his pockets and digs his bare feet into the grass.

“You were never the kind to sit still, right?” Harry looks at him with a soft smile, and Louis only shrugs back. 

It feels hard to decipher what Harry can mention about their past together because when it’s Louis who brings it up it feels completely normal, but when he does it, Louis either acts coldly or doesn’t react at all.

“But I’m not completely, I don’t know, independent with yoga,” he continues as if his comment hadn’t gone ignored. “I just do on my own those things I feel comfortable with. It took me a long time to memorize some of the positions, but it’s way easier when you have someone guiding you. Or did you think with one practice you’d get the hang of it? Knowing how impatient you’ve always been, I reckon that’s why you’ve given up on meditation.” Harry tries again, but this time with a hint of playfulness in his tone.

Louis rolls his eyes and looks away for a moment. Harry catches him biting down on his lip as if to contain a smile as he looks back. “I know how it works, or at least how it should work. In theory. With other people. It just never worked with me because yeah, I expect like, instant results with me, I don’t know… a way to solve things right away.” 

“Yeah, that’s never gonna work if you keep thinking like that,” Harry points out, raising a brow at him. “It takes time to get into that mindset and also finding the right guidance. You should at least try it again.”

At Harry’s suggestion, Louis lets out a laugh. “You’re really trying to persuade me to be into this hipster thing, huh?”

“I’m not! And it’s not a hipster thing, c’mon, Louis!” Harry laughs back and it feels weird, so weird to be doing that with Louis. This whole conversation is so much different from everything they’ve had so far. It gives Harry almost a feeling of freedom, as if now he can test the waters with Louis without feeling like he’s going to drown immediately. It also gives him an idea. It might be a bold one, but trying never hurts anyone. “I’m trying to help you. Maybe we could try together if you want.”

“Huh?” Louis’ face almost freezes as Harry speaks and he’s afraid he’s cocked up everything already. “Try what? Meditation? Yoga?”

“A bit of both, maybe?” Harry runs a hand through his short hair, pulling the bandana he had tied it with to let his locks loose.

“I can’t do this shit you’ve just done. No way.” Louis shakes his head, taking a step back.

“Not what I just did. There are different ways to do it. I can teach you something simple and fast. Like, 5 minutes tops, really. C’mon. What have you gotta lose to just try with me?” He twists his bandana in his hands nervously, then wraps it around one of his wrists to avoid looking directly at Louis as he waits for him to answer.

It’s a rich question, but Harry hopes Louis doesn’t take offence in it or takes it in the wrong way. He seems to consider it, looking away from Harry to the mat still on the ground, to their surroundings, looking up to the sky and then back at him.

“Alright, fine.”

Harry shoots his eyebrows up in surprise. “Really?”

“Yeah, what the hell. If I don’t do it, you’ll keep bugging me the rest of the weekend about it, won’t ya? So yeah, let’s get this over with.” Louis lets out a big exhale, looking at Harry expectantly.

It's hard to contain the smile growing on his face when he sees Louis’ reluctance melting away. “Okay! Great then, so… yeah, let’s get started.”

Harry gestures for Louis to take a seat beside him as he plops down onto the mat again. Louis does so carefully, making sure to leave a big gap between the two of them, following Harry by sitting with his legs crossed. Harry waits to see him fidgeting and getting comfortable in his position as he thinks about what kind of simple practice he can guide Louis through.

“Ready?” He asks.

Louis nods. “Yeah.”

"Okay, so to start, you have to remember that this is not just about feeling calm. It's about connecting with your own body and being aware of how you move and ground yourself, so you have to make sure you're sitting nice and tall and not collapsing on your spine."

Louis nods again and then adjusts his posture a little, lifting up his chest.

"Yeah, good. But also, you don't want any tension, so you can roll the shoulders down, away from your ears and relax them, but keep your posture."

Harry does the movement and Louis glances at him to copy.

"So, listen to your body and do what feels more comfortable. You can let your hands come to your knees, with your palms facing up or down, or on top of your thighs, or even resting on your lap.”

Harry guides his hands to his knees and Louis takes a second to decide what to do before he lets his palms rest on his thighs.

"Good, so... now it's the time for you to just let your mind wander. Keeping it open and feeling present. If you want you can close your eyes and I'll guide you through it, yeah?"

Louis glances at Harry and nods. His eyelids flutter closed and Harry almost loses his breath to see Louis' profile – his long eyelashes touching the skin of his cheekbones, the slope of his nose making the perfect curve and the way his lips rest slightly open.

Harry takes a deep breath remembering to focus on what to do next.

"Okay, we can start noticing our breath. Start taking a couple of breaths in and out evenly and calmly." Harry pauses for a couple of seconds to breath along with Louis and then continues. "Now you can start deepening it, breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth."

He turns again to look at Louis, paying attention to how his chest rises with his inhales and how his lips part as he exhales. "One more time and with your next exhale, you can drop your chin towards your chest and slowly lift your nose towards the sky, syncing it up with your breath." He does it with his eyes open to see Louis following his instructions.

"Now, move your head to the left and breath in. And back to centre, breath out. One more time with the other side and back to centre again, nice and easy. Now, we can take the hands to the belly, to connect with the breaths. Let's breathe downwards to the hands, in a full and conscious flow, filling in the belly and emptying it out, letting the hands follow along with the movement."

Harry watches as Louis moves his hands and breathes a couple of times. "One more time, with a big breath in and out. Let's get the hands to the knees gently. Keep breathing softly and as you do it, soften the skin on your face, unclench your jaw, relax everything again."

Louis' mouth moves as he licks his lips. His eyes flutter but he keeps them shut and then his expression softens again.

"Let's bring the palms together now to the centre of the chest." Harry does the motion himself and closes his eyes after seeing Louis do the same. He then centres himself and mindfully pays attention to the sound of his own breath before continuing. "Let's bow our heads to our hearts and set an intention to this day, to this weekend for a minute. Keep breathing deeply and internalizing what you want and how you want to feel."

Harry already knows what he wants but it's never enough to repeat it, especially with Louis sitting next to him. There's no harm in wanting to emphasise how much he wants to get along with Louis for the rest of their time together, or even in hoping that they won't lose touch after the weekend is over (but that might be pushing his luck a tad too much).

He takes a long inhale to settle himself and focus on getting back to Louis.

"Alright, we're almost done. Let's just take another deep breath in together." Harry opens his eyes and observes as Louis inhales, his head tilting up just a little. "And a big breath out through the mouth." And then Louis lets everything go, also relaxing his shoulders. "With that, you can bow your head down and open your eyes."

Harry tucks his chin a bit further into his chest and he’s not disappointed to see Louis also doing the gesture.

“So how did it feel?” He turns to face Louis, watching him opening his eyes and slowly looking back at him.

“‘Was nice,” Louis answers, nodding slightly and letting out a long breath.

“Innit? It’s so simple and doesn't take lots of effort. What I’ve learned is that everything mostly comes down to the breath. Once you get in sync with it and let everything else go, it starts to help you to be more grounded and present and then we can use it in other aspects of our lives, not only into this kind of meditation or any other practice.”

Louis is regarding Harry with a neutral expression and Harry can’t really tell if it’s because the practice has really calmed him down or if it’s anything else.

“That’s… right, yeah. Sometimes it's just hard for me to remember these things and even apply to myself. I reckon it’s really hypocritical on my part to ignore these therapeutic methods, but... I’ve given up trying to get something out of it for me.” He shrugs timidly, not minding to give any further explanation on that. And again, this is one of those things Harry doesn’t feel like he has any right in prying and demanding Louis to explain. “But as you said, and as I already know, it takes time and practice, so maybe, who knows,” he continues as he looks at the lake.

“Did I manage to make you change your mind, is that what you’re saying?” Harry instigates in a laid back way, almost joking, amused when Louis looks back at him sceptically.

“Oh, you wish,” he snorts. “All I’m saying is maybe never say never. This was nice and all, but don’t get too cocky, Styles.” He then starts moving to stand up and Harry follows him.

It makes something tingle inside Harry to hear Louis say his name like that. It takes him back to all those times Louis would tease him. This barely feels like the banter they used to have, but it is something, considering how Louis has been treating him so far.

“Not getting cocky, maybe hopeful that you’ll give it a try again. Who knows, tomorrow you may even join me for my full practice.” Harry waits for Louis to step out of the mat to crouch down and start rolling it up. But before he starts, he looks up at Louis as he hears blissful laughter escaping his mouth.

“You’re deluded.”

“I’m serious, though.” Harry stares at him, full of intent. It might be wishful thinking, but he hopes that with the invitation it shows that he's open to spending more time together around Louis, hoping that Louis is okay with it.

It takes a moment for Harry to notice that maybe that’s where Louis has drawn the line and that he’s crossed some kind of boundary with him, though. Just when Louis had loosened up and let his guards down in front of Harry, now his face is closing off again. He looks away from Harry quickly and crosses his arms over his chest.

“Right,” he says icily.

“Hm, I meant it, Lou–”

Louis doesn’t let Harry explain himself, quickly to cut him off. “Yeah, no thanks, but I think I’ll pass that.”

And just like that, Harry’s back to square one. Back to that moment when he had just found Louis smoking at the deck earlier.

He swallows and inhales sharply. “That’s… yeah, fine. No problem, I understand.” Harry tears his eyes away from Louis, feeling hurt for the brusque change in his behaviour and gets his attention back to his mat.

“Right. I’ll... get back inside, then.” He hears Louis say but doesn’t look back, only aware of the sound of Louis’ steps moving on the grass as he takes the longest time to roll up his mat again.

Harry tries to collect himself and not let that infuriate him, but it feels like Louis is testing all his patience by playing this hot and cold game. That’s one thing Harry has always had a hard time to deal with when it came to Louis. It seems like it hasn’t changed.

It doesn’t matter, though. Harry’s intentions won’t change just because of Louis’ mood swings. He’ll focus on what is within his reach and if Louis cooperates, then good. If not, he’ll just have to let him be and remember that this weekend is not only about Louis. It’s about his other friends as well. Of course, maintaining a good relationship with Louis can help, but Harry has to also give his attention to Niall and Liam, and soon Zayn too.

And that’s what he sets his mind to work on as he looks around himself, taking the propriety in once again. He’s not quite sure how much time he’s spent outside with Louis, but it’s definitely way past time for him to get started on preparing breakfast for them. Looking up at the sky and seeing the sun rising hotter and higher, he starts heading back to the house, noticing that Louis has already gotten inside.

When he enters through the French doors, he finds Louis sitting on the couch in the living room looking at his phone. He doesn’t even pay any mind to Harry walking in, so Harry goes straight to the kitchen. He sets his yoga mat down by the kitchen counter and washes his hands in the sink. He then notices a dirty mug inside it and looks at the kettle on his side to see that it’s filled with water.

“Have you had tea already?” He asks out loud, hoping Louis will hear him.

“Er, yeah. But that was when I came downstairs. I found the box of Yorkshire and prepared some for me, sorry.” 

“That’s okay, it’s for everybody to use anyway. I’m just asking...” Harry finally turns around to see Louis already looking back at him, “‘cause I was gonna make some for me and wondered if you’d like another cuppa.”

He tries, carefully, since he’s not sure what Louis’ reaction will be. Louis’ expression now is back to a neutral one as he answers. “Yeah, sure,” and then he turns back to the living room.

“Okay…” Harry says to himself and fetches the box of Yorkshire tea from the cabinet and turns on the kettle to boil the water again. He washes Louis’ used mug and pulls one from the mug hook for himself as he waits.

He then starts looking around the kitchen and inside the fridge for what to prepare for the others.

“I was thinking about making pancakes for breakfast, how about that?” He asks again, already turning to face Louis.

“Fine by me,” Louis replies just as the kettle whistles with the boiled water, making him get up from the couch and head to the kitchen space.

Harry watches his approach as he dries the mug, only to pour the hot water inside. He hands Louis the mug, indicating him the tea box on the counter. Louis accepts it and fetches a teabag for him to fix his drink.

“Would you like to help me make them?” Harry asks nonchalantly as he starts preparing his own tea.

When Louis doesn’t reply right away, Harry looks back at him to see Louis staring at him with his brows furrowed. “What?” 

“You want me? To help you make pancakes?” Louis asks with a closed face.

“Yeah, is there any problem with that? Or did you already change your mind about the pancakes?” Harry questions, genuinely confused as to why Louis is so sceptical about that.

“I’m really curious if you’re just playing dumb now or if you really just forgot I’m shit at cooking.”

Harry’s so taken aback by Louis that he almost drops his mug on the floor. He places it back on the counter and takes his attention to Louis. “Hm, no. I mean, I don’t know. I know you never really cooked before, but maybe, I just thought–”

Louis sounds stern when he speaks over Harry. “Well, that’s the problem, Harry. You don’t know and you’re just assuming things left and right. So let me clear things up for you: no, I still don’t know how to cook. Last time I tried to make pancakes I almost burned my flat down and they looked and tasted like shit. So, yeah, that hasn’t changed.”

The fact that Louis seems angry at Harry for not knowing that fact, or actually, for thinking Louis would have changed in all those years really irks him.

“I wouldn’t know. How would I? It’s not like I got a chance to know the person you’ve become in the past five years, Louis.” He lets out, trying to stay calm though, but he knows he’s hit a nerve when Louis rolls his eyes in annoyance.

“So don’t pretend you’re trying to know me now.” Louis shakes his head. 

“I’m not pretending. I’m genuinely trying, Louis. I want to try it if you’ll let me. But you just keep...” Harry lets out a long and shaky breath. “I don’t know how to act around you. It’s like I’m walking around eggshells with you. One step I take right feels like I’ll take twenty false ones. I’m not trying to… ignore us. I mean, ignore what happened and the fact that we don’t know each other anymore. I’m just trying to get through this weekend hoping that we’ll get along just fine for the sake of having a good time together after so long. If you’re not fine with that, please let me know and I’ll get off your back and leave you alone. Otherwise, you can let me help you in my own way. You can help me prepare some pancakes or do anything else. But please, don’t be friendly to me one moment and then shut me down completely at the other, that's all I’m asking.”

He says at once, watching as Louis listens to it all stunned.

They stay in silence, only looking at each other until Louis breathes in and looks down at the mug he’s holding before speaking again.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t– I’m trying too. I just don’t really know how to. I didn’t mean to be rude or anything.” He takes a sip of his tea, looking at Harry through the rim of his mug. “I just want to get through this weekend as well. And it’s just– I was caught off guard with you and everything. But I’m trying, really. I want to try, for my sake and for the other lads. So, I’m sorry.”

It’s the first time since they’ve spoken that Harry can sense Louis being earnest with him. He breathes out relieved, also taking his mug back and drinks from it to calm himself.

“I’m sorry if I overstepped,” he says after gulping down his tea.

“You didn’t, really. I was just… being my usual cranky self. That hasn’t changed either,” Louis offers in a more collected way. “I’m sorry, truly, for being an arsehole. Not only today but… this whole week.”

Harry wants to mention the past five years as well, but he doesn’t want to start a bigger argument, so he lets it go.

“It’s… in the past. If we can put it all in the past, then it’s all fine by me,” Harry suggests, sending Louis a soft smile.

“Yeah, for me too.” Louis nods, sipping his tea again.

Harry inhales the smell of his tea before drinking some more, acknowledging Louis’ truce and letting them enjoy the rest of their drinks in silence.

When Harry’s done with his, he puts his mug inside the sink. “So… no pancakes?” He attempts again, this time trusting Louis not to lash out at him.

“If you really want burned pancakes, then that’s on you. I’d rather just watch it from afar if that’s alright. I’ll let you do your thing. I can help with anything else that doesn’t involve actual cooking,” he replies and Harry feels relieved that he knows this is Louis being truthful and actually trying.

“That works for me,” he concedes as Louis walks by his side to place his mug inside the sink as well and gives him a shy and small smile.

They settle to get breakfast ready then, as Harry prepares the food and Louis mostly watches or helps him, handing him some ingredient Harry asks for or setting the table. They work in companion silence, not needing to fill it out with small talk after. It feels like they’ve reached an understanding and as long as they keep going like that, it’s easier for Harry not to overthink about everything.

It’s after Harry’s already finished cooking and is putting the food on the table where Louis has already been sat for a few minutes, that he hears a commotion coming from upstairs. 

“Perfect timing, Styles,” Louis comments, serving himself as Harry sits down on a chair in front of him, waiting for Louis to finish getting his food. 

“A good cook always knows when his clientele is ready to be served,” Harry jokes lightly and that earns him a soft chuckle from Louis that makes him look back, smiling. Louis shakes his head, pouring orange juice into his glass.

Just when both of them already have their plates with pancakes and toppings (along with some fruit for Harry and Louis opting to go with the eggs and sausages Harry also prepared) and are ready to start eating, Niall appears coming down from the stairs, walking through the living room towards the dining table.

Harry observes as Niall seems distracted in his walk until the moment he notices the two of them sitting at the table. Niall slows down his pace and stops a few feet away from them.

“Am I still sleeping and this is some kind of weird dream where the two of you are having breakfast together or what?” He asks with his brows furrowed as he looks from Harry to Louis, stopping his stare at Louis as if asking him a private and silent question.

“Last time I checked, I’ve been awake since six am, so… as far as I know, I’m well awake, Horan. This is not a dream.” Louis shrugs, cutting a piece of his pancake and taking a bite.

“The food is very much real too, Niall. You can sit down and try it with us if you want to make sure you’re not sleeping,” Harry offers, extending his arm to show the other available chairs around the table. He takes a quick look at Louis to see him winking at him and for a second it completely throws Harry off, but he feels satisfied to have followed Louis in answering Niall just as nonchalantly, with that hint of banter between them.

“This is weird,” Niall says, sceptically, pointing between Harry and Louis as he takes a seat beside Louis.

“What is, Neil?” Louis turns to face Niall as the Irish lad is still watching them both cautiously while fetching a plate for himself.

“Well, this? You being completely normal, just the two of you? I mean, not that it shouldn’t be, but did you two… talk?” He gulps down and sets his plate on the table with a couple of pancakes.

Harry exchanges a glance with Louis, not sure what to say. They talked, sure, but not really, not about what they should’ve talked about. And he’s not sure he wants to explain the extent of his interaction with Louis to Niall. It’s not that he thinks Niall doesn’t deserve to know they are somewhat on good terms, but he doesn’t want to bring his and Louis’ business up, which could taint their time with their friends.

Louis only nods at him and without saying a word, Harry knows he means it in a way that says “I’ve got this”. It makes a shiver come down Harry’s spine to think he still can have a silent exchange with Louis and understand what he wants to do.

“‘Course, Niall. Who do you think I am?” Louis answers, patting Niall on his back quickly. “I’m not a complete arse. We’re here to have a nice time. We chatted, I watched Harold do some yoga, he helped me do some stuff, and I helped him with breakfast, that’s all.”

Niall’s concerned expression slowly melts down, but for a moment, his eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Wait, what? You did yoga with Harry?”

Harry can’t help but let out a giggle. “Oh, you bet I tried to get him to do it.”

“What the fuck, Horan. No! How did you get that from what I said?” Louis says at the same time and Niall snaps his neck between Harry and Louis again, giving them a pointed look.

“You said Harry helped you after you said you watched him do yoga. What’s the truth, Tommo?”

“That doesn’t mean he helped me with yoga. No!” Louis leans back on his chair, shaking both his hands in front of him.

“Well, I said it was a mix of yoga and meditation if we’re being honest here.” Harry takes a gulp from his juice, taking a little bit of pleasure in seeing Louis’ embarrassment for a moment.

“So you did do yoga, ha!” Niall fishes a sausage from the plate in front of him and stuffs it inside his mouth.

Louis crosses his arm over his chest and stares at Harry with a cocked eyebrow. “You can’t prove it. It’s my word against yours.”

“It’s Harry’s words against yours, mate.” Niall’s the one to pat Louis on the back now. “If he says he tried to get you to do it and you say he helped you..."

“That proves nothing. I never said it was yoga. There’s no actual proof of me sitting down on Harry’s mat and doing anything.”

“Why are you getting so worked up, Tommo? If you indeed didn’t do yoga, there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Or even if you did.”

Harry watches Niall riling Louis up as he eats his breakfast with a smug smile on his face. Louis’ face is completely red from embarrassment and he keeps looking at Harry as if he wants to murder him, but not in an actual intimidating way.

“Which I didn’t,” Louis still argues as he resumes eating.

Niall cackles and briefly looks to the entrance of the living room before he turns his attention to Harry. “Fine, you didn’t. Right, Harry? He didn’t,” he winks, “so, there’s no problem telling Payno what you didn’t do earlier this morning with Harry.”

Harry turns to check what Niall had looked at when he spots Liam standing in the living room with his eyes alarmed. “What did Louis do with Harry?!” He asks, confused.

“Allegedly, yoga,” Niall replies with a mouthful of pancakes.

“Yoga, indeed,” Harry says confidently.

“Nothing, for fuck’s sake!” Louis retorts at the same time, irritated, but still eating his breakfast.

Liam laughs slightly. “Alright, it looks like today’s already started interesting enough.” He starts moving again, coming closer to the dining table. “Louis versus yoga. Who should we believe in?”

“Fuck off, Payno.” Louis gives him the v gesture, which makes Liam laugh harder this time.

“No, really, what’s the story then?”

“Take a seat, mate. We’re still trying to figure out,” Niall tells him as Liam walks around the table, choosing to sit beside Harry.

Louis puffs out, rolling his eyes and at the same time, Harry feels something briefly touching his shin under the table. He knows for sure it can only be Louis. He shoots a confused look at him, because that's not what he was expecting Louis to do, not now and not really... ever again.

That used to happen whenever they were among their friends and Louis wanted to call Harry’s attention privately if they were sitting opposite to each other, usually hooking his ankle around Harry’s leg. If they were sitting side by side, Louis would choose to press his thumb on Harry’s thigh lightly. 

The gestures were something so subtle, but it had always been something theirs, almost intimate. To have Louis doing that to him now, it feels completely out of place. It throws Harry back to something that he hadn’t had in so long. It also contradicts Louis’ behaviour towards him, not only now but in the past five years, as if that is completely normal. Maybe it’s just muscle memory, Harry tries to reason with himself so he doesn’t spiral into trying to decipher Louis’ intentions.

Although Harry’s having an internal crisis over Louis’ actions, the man himself doesn’t seem affected by that. He stares back at Harry and cocks his head to the side.

“You better watch out, Styles,” he mouths at Harry, barely in a whisper that he’s sure neither Liam nor Niall can hear.

Louis is not really threatening Harry since there’s a lingering smile on his lips as he quickly averts contact with Harry to pay attention to Niall telling Liam what happened.

Harry gives Louis a small shrug and shakes his head as he chuckles slightly, returning his attention to his breakfast and trying to shake off any more confusing thoughts while he listens to what Niall is telling Liam as they continue their meal.

They still pester Louis, who is taking it all as a joke now, but they mostly keep the conversation going as they eat, talking about what they are excited to do that Saturday and on Sunday, getting to the point of why they actually came to the bungalow.

“So, when are we going to check the letters?” Niall asks, nursing his juice before drinking it.

“Too eager to know what we wrote in those letters, Horan?” Louis retorts, raising his brows at Niall.

“Of course! Otherwise, I wouldn’t have set a fucking reminder for ten years later, duh.” Niall rolls his eyes.

Liam laughs. “I still can’t understand how that still worked, but if that’s really a big deal, I’d say we open them today, then? Maybe tonight?”

Harry looks from Liam to Niall, noticing their excitement about it, but when he locks eyes with Louis, he senses an uncertainty in his expression. He would be lying if he didn’t admit that he’s also a bit apprehensive about the letters.

It’s not that he’s not excited about them. It’s just that he can’t quite remember what he wrote although he’s pretty sure it might be 90% about Louis and what that weekend meant for them. He doesn’t want to assume anything, but he’s afraid that Louis’ letter might have something similar to his and considering their situation now, it probably won’t bode well when they read it out loud.

Neither of them, fresh out of school at eighteen imagined that ten years later they’d be in this limbo where talking about the past is too much and ignoring it and pretending nothing happened is easier. Back then, Harry only pictured a future where Louis would be in it. Now, he’s certain his own words will come back to haunt him.

“Why don’t we leave it for tomorrow?” He suggests, cleaning his throat. He sends Louis a discreet glance, seeing Louis’ face ease a little.

“I agree,” Louis chimes in. “C’mon lads, do you wanna whine about the past the whole weekend or enjoy and make the best out of this place? Besides, Malik is not even here yet to have a say. I’d leave it for tomorrow before we go home.”

Harry breathes out relieved, glad that Louis is being more sensible too.

Liam and Niall exchange a look but seem to consider the suggestion. 

“Sounds fair,” Niall concurs, “it'll be bittersweet to leave with some nostalgia after the whole weekend.”

Louis sighs. “Now you’re already whining, Neil. Isn’t this whole thing supposed to be fun? Let’s think about fun things to do first, please!”

Before anyone can come up with anything to say, a cacophony of notification sounds make all four of them search for their phones.

“That must be Zayn,” Liam points out as he already has his phone in hand. “He’s bringing the fun with him, it appears.”

“I think we have different views on what fun means to Zayn,” Harry comments as he unlocks his phone to open the notification from their group chat and check the messages Zayn had sent.

**Z Malik @ its fucking time**

_I got out of bed at 6 am after barely 2 hours of sleep and I’m running on only a Costa espresso and a scone so you guys better have a fucking full English breakfast waiting for me in 5 minutes. Or a bottle of beer so I can cure my hangover with more booze_

_If I don’t get lost in this driveway that’s it. I guess I’m on the right track tho just stopped to ask someone on the road if they knew the place so I hope nobody’s following me to murder all of us. Anyway see you all on the other side soon lads_

“He must’ve had a hell of a night,” Louis laughs as he places his phone back on the table.

“That’s how you start the day. Malik is doing it right!” Niall chirps.

“Waking up in a bad mood?” Liam asks back, furrowing his brows.

“Curing a hangover with more beer!” He answers as he stands up, going to the kitchen space and fussing inside the cooler he had brought to get some bottles of beer.

Harry shakes his head. “I’m not even gonna ask.”

“Don’t. Horan has weird ways to do things, I’ve suffered through some of them,” Louis replies. “Let’s just hope Malik only gets here in one piece and that Niall doesn’t scare him away.”

Liam nods, letting out a chuckle. “Yeah.”

Harry doesn’t want to ask what they are referring to, probably some inside joke or situation they lived that Harry obviously missed.

Sometimes he forgets that he’s missed out on so much in the past five years, but others it hits him that he is the odd one out in the group and that saddens him. He tries not to let that affect his mood, and it doesn’t really because so far he’s felt included and part of their circle again. He’s sure the rest of the day will go smoothly, just like last night did.

Now with Zayn arriving, maybe he won’t feel like he’s sticking out like a sore thumb so much since Zayn’s also been mostly away in the past few years. It’ll be nice to have someone along who will understand him when Louis, Liam and Niall share something that they weren’t part of. He doesn’t want to focus on that, though. If he keeps dwelling on the bad aspects of this weekend – his and Louis’ weird understanding, the content of the letters and not fitting in – he’ll start getting anxious the same way he was before coming to the bungalow. 

Unironically, Louis’ right. This is supposed to be fun and he has to start thinking about fun things to do and to keep them entertained the whole day. 

So that’s what he puts his mind to once Zayn’s at the house, more composed than he seemed through the texts, deciding to have breakfast instead of the beers – which makes Niall upset but easily coerced to let the beers for later since they decide to go outside play some footie to enjoy the sunny and warm morning weather after everybody’s done with their breakfast. That certainly lifts everybody’s spirits up and it settles Harry’s worries when he sees how excited they all are to be there together. 

Watching his friends discuss animatedly as they walk out of the house about how they’ll make the match work gives Harry a sense that it’s going to be a good day.

*

The sun is starting to set when they finish playing scrabble. Harry’s not even surprised to have won three out of the five matches they played, only losing one for Zayn and another for Louis. The other’s annoyance – especially Niall’s who gave up trying to beat any of them – with his smugness paid off and it feels good to banter with them like old times, knowing how competitive they all are.

It is even more reinvigorating to play against Louis. Back then, Louis would never take any shit from Harry and would always try to cheat somehow, and Harry would never let him off easily. Now, as much as Harry’s been trying to control how he reacts to Louis and not to let old habits fall into place so effortless, he can't help but find himself playing in the same competitive way they always did.

Louis is a little shit and Harry can be an even bigger one when he wants, and so the game quickly becomes heated with the other boys picking sides and vouching for who's right or wrong, who’s using a real word or making up one for kicks. It doesn’t feel so off to play like that. In reality, it feels so much like the rest of the day has been, as if being close to Louis only makes Harry forget they haven’t been out of each other’s life for five years. 

Even with Louis’ hot and cold behaviour, he can’t ignore the pull Louis has on him. 

A pull that might or might not have been intentionally set by Niall when they start playing footie after breakfast. All too randomly, he and Louis are sorted into playing together against Liam and Zayn while Niall places himself as the goalie. Harry can’t even complain that he might not want to play with Louis because there’s no real reason why he shouldn’t and doing so would be just weird. Louis doesn’t protest either, although Harry’s pretty sure Louis would rather play with someone more coordinated than him. 

That’s not something that ever bothered Louis before whenever they had a match with their friends. Louis would always be attentive, encouraging Harry to make a right pass to him. He would tease him a little, of course, but always with that hint of tenderness and lots of cuddles afterwards to make up for Harry feeling like a loser for not being as good at football as Louis was.

Today, though, there definitely won’t be cuddles afterwards and Louis has every right to shout at Harry for letting Liam or Zayn take the ball from him (which happened more times than Harry would like to admit), but even then, Louis doesn’t. He’s being a real gent and good sport and pats Harry on the back whenever he makes a right pass. The tenderness is barely there, as well as the small smiles and soft glances. Harry could blame those as a distraction for not playing so well, but only to himself.

When they change teams and positions and start playing against each other, watching Louis is a whole different distraction. Harry has to pay more attention to him so he gets the ball and scores first against him. It’s distracting because the sight of Louis makes him aware of the way he gracefully moves his body conducting the ball. It makes him stop and watch how Louis swears at Liam for missing a shot, discuss with Zayn about some play they could do, or argue with Niall for pushing him too hard. Or for even getting mesmerized by how Louis stops to catch his breath or drink some water, letting the sun wash over him, over his already glistening sweaty skin and his bare torso once he took off his tank top, revealing the tattoos over his chest that Harry hadn’t caught earlier.

If watching Louis like that has already been tough enough, he’s not ready for what’s going to hit him when they decide to jump into the lake to relax and cool off after they are all tired from the several matches they played. 

Harry’s totally on board with taking a swim since he’s hot and sweating all over and the lake’s so inviting, but the moment Niall suggests that they relived what their eighteen-year-old selves had done at that time, Harry’s body goes cold. The image comes back like a war flashback to him: all five of them stripping down their clothes and running towards the lake to jump inside it completely naked.

Back then, it had been a carefree moment. Just a bunch of teenagers being reckless and having fun, celebrating the freedom of being out of school. It had been stupid, but so liberating and Harry remembered how happy he had been at that moment, how much they all had laughed together playing around in the lake. Being naked had been the least of their worries. They had done it because it sounded fun. 

Now though, thinking about being naked in front of the others, especially Louis – and seeing Louis naked in front of him again – brings back things Harry has long ago locked away at the back of his mind. He’s sure he can deal with all those things coming back to him along with the image of a naked Louis. He feels his brain almost shortcutting as Zayn agrees to Niall’s idea that he can’t even emit a sound of protest. Luckily, he’s saved by Louis and his argument that “nobody here wants to see your hairy arse, Horan, please”. 

That only prompts Niall to flash his bum at them instead. He complains that Louis is a grumpy old man with no young spirit but accepts that it’s better not to go swimming in their birthday suits once Liam shows his concern about getting bitten on the ass by something inside the lake.

With relief, Harry hopes that nobody has noticed his small moment of panic, and finally joins the other boys inside (with their clothes, or at least the shorts, on. Thank God). Still, the memories of him and Louis swim along inside Harry’s mind, mixing themselves with the image of Louis floating inside the water right in front of him, joking around, diving in and out, splashing water at the others and laughing away. Again, that view of Louis in all his glory and beauty under the summer sky with his wet hair matted across his forehead, the blue in his eyes getting a dash of green with the way it reflected the water, and the way his sun-kissed skin seemed to shine like gold is just too mesmerizing for Harry not to catch himself paying too much attention to his ex-fiance.

He shouldn’t, he knows it, but he can’t help himself. Everything about Louis feels like a mystery he wants to unfold and relearn and understand. Louis’ behaviour has been contradicting since earlier and Harry isn’t sure on what to focus – on how different Louis has become, finally accepting that Louis has grown into someone he doesn’t know, or on the fact that Louis still looks exactly like he remembers. Both versions of Louis entices and scares Harry because he can’t, shouldn’t feel this pull towards him again.

Trying to push those thoughts away, Harry tries to engage more with the other boys. Not that he hasn’t before, but this time he makes sure to ignore any of Louis’ shenanigans, even when Louis still tries to engage with him here and there. He’s not being rude, would never be, but he does his best to show that he’s playing it cool and as indifferent as he can. Which seems to work, because Louis also lets Harry be whenever he’s with the other boys without questioning anything.

Harry’s glad for that because it allows him to keep going with more ease, leaving the lake well after one p.m to get started on lunch while everyone else decides to either take a shower or change into clean clothes. That gives Harry time to empty his mind as he prepares some hamburgers from scratch for a barbecue. When they are all nice and clean, they join Harry on the deck outside to help him.

Lunch then goes smoothly, with easy conversation as they catch up with Zayn’s whereabouts and tour stories, more stories from Niall and the golf agency, Liam sharing some of his personal drawing projects he’s trying to launch, and Louis updating them on his younger siblings and his dog Clifford, who Harry immediately falls in love with when he sees the pictures Louis shows him. In return, Harry shows pictures of Felix and tells them about his trips with Gemma and some not so interesting cases he’s had over the last couple of years working in London again.

When they finish eating, they go back inside the house, talking about music and Niall’s infamous playlist. Harry even pulls the old guitar Robin keeps there and somehow they end up playing some tunes in turns, following some songs from the playlist or anything that comes to mind.

Harry has never felt so light and happy to be among his friends again and enjoying himself that much. 

With so much going on, it’s easier to keep thoughts of Louis at bay. Still, as much as he’s tried, Louis’ presence is always there. Be it sitting across from Harry, calling Harry’s name to ask something, or even just catching Louis casually staring at him and not even hiding it when he noticed Harry’s looking back, so different from the previous night.

It’s so hard because everything makes Harry stay attuned to how much he still feels, and at the same time aware that he shouldn’t be feeling like this at all. It’s not like he wants to feel anything, but it’s so difficult when he has Louis so open in front of him, something that he hasn’t had in years and even before they had broken up.

Seeing Louis so carefree and cheerful brings back so many memories. It brings back feelings of why he fell in love with Louis in the first place.

The new boy in town who had shown up at school and had gotten everybody’s attention. Louis was literally the sun to Harry, he couldn’t take his attention from him for how bright and loud he was, gravitating more and more towards him as they got closer as friends. That brightness only shone stronger as the deeper feelings rose and were reciprocated, and along with everything they went through during their uni years and life. His light never went off for five years until things went sideways between them. 

Harry knows Louis is different now from whom he was when they met and even from when they broke up, but still, all Harry can see is the man he once loved and wanted to build his life with. And along with that same man, all the new nuances of Louis is what keeps catching Harry’s attention. 

This mix of old and new became Harry’s personal hell that afternoon, but despite everything that’s happened, he thinks he’s done a pretty good job of hiding this whirlwind of feelings and finally getting a grip. 

As they move from their jamming session to playing board games, Harry has managed to calm himself down and focus on the challenge of winning the game in front of him. That way, it’s easier to distract himself and hope that Louis hasn’t picked on his feelings, or even noticed what’s up with him.

Unless it has to do with Harry beating him on scrabble.

“You haven’t changed a thing, Styles,” Louis complains as he gets up from his spot on the floor on the other side of the coffee table.

Harry snorts, collecting the scrabble board and the pieces to put them away. “You mean, I still know how to beat everyone’s arses?” 

“No, you’re still a sneaky cheater!” Louis rolls his eyes.

“I won fair and square, Louis, c’mon! The others agreed, right guys?” He looks around, hoping the rest of the boys will back him up.

“I was out of the game, I didn’t agree to anything! But if I were, I’d say ‘vibey’ is definitely not a word.” Niall’s the first to protest from where he’s sat on the couch.

“Liam used ‘twerk’ and nobody complained. I see nothing wrong with Hazza’s ‘vibey’,” Zayn retorts, shrugging as he also stands up.

“It doesn't matter that it's so 2013, people still do use it! When have you ever said ‘vibey’ in your life, Harold?” Louis looks back down at Harry with a brow arched.

Harry inhales deeply wanting to say something but has half a mind to refrain himself. He knows Louis is only joking, so he doesn’t intend to bring back their argument from earlier in the morning.

“And when have you ever used the world ‘yowza’?” He bites back instead, sending Louis a pointed look.

It feels like they have a stare-off contest for a minute and Harry can sense Louis breaking his serious façade as his lips start to twitch. Harry almost breaks into laughter too before Liam chimes in from his side.

“I’ve heard it, that’s why I said he wasn’t wrong. C’mon, guys, we’re over this, right? It’s a game, it’s supposed to be fun. No need to get heated, again.” Liam tries to appease the mood in the room even though there isn’t any real tension.

Zayn’s laughter makes Liam look at him confused. “Mate, we’re clearly joking! If we were taking any of these seriously, I’m pretty sure Niall would’ve already come for our necks.”

“You’re all lucky I won the footie match!” Niall throws one of his fists up in celebration

“That’s also debatable, Nialler.” Louis walks closer to Niall to slap him on the head.

“Oi, Tommo! You want a rematch?” Niall’s wiggling his eyebrows at Louis, which makes all the others laugh along.

“Nah, my brain’s fried now, mate. The only rematch I could have from that would be if we went to the lake again. It’s so fucking hot right now.” Louis sits down on the arm of the couch, fanning himself with one hand and his tank top.

Harry tries not to stare for too long, so he focuses on putting the game inside the box and back on the shelf beside the fireplace, where all the other board games are.

“Oh, I’d be very much in!” Liam agrees excitedly, finally getting up just as Harry’s done placing the game away. “It’s still bright outside, but I bet it’s nicer than it was at freaking noon.”

“It definitely is,” Harry points out. “Usually at night it gets chillier than during the day outside, so if you guys want we can also use the hot tub,” he suggests, walking around the coffee table to stay between Liam and Zayn standing up and Niall and Louis on the couch.

“Uh, now that’s fancy!” Zayn whistles in wonder.

“That wasn’t here the last time we–” Louis starts but cuts himself, clearing his throat.

Harry knows what Louis is referring to. The last time they had been to the bungalow had been a month before Harry had gone to LA. Honestly, he had blocked that from his mind since it wasn't one of their prime and happy times. They had already been discussing a lot back then and so they had spent more time each on their own instead of enjoying one of the last weekends they had spent together.

“No, hm. Robin installed it a couple of years ago. He thought it was about time since nobody really swam in the lake anymore. But that’s because he never expected Niall to come back here.” He tries to release the unspoken tension by teasing Niall.

“Hey, you lot are the ones missing out on doing fun stuff every now and then. I’m just here to remind us we're all still young!” Niall argues back, playfully.

“You have two fucked up knees at the tender age of 27, Niall,” Liam points out.

“And does that prevent me from doing anything? Nope. Age is a social construction, c’mon! I’d say we all jump in the lake again, this time naked for real!”

“Niall, pleeease,” Louis whines. “Now you’ve completely thrown me off about the lake but I’m still hot!”

Harry almost chokes on thin air but he has the mind to keep it together to suggest something else.

“Why don’t we just use the hot tub then? I can set it to a cooler temperature and we can refresh ourselves there. Also, as it's getting late, there'll be more bugs outside than earlier. The hot tub house is completely isolated and safe.”

“I’m so glad Harry’s the voice of reason.” Zayn sighs, relieved.

“True, he has a point. I’m in for the hot tub.” Liam’s also on board.

“You’re all party poopers, but yeah okay, whatever. Let’s go, then.” Niall sticks his tongue out at them as he gets up from the couch and starts making his way outside to the deck to the adjacent space that houses the hot tub.

“Watch him forget about the lake the moment he enters the hot tub,” Louis says, following suit.

Liam and Zayn only laugh and follow after them. Harry tags along, making sure to get the key of the hot tub on the way.

The others wait for him to open the place and turn on the machine, then. Once it’s on, Harry takes off his shirt and gets inside first to test the water. “It’s all good,” he says, giving the a-okay for the others to get in too.

“Oh yes, this is heaven,” Niall exhales in a relaxed way as he settles inside the hot tub between Zayn and Louis.

“What did I say?” Louis pokes Liam, who's sitting on his other side, and Liam shrugs, laughing.

Harry laughs along as he lets the water start to work around himself.

“I’ve missed one of these. Every now and then I give myself the luxury to book a hotel with a hot tub, but it’s been ages since I’ve been to one. This is perfect, Hazza. The temperature is on point,” Zayn comments from beside Harry.

“I didn’t want to leave it too hot, but it’s also not so cold like it might be in the lake at least,” Harry informs, watching the bubbles form in front of him.

“Honestly, I don’t remember the last time I’ve been to one either. It was probably during one of the last trips I did with my ex,” Liam extends both his arms to rest on the edge of the tub, almost brushing his hand with Harry’s shoulder.

“Man, what the fuck happened with you two?” Zayn asks curiously. “Last time I saw your Instagram you had tons of photos with her and then they were all gone.”

Harry knows part of the story as Liam had told it on Friday night, but he hadn’t asked for too many details, so he listens to Liam as he recounts.

“Basically, we dated for three years and I was this close to proposing to her, you know. I really thought she was the one, but then I found out she was cheating on me with our old boss.” Liam’s face is neutral when he tells it, but his voice has that sad tone in it, which tells Harry that the wound hasn’t completely healed for him.

“Shit, mate, that’s awful.” Zayn shakes his head. “Sorry you had to go through this. But, hey... seriously now, what’s up with this group and engagements?” He says it in a joking tone, looking around and Harry almost wants to duck his head inside the water for the blatant question.

“Jesus, Malik!” Niall turns his head to Zayn with his eyes wide.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean...” He sends Harry an apologetic smile. Harry glances quickly at Louis. The cheerful expression he had before is gone now and he seems more interested in the water in front of him than to look at any of them. “But c’mon, we gotta admit it. Didn’t Niall also date a girl who thought he was going to propose to her every time they had dinner or something?”

Niall starts laughing this time.” Okay, fair enough. I had almost forgotten about Diana. That girl was… something else. She was a sweetheart, but really paranoid about this whole marriage thing. I don’t know why she thought I’d propose to her when we had barely been seeing each other for a month.”

“Imagine if you had dated her for longer? I’m pretty sure she’d actually convince you to marry her,” Liam points out, almost laughing, but soon after he lets out an “ouch” and Harry notices Louis probably has poked or done something to his side that makes Liam mouth a “sorry” at him. Harry’s intrigued by what prompted that, but he lets it go.

“I’m glad I got out of this one. If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have met Shawn,” Niall says with a smirk.

Harry blinks in confusion. “I’m sorry, what?”

“Oh, I might’ve forgotten to mention this to you, my bad.” Niall scratches the back of his neck. “About a year ago, I guess, right after I broke up with Diana, I met Shawn and, well… I’ve been exploring that.”

“Niall Horan, how’s this the first time I hear about it? How long have you’ve been into guys?” Harry can’t help but show his astonishment.

“Listen, I’m not one to label things. I think I knew it for a while, but never found someone who I really clicked with to try something. But with Shawn, it kinda did,” he explains, and Harry can almost see a blush rise on his cheeks.

“He’s a nice lad, I like him. I’ve already told you, Horan, you should go for it,” Louis finally speaks again and Harry looks at him puzzled.

“You’ve met him?”

“Oh, funny story. I ran into Louis while I was going out with Shawn, I think it was our third date and Louis was with Clingy Lu–” Niall suddenly stops himself and Harry turns his attention from him to Louis when everyone goes quiet.

“And I’m the one who says things I shouldn’t,” Zayn murmurs to himself, but Harry can still catch it.

“Hm, what?” He asks, genuinely curious to understand what that’s about. He has an inkling of why Niall didn’t continue telling the story.

He hears then Louis exhaling loudly and turns his attention back to him, to see him pinching the bridge of his nose.

“It was about a year ago. I was… seeing this bloke and we were having dinner and Niall happened to choose the same place to go with Shawn. It was a surprise for me to see him with a bloke. The fucker hadn’t even told me. After that, we’ve hung out a couple of times again even though Niall refuses to go serious with him.” 

The news about Niall’s sexuality is a shock, yes, but that’s not the part Harry’s hung on. He can’t pretend he doesn’t want to know more about this person Louis apparently dated but Louis doesn’t seem too excited to go into details about it, mainly because he keeps looking at anything but Harry when he speaks. 

“There’s too much to process here,” Harry says, trying to contain his curiosity, “but why did you call the person Louis was with ‘Clingy’?” He turns to Niall, trying to avoid any awkward exchange with Louis.

Niall’s biting the nub of his thumb and Harry sees him quickly share a nervous look with Louis, who only shrugs in response, which is Niall’s cue to turn to Harry.

“Well, his name’s Luther, but I call him that 'cause the bloke was jealous as fuck over Louis,” he lets out a small chuckle. “I mean, I thought I had seen jealous when it came to you, but he was a whole other level.’’

Harry doesn’t even have time to defend himself or to gauge Louis’ reaction to Niall talking about how Harry used to be when they dated because Liam chimes in.

“He was jealous of me!” He exclaims, almost offended. “I was still with my ex when I met him. It was the first time Louis was taking him to meet us and the guy told Louis I was too handsy with him for his likes.”

Harry’s too perplexed to take in what they are saying. He just looks from Liam to Niall and finally to Louis, who still looks unbothered by the discussion about his ex-boyfriend, if Harry can even call that person that. He can’t picture Louis seeing anyone like that.

As a matter of fact, he can’t picture Louis seeing or dating anyone. That’s another thing he’s tried to block his brain from ever thinking about. Apparently, it has happened and he can’t quite grasp how to feel about it.

“It wasn’t worse than what he said about me,” Niall’s voice brings Harry back to the conversation. “That one time I was out with Shawn and we bumped into Louis, the weirdo had the audacity to say I was pretending to date Shawn to make Louis jealous!”

Harry can’t help but snort it. “What?!”

“For what’s worth, I ended things with him the minute he said it. I was already about to anyway. I was so done with him, I don’t know why I put up with him for almost three months,” Louis says again, this time sounding annoyed to talk about whoever he was dating.

“I had told you he was bad news the first time it happened with that one bartender who had only been nice to you,” Niall shrugs, “but well, at least you didn’t let it drag like you did with Matt to the point that he actually proposed to you six months in!”

“Fucking Christ Horan!” Louis blurts out almost immediately.

Harry almost feels like the air has been knocked out of his lungs when he looks at Louis. This time, he doesn’t even try to hide the confusion on his face.

“See, there’s something about engagements and proposals with you guys,” Zayn speaks, breaking again the silence that has settled between them.

“Z, it's really not a good time,” Liam reprehends him.

“Fuck, I– I forgot, Tommo, sorry.” Niall ducks his head, one hand nervously running through his hair, wetting it from the tub water.

Harry can’t take his stare off of Louis, seeing how his jaw is tense and the way his eyes squint in annoyance.

“I can’t talk about this right now,” he manages to say, jumping out of the tub.

“Louis, c’mon, I’m sorry. It slipped out!” Niall apologizes again, getting to a stand to go after him.

“The one thing I asked from you...” Louis’ voice is already far away and Harry can’t hear what else he says when Niall finally approaches him outside.

“I should go talk to them.” Liam is next to leave the hot tub and Harry’s too paralysed to say anything. 

It feels like an eternity has passed, Harry not able to get those words out of his mind and the way Louis reacted.

Was he not supposed to know Louis has dated other people, had almost gotten engaged to one of them? 

Why, though? Why was Louis so pissed that Niall had said that? 

Was he so afraid Harry would break down in front of him when he’d find that out or what?

It doesn’t make any sense. Louis doesn’t owe Harry anything, of course. He can keep his life as much private as he likes since they aren't close anymore and he shouldn’t care about how Harry would react to it.

He can’t lie, though, that it somewhat hurts a little to know that Louis has been involved with others while Harry has struggled to make even the smallest emotional connection with anyone he’s seen over the last four years. But that doesn’t mean he’s gonna do or say anything about Louis’ dating life. He doesn’t have any right to. So why is Louis making a big deal out of it?

“I feel like this is my fault,” Zayn finally speaks, making Harry snap out of his stupor. 

“It’s not,” he clears his throat, looking at Zayn. “If we’re being honest, it might be mine.”

“C’mon, Hazza. Don’t think–”

“But it is, Zayn,” Harry cuts him off, “I’m the one who’s not part of their lives, of Louis’ life anymore because of what happened between us. And exactly because of that he feels like he has to hide things from me and… I mean, I can’t do anything about it. He’s lived his life and I’ve lived mine. It’s not my place to feel anything about it if that’s what he’s worried about. I’m just acting as someone who hasn’t caught up with their friends in years, which is, in fact, the truth! And he… fuck.” Harry lets out and he doesn’t even know if he’s being coherent or not. He closes his eyes, trying to collect his thoughts but feeling defeated, not really knowing what to do next.

He feels the water move around him and soon Zayn’s hand is resting on his shoulder. He looks up to see Zayn facing him with a soft smile.

"Harry, I can’t tell you what to do, what to say or how to act around Louis. I thought today was going well, I hoped for that and in my opinion, it was, ‘cause I always try to stay away from anyone’s business and I didn’t want to get in the middle of anything you and Louis had going on. But it feels like there’s still something unresolved between you two. Whatever it is, if you haven’t talked about it, I think you should. I don’t know what kind of truce you and he have come to, but if it’s only for appearance, it’s only a matter of time till it blows up, like it almost did now, mate.”

Harry takes a deep breath, considering what Zayn’s said and knowing that he’s right.

Pretending everything is fine and letting himself get hit by all those feelings during the day have really made Harry believe that there isn’t a huge elephant in the room. He hoped he could ignore it, that he could tip-toe around it and that it would eventually go away. But that doesn’t depend only on him or on Louis’ words that they can spend the rest of the weekend as if nothing ever happened. Niall’s slip up wasn’t on purpose, of course, but if he hadn’t spilt it out now, eventually those topics would come up one way or another and Louis would just continue to keep them from Harry, and for what? 

That’s the point Harry still doesn’t get.

He’s not expecting Louis to suddenly tell him everything that’s happened in his life in the past five years. He just wants to get along with Louis just fine so they can get through this and maybe, be able to be in each other’s life after this. But without talking and hiding things between them, that’s not gonna work.

As terrifying it is to open up, Harry knows he and Louis need to talk. He just doesn’t know if now is the right time.

“I’ll leave you to clear your mind, Hazza. I know it’s a lot to take in. I don’t wanna make you more overwhelmed than you already look.” Zayn squeezes Harry’s shoulder, bringing Harry’s attention back to him again.

“Thanks, Z. I think I need that, yeah.”

Zayn nods at him and gets up, leaving Harry alone in the tub with his thoughts.

He probably should leave too and maybe go after Louis and the others to let them know that everything’s fine, that none of what happened should get in the way of their time together. Or at least make them believe that until he gathers the courage to speak with Louis.

Or maybe he should go straight to the point with Louis and have that heart-to-heart so that they can go on with their lives without their unfinished business messing up their friendships.

Or he could just stay in the hot tub letting the water soak his skin until it gets all wrinkled and saggy, only so he can avoid making any serious decision until he finally leaves, maybe, who knows, in the morning.

The last option is the most appealing, so he lets his body sink lower into the hot tub, not really caring how long he stays there. He closes his eyes, trying to relax and not overthink, going over the same thoughts again and again and replaying the conversation and what went wrong.

He doesn’t know how much time passes, but his eyelids are already heavy and he almost feels himself drifting to sleep when he hears a sound that makes him open his eyes again.

When he does, he sees Louis standing at the door of the hot tub house, leaning against the wooden frame.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to disturb you. Didn’t think I’d find you sleeping already.”

“I didn’t mean to fall asleep. Wasn’t really. Just resting my eyes,” he answers, trying to sound completely awake as he fixes his posture and sits straight up again.

“May I?” Louis gestures to the tub, biting the corner of his lips.

Harry tries to look past Louis to see if any of the others are joining him, but he only sees movements far away close to the lake and he imagines that’s where they are. He notices Louis’ shorts and hair are wet again, although he’s not sure if the time they spent outside was enough for him to get dry. It might be an indication that they decided to take another swim there and for whatever reason, Louis opted to come back to the hot tub.

He gulps down, nervous and dreading to be alone with Louis now. They haven't had a moment just the two of them since earlier in the morning, and after what had just happened, this could be even more awkward than that first encounter at the deck.

“Sure,” he answers, not as confidently as he wishes, but he would never be rude to Louis to send him away.

Louis smiles shortly and makes his way to the tub, settling himself almost at the same place he was before, but this time facing Harry.

“Oh, this is so much better than the lake.” He relaxes into the water, moving his arms around himself. “Somehow the water there got even colder than before. After staying here for a while, I could almost feel my balls freezing when Niall pushed me in there.”

So, that’s what happened.

“You left him there? To freeze alone to death as revenge?” Harry jokes lightly.

“Nah, Payno and Malik are there with him. They say I’m being a diva and it’s not that cold, but I didn't wanna risk it,” he chuckles as he rolls his eyes, “and also, I wanted to talk to you,” his voice drops a little, in a more serious tone.

“Louis, you didn’t need–” Harry tries to speak but Louis shakes his head so Harry lets him continue.

“Yes I did, Harry. I mean, I do.” He takes a deep breath and keeps his eyes on Harry as if finding the courage to go on. “I need to say sorry. First for how I left earlier and I need to say sorry again for how I’ve acted this morning and this week in the group chat.”

Harry wants to protest, even tries to open his mouth, but Louis shakes his head again.

“No, don’t say it was nothing or whatever. I have no excuses and I know you know I was an arse, a complete jerk to you and that I deliberately did that in the beginning.”

Harry bites down at his lips not sure what to say, because that’s true, but Louis admitting it is a shock to him.

Louis closes his eyes for a moment, inhaling deeply before talking again. “And, not that you should accept it, but I’m also sorry for the past five years.”

“Louis…” Harry manages, but nothing comes after. He only keeps looking at Louis to see him open his eyes again, those blue eyes staring back at him glumly.

“I understand if you don’t wanna talk about it now, but I just needed to put it out there. At least once, so you know that I don’t hold it against you. It’s been a while since I’ve gotten over… it.”

The way Louis hesitates to finish that sentence makes Harry wonder if he was considering what word to say. He’s gotten over it... what? Their break up? The last fight they had? Them? Or Harry? Or everything?

“It all just hit me at once and I should’ve known how to deal with it, but I let my stubborn and proud side take over. I never meant for you to think I’m still holding a grudge over what happened,” he continues, looking away from Harry. “I worked hard to finally be able to move on and I was scared of what would happen when we'd come face to face. So, I put my walls up again and took it out on you and I’m sorry if I made you feel like I didn’t want you around.”

“I understand, Louis and I don’t blame you,” Harry is quick to say before Louis can stop him again even though he has his sad stare fixed on the water in front of him. “You have every right, I know this. And I accepted it. All I wanted was that things between us wouldn’t get in the way, wouldn’t interfere this weekend and I’m glad we had that talk in the morning and we could enjoy today without problems. I just don’t understand what happened for you to storm out like that earlier. I’m not asking you to suddenly open up to me, let me in again and tell me everything about your life. But you also don’t need to hide things or spare me from anything. You didn’t need to make the others promise you not to mention certain things.”

Louis turns his attention to Harry again, but his eyes are distant and it’s hard for Harry to understand what’s going on inside his mind. It’s even harder when all Louis does is shake his head and let out a faint laugh.

“I wasn’t trying to spare you, Harry. I was trying to spare myself.”

Harry furrows his brows.

Louis lets out a heavy breath, passing his hand over his forehead. “I didn’t want you to know how embarrassing it’s been for me to go back out there. I didn’t want you to pity me if you knew I had gone out with such lame blokes. And I didn’t want you to think that I’d go to lengths to find someone who’d marry me just because I didn’t get that with you.”

It takes a moment for Harry to absorb what Louis is saying. It hadn’t crossed his mind that this was about how Louis feels instead of how it would affect Harry. How selfish of him.

“I would never! I don’t have any right to judge you,” he says emphatically. “And how could you think that, Louis? You can do whatever you want, date whoever you want and if you met someone who’d make you happy enough to marry them, the only thing I’d feel would be thrilled that you finally found the happiness you deserve and I couldn’t give you. The thing I regret the most is making you think you weren’t loved enough and I tried so hard to make sure you knew how I felt about you and that your happiness was the most important to me. I’m sorry that everything that’s happened made you believe I’d think you’d be doing that only to get back at me.”

His chest feels heavy and light at the same time when Harry stops talking. 

Heavy because those are things he didn’t think he’d be saying again, that he'd relive all those feelings from right after their break up. Heavy because in parts, he’s being honest but hiding the fact that right now, after the mix of feelings he’s been having all day he’s not sure if Louis saying he’s actually found someone again he would be truly happy for Louis.

But also light because he got a second chance to finally tell those things to Louis in person when five years ago his messages weren’t enough to convey Louis. Not that now it will make any difference, but at least he can look at Louis’ face and accept how he really feels.

Louis shifts inside the tub, one hand fixing his fringe in that nervous way Harry used to know so well. “But that’s the problem, Harry. I haven’t found anyone like that. I haven’t found someone that I truly liked or liked enough to keep around for long enough.”

It’s the way Louis says it, with so much sorrow that makes Harry’s heart sink.

“But... Niall said he proposed to you? Why would he propose if both of you weren’t on the same page?” Harry is confused because he can’t understand why someone would propose if they weren’t sure that the other person is as much in love with them as they are.

He can only think back to Louis’ proposing to him. It was a surprise, of course. Not that Louis had decided to propose, because that had been something they knew would happen. They had been talking about wanting to build a life, a family for years, they had been living together in Manchester for three years already, so it wasn’t any spur of the moment thing. The surprise was how Louis did it – during their trip on Easter holiday to Scotland, taking Harry to the top of the lighthouse B&B they had been staying at, asking the owner to help him set dinner at candlelight with flowers spread all over the floor, leaving the ring inside a wooden box with an anchor and rope carved on it at the top of the railing facing the open sea illuminated by the beacon. Louis had then told Harry that the moment they booked the place, he knew he had to do it there and had started planning everything since then, which had been three months before the actual proposal. 

Even if Louis had simply woken up one day with a ring in front of Harry and asked to marry him while they were still both in bed, Harry would have thought it as special as the Lighthouse planning and would've said yes nonetheless. Harry could’ve also done it on a whim and he knew Louis would've also said yes to him. Because Harry knew he wanted to marry Louis for years and he knew Louis felt the same. That’s the only thing he was sure of for a long time.

Thus, imagining someone proposing without feeling the same thing, the same assurance he and Louis once had is completely inconceivable.

“Let’s just say Matt put too much expectation into what we had. I mean, I hadn’t even taken him to meet mum and the girls ‘cause I didn’t want it to be serious, but somehow he got ahead of himself.” Louis shrugs dismissively.

“Louis, you had been seeing him for six months, how’s that not serious? We were pretty serious at six months.” Harry questions because he still can’t understand the lack of commitment and yet, a marriage proposal happening.

Six months into their relationship, Harry and Louis found themselves at this very same bungalow, with promises that could’ve lasted a lifetime if Harry hadn’t been too self-centred and taken Louis for granted.

“We were too young back then, Harry. That’s very different. Ten years ago, you were… all I had ever known. Today, six months is not even enough time to know if the person is a creep or not. C’mon, don’t tell me you’ve been with someone and you already knew you’d be getting serious from the get-go as you said it was with me. You must’ve learned something from what happened to us, Harry.”

It takes Harry aback to hear Louis suggest that he could ever get serious with anyone like he did with them. It’s hurtful that Louis has even considered it.

“Hm, that’s… quite the opposite. I could never get serious. With anyone,” he admits without a second thought.

“Oh.” That’s all that comes out from Louis.

“It’s fine. I mean, I understand what you mean about not wanting to get serious. I’m just wondering why you let it go for so long and still not get serious and make the guy think you’d want to get the most serious.” Harry tries to take the focus from himself and their own failed relationship.

Louis licks his lips, taking a moment before replying. “I don’t know. I don’t think I’ve led the lad on or given him any signs. He was just too eager to please me. He thought I’d fall in love with him if he proposed, I don’t know. I just… he was a nice guy, all in all. It just never clicked. I just never found– I just never felt anything too serious with anyone. And it’s not like I was looking. It was just a way to move on, I reckon. He happened to be someone who stuck around longer but ended poorly.”

It’s hard for Harry not to sympathise with Louis, even though their situations were different. Harry barely looked for people, knowing that he could never connect with them. Louis has put himself out there to try to find that connection but settled for superficial things when he couldn’t.

The resemblance is that the reason why that connection was out of reach for both of them is the person sitting across from each other now.

“But the thing is,” Louis continues, ignoring Harry’s silence but not facing him as he nervously plays with his fingers, “yeah, the guy proposed to me, it was a shitty thing to go through and that’s why I didn't want to talk about it. I wasn’t sparing you from knowing I almost got engaged in a twisted way to make you feel bad. I was sparing me from having to explain all I just said to you.” 

Harry feels like there’s a knife twisting inside his stomach. He can’t believe how wrong he was about Louis.

“I’m sorry,” that’s all he can say even though it doesn’t even scratch the surface of how he feels now.

Louis sinks himself a little lower into the tub, letting only his head afloat on the water. “It’s… it is what it is. I guess one way or the other you’d end up knowing about it. I’m sorry it had to be this way, with me making a scene. If things had been different between us, maybe you'd be there to laugh along with me after I finally got over that trauma.”

Harry takes a deep breath, considering the implication of what Louis is saying.

“I never wanted to push you away, Louis. I hope you know that.”

Louis sends him a small smile. “I know. I reacted the worst possible way back then and this,” he gestures between them, making the water sway around them, “this is on me. I’m well aware of that. I was just too proud to admit that I was wrong. For a long time. And when I realized that, I thought it was too late to go back and reply to all your texts three years later. It’s not that I didn’t want to make amends, Harry. It’s just… I thought it was better to leave it like that. I didn’t see a way to fix what had already been broken and after that last message you sent on my birthday, I didn’t want to drag you into the mess I had become.”

Harry doesn’t want to think about Louis actually reading his messages. He simply assumed he had never even opened them. Now that he thinks about it, it’s most likely Louis turned off his read receipts just so Harry wouldn’t know he had actually read them.

It doesn’t matter anymore. What matters is that there was a chance that they could’ve turned their situation around, and if Louis had actually tried, Harry would’ve taken it without a doubt.

“I’d take a mess over nothing at all, Louis. Any time.”

Louis nods softly. “I’m sure you would, but I was too scared to know that at the time. And scared to know what would come from that if we ever talked again, as I still was till today. Me and you not talking isn’t your fault and accusing you of not knowing anything about me since then is very hypocritical on my part.”

“It’s okay, I understand, Louis. Again, I don’t blame you ‘cause I know I had my share of blame on how you behaved. And now I understand better how you felt back then and how you feel now. In the end, there’s a silver lining, ‘cause I don’t have to imagine if you still hate me or not.” Harry shrugs, a little embarrassed.

“I never hated you, Harry, I could never. I only dealt with it all that way because I–” Louis pauses suddenly, his eyes locking with Harry for barely a second, and somehow that makes Harry feel cold all over even though the water is warm enough. “Because I felt too much.” That’s what Louis decides to say.

“That’s reassuring. I mean, to know you don’t hate me. I think I understand about feeling too much.” Harry tries to conceal the fact that he’s talking about all the confusing feelings he’s had in the span of a day. 

“It was intense, innit?” Louis chuckles. “Us, back then.”

Harry would like his body to decide how to react to Louis because the cold shiver he had felt just a moment ago now is turning into his cheeks getting warm. He can’t, just can’t let his body get all bothered by Louis like this. They are finally settling things between them, the last thing Harry wants and needs is to screw things up with his heart and brain playing games with him.

“Yeah.” Harry plucks his bottom lips with his fingers, clearing his throat, in an attempt to keep things at bay. 

“It was indeed, and I want you to know I don’t take what we had for granted, Harry, none of it. Don’t think I do, please. That’s not why I preferred to keep my distance. If I'm being honest, that was the hardest thing I ever did, ‘cause I made the biggest mistake of pushing my best friend away. And after that, I understood how you felt, ‘cause I broke a promise too. I told you we could, that we would stay friends and I took that away from both of us and never gave you a chance. And if it wasn't for that, we wouldn’t be in this situation now.”

“It’s… it is what it is, Louis,” Harry quotes Louis with a weak smile. “It’s not like we can go back and change what we did, what we said.”

“No, we can’t. You’re right. And I’m past the stage of overthinking and mulling over what ifs. I hope, though…” he emerges, sitting properly again, “I hope that now that we’ve talked about it, we can deal better with it? I mean, I’m willing to, Harry, really. Not only for the sake of this weekend. We had unsaid things left before, and now… I feel lighter, you know? And having you around the whole day, everything we did together, I feel like I can admit that I’ve missed it.”

Harry looks at Louis almost perplexed, not really believing how honest he is being right now. He’s not complaining, though. This is just way more than he ever expected to happen between them.

“That’s exactly how I feel, Lou,” Harry allows himself, for the first time, to let the nickname slip out of his mouth. And it doesn’t go unnoticed to Louis as Harry sees him opening a sneaky smile that is enough to make the corners of his eyes crinkle. “I’ve missed having you as a friend too.” Covering up what he really feels is a low blow to himself, but he knows that’s all he’s gonna get from Louis and he’s more than willing to have it.

“I hope we can regain that, Haz.”

It’s involuntary how Harry opens an even bigger smile to hear Louis saying the nickname back at him.

It hits differently than Styles, which feels teasing but still in an impersonal way, or even Harold, which is completely ironic. The other boys are used to calling him Hazza, which couldn’t be any more different than Haz, but... there is a special thing to it, mainly coming from Louis. The nickname has always been almost only reserved for him (aside from Gemma), and it holds that fondness that brings back memories of loving moments, whispered things and shared dreams.

And Louis saying it lifts all Harry’s doubts. It’s not that he doesn’t believe Louis’ words when he says that he’s doing okay, that he’s gotten over and moved on from their break up. But it’s in the little details, small gestures and intentions that he sees that Louis really means it. It’s in the “Haz” that Harry knows Louis would never use it just because. 

Harry breathes deeply, trying to control the way his stomach flutters thinking about what’s going to happen next between them.

“I’m sure we will,” he reassures, making sure to look directly at Louis, locking eyes with him.

If he wasn’t too lost in his own swirl of feelings, he could swear he sees Louis hold his breath for a moment and swallowing hard. 

He doesn’t have time to process it, because Louis quickly smiles back. “I’m glad we could finally talk, Haz.”

“Me too.” Harry lets out a relieved laugh, letting a hand run through his hair.

“I mean, also because Niall threatened to drown me on the lake if I didn’t come back to talk to you.” Louis laughs along.

“Hmm, I see. There was blackmail involved, so that’s what this was.” Harry pretends to be offended, crossing his arms over his chest.

“I feel wounded that you don’t believe in my honest attempt to be in good terms with you, Harold. I’m here, opening up my heart to you…”

“Oh, shut up, Louis,” Harry can’t keep the serious face as he starts throwing water in Louis’ direction.

“And now I’m being attacked! Fucking rude!” Louis doesn’t waste time to retaliate, splashing Harry back.

It feels too childish, but Harry can’t help but keep laughing and playing around with Louis, almost feeling ten years younger.

He’s so entertained that he doesn't even notice when Niall appears by the door of the hot tub house.

“Oi, I see you finally solved the unsolved tension between you two by creating some sort of mating ritual or whatever this is.”

“Shut the fuck up, Horan.” Louis stops throwing the water in Harry’s direction to make Niall the target now.

Niall puffs out and shows Louis the middle finger. “No, by all means, please continue. It’s not like we have anything else to do or that there are three lads out there almost dying of hunger.”

Shit. Harry completely lost track of time.

“Oh, sorry, Ni. I should’ve checked the time. But yeah, now that you mentioned it, I’m feeling hungry too. I’ve brought some premade pizza dough, we can prepare those. It’s quick and easy, how about that?”

“Say no more, Styles. I’ll get Liam and Zayn to get started. You and Louis… continue whatever you guys were doing here.” He winks at Harry and turns around without another word.

“I swear one day I’ll end up strangling Niall,” Louis complains, but not in a serious way.

“He wants to drown you, you want to strangle him… what a healthy and lovely friendship you have,” Harry jokes.

“It’s all about that mutual hatred and respect,” Louis snorts. “But I guess we should get going to help them. Or do you trust them in the kitchen alone?”

“Not more than I trust you.” Harry is already getting out of the tub when he feels another splash of water hit his back. “Heeey!”

“I said you'd better watch out. You deserved this one, I’m the only one allowed to mock my lack of cooking skills.” Louis jumps out of the tub too and Harry really doesn’t want to linger his look on the way the droplets of water slide down from Louis’ long hair, down his bare back, soaking his shorts and then down his legs.

Shaking his head, he waits until Louis is out of the hot tub house first so he can take a deep and long breath to collect himself.

It might look like things are improving between them, but still, Harry better tuck away any unwanted thoughts and feelings if he wants to survive the remainder of the weekend around Louis. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All mistakes in this and the next two chapters are mine, sorry about that!


	4. July 26th 2020

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year! We're almost done! I hope I won't disappoint with how this chapter will go!  
> There's an Epilogue coming, so don't fret!  
> Can't thank enough those who have been patient with me and this story!  
> Without further ado, please enjoy it and comment and share your thoughts with me! xx

**Sunday (At the Bungalow)**

After the long day that Saturday and after having dinner, everybody is too exhausted to do any energetic activity, so they decide to just lay low inside the house. 

Harry offers to connect the video game console, knowing how much they all enjoy it – the number of game nights they used to have, spending hours playing FIFA were too many to count. Harry was never a big fan of those but he usually played along, obviously, even if he knew he had no chance of winning against any of them (but when it was Scrabble night, that was a completely different story). Still, he enjoyed all those times together just having fun with them and seeing Louis get all worked up when someone dared to be better than him. That night, though, even playing video games feels like it’s too much for everyone, so they agree to spend the rest of the night chilling and watching something on Netflix.

“Should we pick a classic film or a new one? Netflix has released so many good ones recently. I haven’t been able to catch up with them,” Niall says from the love seat he’s sitting, already with the remote he’s snatched from the coffee table in hand.

“If we go classic, Payno will obviously vote for Harry Potter,” Louis comments from his place on the floor.

Liam grabs a handful of popcorn from the bowl on the coffee table in front of his seat beside Harry and throws them in Louis’ direction. “And what about it, Tommo? It would be a good opportunity for you to finally learn some Potterhead knowledge and stop mocking me for it.”

Harry watches as Louis gives Liam the finger and retaliates by throwing a cushion back at him. He can’t help the amused smile on his face, but he tries to suppress it when Louis quickly glances his way, and both avert their eyes.

“I don’t mind the Harry Potter movies,” Zayn chimes in from the large armchair, “but I gotta agree with Horan. There are so many Netflix originals we can pick. I heard there’s a new one called The Old Guard. I’m not sure what it’s about, but the trailer looked sick.”

“Oh, I’ve heard of that one! It just came out a couple of weeks ago, right?” Niall’s already fussing with the remote control, browsing through Netflix to find the film.

Zayn nods excitedly. “Yeah, it looks like there’s a lot of action, but I have no clue what the plot is.”

“Guess it’s a good time to find out, Malik. I’m up for anything really, just not any of those sappy romantic shit. I’m looking at you, Harold.”

Harry looks at Louis a tad offended. “I didn’t even say anything! I like anything as well, not only rom coms. Last time I checked, you never complained about those.” He doesn’t even think before speaking, the words coming out naturally.

There’s a small beat of silence. Harry can almost sense the others getting tense with their exchange. After their talk in the hot tub, Harry knows Louis won’t take that comment in the wrong way, though. During dinner they talked normally, even joking with each other. Harry noticed how the boys were watching their interaction closely, trying to figure out what had happened between them, but no one commented on anything. Right now, it doesn’t seem like they will either, but they’re probably still afraid that another blow-up could happen again.

“Never complained, that’s true.” Louis shrugs unperturbed, and Harry can feel the others letting out their breaths in relief. “I enjoy them once in a while, not gonna lie. But if we leave it to you, I’m sure we’ll be watching Love Actually or The Holiday.”

“We wouldn’t 'cause we’re in the middle of July and those are strictly holiday movies.” Harry rolls his eyes, crossing his arms across his chest. “I’m offended you think I’d betray this tradition, Louis. And for your information, any heavy action movie would be fine for me. War movies like 1917 or Dunkirk? I’m game. And if you’re all on board with this Old Guard one, I’m not opposed. I’ve heard good things about it too. I even heard it has a very diverse cast, so that’s great.” Looking at Louis, Harry sends him an all too convincing grin. Louis shakes his head and looks the other way. If Harry sees a small smile forming on the corner of Louis’ lips, he doesn’t let himself dwell on it.

“Alright, no arguing over movies, lads.” Liam claps his hands to bring everybody’s attention back to him. “So, The Old Guard it is. I reckon we all agree it’s gonna be an interesting movie then. Hit that play button, Nialler.”

Watching the movie is entertaining in itself, but also a lot more by having Niall’s comments on basically every scene. They don’t even read the description on Netflix so they have no idea what it was about, really. Trying to figure out what the four protagonists that first appear on screen are turns into a guessing game until they get to a scene where everybody is shot dead and suddenly comes back to life. Niall’s scream of “WHAT THE FUCK?!” get them all laughing so hard they have to stop the film to calm down before continuing so they don’t miss any explanation.

It’s definitely a good pick for them to watch that night. It’s easy, funny, and somehow light and emotional, even with all the fight and action scenes. The characters are amazing, and with the addition of the new girl they rescue, it becomes more interesting. Harry’s even surprised to find out two of the men in the team are a couple. It makes him grow fonder of them, even more when they are captured together and Joe delivers a heart-wrenching speech about Nicky that gets Harry having to control himself not to look at Louis’ direction.

_“He’s the moon when I’m lost in darkness and warmth when I shiver in cold. And his kiss still thrills me, even after a millennia. His heart overflows with the kindness of which this world is not worthy of. I love this man beyond measure and reason.”_

He can’t compare what two immortal fictional characters that have been together for almost a thousand years have to his feelings for Louis. Still, it resonates with him that if given the opportunity, if he had a thousand years to share with Louis, he’d cherish, protect and love Louis in the same way.

He tries to keep those thoughts at bay and continue to pay attention to the movie but somehow it only makes him hyper aware of Louis sitting on the other side of the room, so quietly and focused, simply being himself. For all Harry has observed Louis the whole day, this is the moment he really gets a glimpse of the old Louis he was used to – the one who would sit beside him on their couch to watch the telly, or that would lay his head on Harry’s lap with a book in his hand whilst Harry played with his hair, or would sit by his feet on the floor to study using the coffee table as Harry did his own homework on his laptop on the couch. The quiet version of Louis is one that Harry was always the softest for because it’s Louis letting himself be more vulnerable and open, allowing Harry to just bask into his nature and essence. It’s like taking a look at Louis’ soul through a window.

Every trait of Louis’ personality makes it who he is, and Harry once loved all of it. But he also knows Louis has also used parts of it to put up a wall around himself and not let people in. He used many of them earlier that day with Harry and as much as it sometimes infuriated Harry, he should know better that’s how Louis is. It’s how he protects himself. It’s his coping mechanism. It’s not one of his favourite parts of Louis, but it never meant he loved him less for them. He learned how to navigate around this part and to let Louis let him in. He could learn that again if Louis allows it. 

On the other hand, this other Louis, this quiet one who barely takes his eyes off the screen, who reacts with surprise or disgust depending on the scene, who throws a pillow at Niall for an unnecessary comment… this Louis, Harry knows like the back of his hand. He is so fond of and loves him effortlessly, without even noticing. It’s the closest Harry had to his old Louis.

But Harry can’t think of Louis like that, can’t keep comparing the old version of Louis he knew and loved with this new one he is starting to know again. If he keeps bringing those thoughts to the front of his mind, he’ll make himself sad and frustrated considering what he and Louis have talked, agreed on. He can’t mess up the prospect of rekindling his friendship with Louis just because he can’t control his feelings.

That’s not the time to dwell on those things, though, so Harry tries to focus on the rest of the film without being interrupted by his own confused state. 

He ends up liking the movie more than he thought he would. The ending is promising, and everyone’s excited about it, even discussing what a possible sequel would be like. But Harry’s too tired to pay too much attention to what they are talking about and as the conversation goes on, he’s pretty sure someone chooses another movie or, maybe it’s an episode of a random series to watch, he’s not sure. Because before he can make sense of it, he falls asleep, not even bothering to move upstairs.

When he wakes up again, he’s disoriented. The fact that he’s lying on the couch rather than on the bed in the master bedroom throws him off, along with the feeling that he’s had a troubled sleep. He awakens in jolt from a confusing dream, one of many he had. They were all a mix of old memories, most of them including Louis and their time together at the bungalow ten years ago, those infamous letters, their break-up, and something that probably had to do with the movie they watched.

Gathering his thoughts, he takes a moment to situate himself and notices that the boys decided to to hit the hay right there in the living room too. He doesn’t find Louis sleeping like the others still are immediately though. The spot where he had been on the floor is empty, but with signs that he spent the night there. Liam’s also on the floor and it makes Harry feel slightly guilty. If he had known they’d spend the night there, he’d have offered his place to one of them. 

But he reckons it wouldn’t have mattered where he slept, on a comfortable couch or the floor. His mind didn’t make it any easier or comfortable for him to rest. All the talk about the movie, Harry’s all too consuming thoughts and feelings, and everything else that had already happened the previous day certainly contributed to his hazed dreams.

So now that he’s awake, he tries to push them away as his brain insists on reminding him of them. He doesn’t even want to make sense of what they meant, sure it will only make him even more confused than he already is

With Zayn, Niall and Liam still sleeping and Louis probably outside, Harry gets up trying not to disturb anybody and slips out of the living room to go upstairs to collect himself. He takes a shower and changes clothes, deciding to do his morning yoga in the bedroom. The view of the lake from the wide window will have to make do to help him unwind.

When he finally gets downstairs again, the boys are already up. Niall and Liam have already gotten started on breakfast, and he finally finds Louis having a smoke with Zayn outside on the deck. The normality is enough to calm Harry's nerves but not for long. As they eat, they also start talking about the letters, and Harry knows it won’t be so easy for him to keep his cool.

They have already put off opening them the day before, and now, there’s literally no other excuse that neither he nor Louis can come up with to delay what they came to do at the bungalow. If Harry could actually have a say, he would suggest they forget about those letters altogether. He doesn’t want to ruin the real reason why they organised this meet up in the first place, though.

Maybe he’s overreacting this morning for no reason, anxious to know what everyone’s letters will say. Or maybe, it’s his brain that decided that last night was a good time to mess him up. But he has to swallow everything down, along with his breakfast, to go through the rest of the day.

It’s around eleven am, when everybody’s done eating and is properly clean and showered that they finally decide to dig those letters. Harry heads to the storage house to grab a shovel and the boys follow him around on the way to the back of the house. 

“So, does anyone actually remember where we buried those letters?” Zayn asks as they make their way down the extensive lawn near the lake.

“If I’m not mistaken, we did it close to a tree, right?” Niall replies.

“Didn’t we put some rocks on top of the exact place? I remember Tommo and I went into the clearing to find some big rocks that wouldn’t move so easily,” Liam points out.

“Oh yeah, that’s true. And then you tricked me into carrying the heaviest one.” Louis knocks his shoulder with Liam’s, almost making Liam lose his balance.

“I did not! You chose that rock yourself, Tommo! Not my fault it happened to be heavier than the ones I found.” Liam retaliates, elbowing Louis on his side.

“I’ll pretend I believe it, Payno,” Louis laughs, shaking his head. “But yeah, I remember we dropped those rocks close to a tree near the fence. I guess it won’t be difficult to find it then.” He indicates with his finger to a spot across the lake.

Harry nods. “That’s the only tree on that side of the fence, so let’s hope the rocks are still there.” He motions for the others to follow along as they make their way around the lake.

When they reach it, it is not hard to see a couple of small boulders piled up right in front of a big oak tree.

“Ah, the babies are still here.” Niall kicks one the rocks lightly. “Shall we, then?”

Zayn and Liam offer to move the rocks, and Niall asks Harry to hand him the shovel so he can dig the hole himself.

Harry doesn’t even complain, letting them do the work as he stands watching. Louis is by his side with a lit cigarette, and Harry is quite sure he doesn’t want anything to do with the letters as well. He can’t say what Louis’ been thinking but with how little enthusiasm he’s reacted every time the letters were brought up, it’s not hard to guess that this won’t be something easy for him to go through either.

Niall’s face is already all red from digging the ground, but it doesn’t take him much longer to hit a hard spot.

“Guess I found it, lads,” he says, wiping the sweat off his forehead.

“Why did we bury it so deep? Where did we find the energy to dig this big hole?” Zayn crouches down in front of the hole, taking some more dirt from it and then finally fishing out a large mason jar.

“The glass is very dirty, but the letters seem alright inside.” Liam takes the jar from Zayn to exam it. “Guess we won’t have difficulties reading them.”

Harry takes in a heavy breath. By his side, he can hear Louis murmuring an annoyed "great" before he exhales the smoke one last time, throwing his cigarette on the grass and stepping on it to put it out.

“Well, there’s no more waiting, innit? Let’s open it,” he says more cheerfully, but Harry can read the facade he’s put on.

Niall puts the shovel on the ground and moves to sit beside where Zayn is. Liam does the same as he tries to screw the lid open, and Harry and Louis have no other option but to join them on the grass, opening a circle around the hole.

“You remembered to put your names on it, right?” Liam asks as he takes the letters from inside the jar. Each one of them is rolled up with a different coloured ribbon tying around it.

“I remember we made sure to tell Niall to write his 'cause he had forgotten,” Harry laughs and Niall takes a handful of dirt to throw at Harry’s direction. “Heey, I’m only saying the truth. But the different ribbons can also help identify them.”

“That’s why his name is almost unreadable, but I can recognise Horan’s horrible handwriting anywhere. Also, this one is orange, so clearly Niall’s,” Liam jokes, handing Niall the letter with the orange ribbon on it.

“Tommo’s worse than mine.” Niall sticks his tongue out, already untying and unrolling his sheet of paper.

“Most of the days, yeah. I pity my students for having to read my notes on their papers and exams, but what can I do?” Louis shrugs, picking on the grass in front of him.

“Now? Nothing, it’s helpless, but back then, it was still very neat. Here’s yours.” Liam shakes Louis’ letter in front of him, which is tied with a blue ribbon. Harry gulps down, remembering that he had chosen the colour for him.

Louis takes the rolled-up letter in his hand without a word and stares at it for a moment before he opens it up. Harry looks away, trying to avoid catching what’s written in it.

“This one’s mine,” Liam continues, placing his letter – the one with a red ribbon – on his lap, “this one’s… Zayn’s,” he hands him the one with a yellow ribbon, “and so this is Harry’s, obviously.”

Harry grabs the letter with the green ribbon. It feels heavier than he remembers, even though there’s only one written piece of paper. Maybe it’s the weight of the words that makes it feel so.

He takes the ribbon off and rolls the sheet out, not actually believing he had written it fully front to back. Damn his younger self, why did he have to complicate so many things?

Before he has time to look deeper into his letter, Niall brings his attention back by clapping his hands.

“Man, this is gonna be fun. Who wants to read first?” He says, laughing.

Harry suddenly feels his body going cold despite the hot sun above his head. He quickly glances at Louis and he’s not sure what to make of his expression. Louis’ eyes are looking out at the lake, void of any real emotion, and Harry can only notice the way he breathes in sharply as he rests his arms on top of his knees, biting his lips.

Harry wants to reach out, but he’s sure whatever Louis is feeling or thinking, he’s probably the last person Louis wants to share it with.

He gulps down, taking his eyes back to Niall, nervously. “Are we… reading them out loud?”

“‘Course, that’s the point! To see what we wrote back then and to laugh at our ridiculous predictions from 10 years ago,” Niall replies, genuinely confident. 

Harry’s not sure his letter is of laughing material, though.

“I don’t mind reading mine,” Zayn comments, shrugging. “It’s a whole lot of bullshit, but I can let you guys take the piss with me.”

Liam shares a concerned look with Harry and then quickly looks at Louis, who’s remained quiet and thoughtful. “If there’s something anyone doesn’t feel comfortable sharing, that’s fine, I guess. Take your time to edit it out, maybe. Louis?” He pokes Louis on the arm and Louis simply nods.

Harry licks his lips nervously, wondering if he can even do that with his letter. He’ll let the others go first, even Louis if he wants to, just so he doesn’t feel too embarrassed about what his younger self wrote. Then he can also have time to consider Louis’ words before he says his.

“Yeah, sure. No pressure at all, lads. I can start if that’s alright, then,” Niall suggests and everybody assents to it.

Niall’s letter is not so long, but it does make the boys laugh when he reads that he was thinking about applying for the X-Factor if his gap year didn’t help him decide what to do.

“I guess a singing career seemed more appealing than business school back then. But I don't actually regret it,” he reflects.

“The world is glad you didn’t apply too. Imagine if it worked out?” Zayn mocks.

“I’d be famous, and you’d have to put up with my face all over the billboards and my beautiful voice on the radio all the time, Malik. You’d love it, admit it.”

“No, we wouldn’t. We have enough of you as it is, Neil,” Louis speaks, and Harry feels a tad lighter to see that he’s joking along. At least Niall’s letter helped to lift the mood a little.

Niall continues reading and they all get emotional when he mentions how grateful he was for his friends, hoping they would never lose touch, and that maybe the bungalow would become one of the first traditions they’d create in future years.

Something tugs at Harry’s chest when he considers Niall’s words. He knows that those things were true in the beginning and it remained true for the other lads, but it reminds him that he cocked it all up and messed up their friendship. That’s something Harry will never fully forgive himself. 

The same feeling comes when Zayn and Liam read their letters, which are very similar to Niall’s. They mentioned what they hoped they’d be doing in the following years – Zayn confesses he was only applying for college so his mother didn’t feel like he was wasting his time and says he’s glad he stuck with it because there he found his passion for music and could start his career. For Liam, he genuinely thought his parents wouldn’t support him in pursuing a design career using his drawing skills and that he’d be stuck helping his father in his office and now he can’t believe how wrong he was, because his parents are the ones giving him the support to start his artistic project – and both talked about their friendship and how important it was that they were so close and that they still hoped it would continue like that in the future.

Listening to them is bittersweet for so many reasons. It makes Harry wish so many things were different between him and his old friends but it also makes him cherish that he’s known these boys for so long and now he can see how they turned out and be happy for where they are in life, even if he hasn’t been by their sides through it all. He only hopes he can at least make it up for the lost time to them from now on.

At the same time, it also makes him so self-conscious of what he probably wrote in his letter.

He knows it’s nothing like what they wrote. They barely even scratched topics about how they expected their romantic lives would be or about wanting to find someone to share their life with. Liam’s the only to mention he would like to be married by twenty-eight and maybe with a kid but it’s so vague. The one thing he can remember from his, is how certain of Louis he was at the time. It makes him want to throw up thinking about opening himself up like that in front of them, in front of Louis – in front of _this_ Louis, matter of factually.

“So,” Zayn clears his throat when a beat of silence stretches after he finishes reading his letter. “H… Lou… you still wanna read yours?” He asks, cautiously.

Harry observes how all eyes are on both him and Louis. He glances carefully to see Louis twisting the blue ribbon between his fingers and holding his letter so tightly with his other hand he’s crushing the paper.

If it could help, Harry would volunteer to read his letter first and let Louis decide if he still wants to share what he’s written but he knows that reading it will probably only add to Louis’ nervous state. He doesn’t know what to do to make it better, but before he can come up with anything, Louis speaks up.

“Well, we’re all here, right? Let’s bite the bullet once and for all.” He inhales deeply, throwing the ribbon away on the grass and unfolding the letter, trying to smooth the paper so he can read it better.

Harry holds his breath, feeling his heart ricocheting against his chest, bracing himself to listen to Louis’ words.

“Forgive me, Older Louis, for not knowing how to start this properly,” he starts, and Harry lets out a faint laugh as he closes his eyes and lets Louis’ voice fill everything around him.

 _“I don’t know why Horan was so insistent but since the others were on board, let’s do this shit. I feel like I’m gonna say a fuckton of nonsense, but I’ll try my best. Only ‘cause I’m looking at Haz and it feels like he’s pouring his entire soul into his piece of paper, that ridiculous boy._ ”

His heart almost skips a beat at the mention of his name. Harry can feel the fondness there. Not from Louis’ voice, but past Louis. The image of them sitting inside the house in the living room, writing their own letters, and how he had also been observing Louis as he indeed poured his heart out into a piece of paper makes him nostalgic and miss those small moments and details. He didn’t expect Louis to be so detail-oriented in his letter, but Louis was always one to surprise him once in a while. He hopes Louis didn’t include so many more surprises, for both of their sake.

“ _Holy fuck, I’m so in love with this ridiculous boy right now. I can’t even write something that’s supposed to be for me without mentioning him, that’s how far gone I am. But you know what, Future Me? I don’t fucking care ‘cause this is exactly what I want to still be feeling when you read this letter. Is this even possible? Please, Older and Wiser Louis, tell me this is possible ‘cause right now this is happiest I’ve ever been. I feel like I could take on the whole fucking world if I have Harry by my side, wherever we end up._ ” 

Harry opens his eyes, feeling like the world is spinning around him.

Louis is not looking at him, completely focused on the paper in front of him, holding onto it for dear life, probably wanting to forget Harry’s next to him. Harry then looks at the other boys, who seem to be holding their breaths at every word Louis says.

Harry wants to get up, wants to find somewhere to ground himself, to hide, to be anywhere where he doesn’t need to deal with what Past Louis wrote about him. He can’t do it though, because he knows that if he leaves, everything he’s achieved with Louis so far this weekend will go down the drain. So he stays, hoping and praying that those were the worst parts of Louis’ letter.

“ _I still have no fucking clue if I’m choosing the right path. It’s so scary to think this is the part of my life I’m supposed to be deciding my entire future. I’m still terrified that I’m moving to Manchester in a couple of months with Harry and that’s where we’ll be starting our lives together. I hope this doesn’t go sideways, and I apologize if it does, but even having the jitters, this is what my gut is telling me, that this is just the first step for the rest of our lives, for our freedom, to do as we please and go wherever we want to go, ‘cause God, do I want to give Haz the whole fucking world and be with him to experience it all! And I hope Future Me has given him it and so much more. Because he makes my life worthwhile… Last night, he–_ ”

Louis suddenly stops reading, and Harry almost laughs at how fucking wrong he was.

Every word feels like a punch in his stomach, a slap on his face, like his heart has been crunched over by a tractor.

Ten years ago, he knew all of that. He knew exactly how Louis felt. He knew what that night meant to them both. 

Today, to be reminded of that and to the fact that the man sitting by his side reading those words doesn’t feel anything close to how he felt back then is too much for Harry to handle. He doesn’t know how much more he can handle from Louis’ letter, but he needs to put on a brave face. Because now Liam, Niall and Zayn are looking at him with pitiful eyes and Harry doesn’t deserve them. He knows that none of that holds true to Louis anymore because of him. He shouldn’t be receiving sympathy from them because of that. He deserves to be reminded of what he lost, even if it hurts. 

“I… don’t need to read that.” Louis shakes his head and looks up. He still doesn’t look at Harry but receives a nod from Liam to continue.

Harry wishes he wouldn’t though because Louis’ cracking voice as he continues makes it hurt even more.

“ _I don’t care much if I don’t end up being successful, rich and whatnot, but of course having more money than we do now would be great, but… why then am I choosing to study psychology? Please Future Me, don’t beat yourself up if we end up homeless because of my poor decisions. Just remember I’m bricking myself here, alright? All I want is to just be happy, build my life surrounded by those I love, my family, my mates. These shitfaces sitting next to me will make do, I guess. And most importantly, that I grow to know how to appreciate what I have and if Harry’s the only thing I have, then that’s enough for me._ ”

A wave of relief washes over Harry when Louis laughs at the mention of the other boys, and everyone laughs along. But that’s only for a brief moment because it still hurts. The last part hurts like a motherfucker because everything Louis ever wanted was Harry by his side, and Harry left. Louis never cared about success and wealth. All he cared about was what he and Harry had together, what they would build together, and Harry did the complete opposite to him, to them.

He was never able to forgive himself for how he made Louis feel that night they argued. Listening to how Louis felt so early on their relationship now makes Harry relive all those things he went through right after their break-up. It feels like he’s betraying Louis again just by sitting there beside him, not able to fulfil what younger Louis expected of them.

He wants to do something, say something, but he doesn’t want to interrupt Louis. Looking at Louis is already painful enough as he continues after letting out a long and sharp breath.

“ _I might sound like a lovesick fool now but fuck, I love him with my whole heart. He’s my best friend, the first person who took me in and actually accepted me for who I am and for that I'm the most grateful for having him in my life. So please, Future Me, take good care of him, and when you read this in ten years, I hope you’ll be sitting next to him, looking at his beautiful green eyes and his silly and charming smile that make you go crazy and want to snog him senseless, just like you did las–_ ”

Louis stops abruptly again, quickly glancing at Harry. 

“I’m gonna skip this part,” he says curtly. Harry casts his eyes down, not able to look back at Louis as he knows what Louis is omitting again.

He wishes though that Louis omitted this whole part out because this feels like torture. This feels like Louis is taking his heart with his bare hands and twisting it inside his rib cage. The reminder of how much Louis loved Harry in the beginning, how much he loved Harry for the years that followed, and that they weren’t only boyfriends, fiancés, but best friends who understood each other, who cared so much for each other… That’s all too much. Harry’s mind is running at 80 miles per hour, trying to find where it went wrong, where he got so off track that couldn’t read Louis anymore.

His whole body is in pain. He just wants to forget all the hurting he put Louis’ through, all the hurting he caused both of them because of his own selfishness and for the simple fact that he took Louis and what they had for granted.

“That’s fine, Tommo. If you want to stop–” Niall tries and Harry looks up sending him a thankful but small smile as he’s unable to ask it from Louis himself. Louis shakes his head, though, silencing his suggestion. 

“I’m almost done.” He runs a hand through his fringe and Harry can see that he’s sweating. It could be for the noon heat or for how tense he is, or both. Harry can sympathise with that as he feels the droplets of sweat run down his spine, his body shivering at the sensation and for his own nerves.

“ _Anyway. The lads seem to be done already with their letters so I guess I’ll wrap this up and just say this: Enjoy your fucking life, Tomlinson. Don’t let others dictate how you do it and don’t get stuck! Don’t settle for anything less than what you deserve. Take chances, go on adventures, travel the fucking world and have people in your life to ground you, and if that someone is Harry, then I’m sure we’ll make it alright. Godspeed, Older Me._ ”

Louis folds the letter and stays quiet for a moment, chewing on his bottom lip.

Harry is speechless. He doesn’t think he has any right to say anything or even face Louis right now. He sends his gaze towards the lake, trying to find some calmness to put his thoughts and feelings back into place.

He was already expecting the worst from his own letter, but Louis’ words not only came back to bite him in the arse but to make him feel like he’s the worst person ever. He was supposed to be Louis’ rock, to be Louis’ partner in every sense. He wanted to be that, always did. Louis loved him so much he had no doubt Harry would ever be anything but that.

And now, here they were, still not sure where they stand. Harry can’t be sure they’ll ever be alright after this even if they try, even if they promise each other that they can be friends again.

“So... that’s that on that.”

Louis’ voice makes Harry look at him again, only to find Louis already looking back. The blue in his eyes has lost its spark, but his expression is not sad. It looks resigned, though.

That’s a way to put it very lightly, Harry thinks to himself. There’s no way Louis is unaffected by all that. And knowing him, he knows he’s trying with all his might to hide how he really feels.

“That was… deep, Tommo.” Zayn is the one to break the ice, but Harry can see that he’s not all too comfortable doing that. Someone had to, though. Harry would expect Niall to be the one to comment something but he figures everything Louis said hits too close to home, even for Niall or Liam, who stood by Louis’ side when things went wrong with them. It’s not that Zayn doesn’t know how intense their relationship and breakup was. He was there to experience it all unfold too, but he kept his distance when he went touring, and so Harry understands where the detachment comes from.

Louis doesn’t dignify him with a proper reply, only shrugging as he tucks his folded letter inside his shorts pocket.

“You didn’t need to read everything, Tommo. We would’ve understood.” Liam is more sensible to comment.

Louis lets out a shaky breath, and Harry can almost see him debating with himself what to say. “You guys did it, why wouldn’t I? The point was to know what we thought and felt back then. That was me, and you shouldn’t be surprised. Everyone here knew all about it. It… it’s all from the past. It’s… fine. I’m fine, Payno.”

Harry wants to believe him, but he doesn’t buy it. He doesn’t because as much as five years have passed, he still can catalogue Louis when he’s nervous or when he’s fighting his own emotions. And the way he’s picking on his nails with his fingers or the trembling hand swiping over his fringe is all the indication Harry needs to know that Louis is not fine.

It all makes it harder for Harry to decide what to do about his own letter.

“You want to read yours, H?” Liam turns to Harry after staring sternly at Louis but letting it go, probably knowing Louis is kidding no one but himself.

Harry watches Louis from the corner of his eyes. He doesn’t want Louis to go through more pain since reading his letter already seemed hard enough. But if he doesn’t read it, then what does it say about him? 

It’s what Louis said. Everybody read theirs. Whatever the content of his letter, they also already have an idea of how he felt ten years ago. It’s all in the past too, that’s true. It doesn’t mean that it will haunt him or Louis any less though, but he can’t let everybody think he’s sparing them from the awkwardness of reliving what he and Louis had, or that those emotions still mean something to him. Reading it will show that he’s moved on, that he’s past the self-pity stage, just like Louis. And just like Louis, he’ll be doing a poor job of lying to himself. But fake it till you make it, right?

“I don’t see why not, now,” he concedes, letting out a long breath as he looks at everyone again and stops his eyes on Louis.

The short nod Louis gives him is all encouragement he needs to open his letter again. It’s as if, with that small gesture, Louis is telling him, “If I did it, you can do it too. Let’s just rip off the plaster and get this over with.” It’s the way he can still read Louis so well that makes him even more nervous about the letter, but he centres himself and goes for it.

“Hi, dear future self! I hope it’s going well,” he reads and laughs at himself, for how silly he was. The others seem to find it funny too, a nice thing to break the ice at first, and so he continues.

“ _I’m having a great time right now, but I think you already know this, or at least remember it. I certainly don’t want to forget this weekend! I feel so over the moon to be here with the boys, sharing this time with them. We’ve been through so much together since we all became friends and I’m glad mum and Robin let us have the bungalow for ourselves, that they actually trusted us with it! It finally feels like I’m leaving the nest which I’ll be actually doing in a couple of months! But you know all of that already._ ”

It feels like a younger Harry is speaking inside his head because he can clearly remember the exact way he felt when he wrote it. He wants to pat himself on the back for being so sure he wouldn’t forget it all.

“ _You already know everything I can’t even start to imagine is about to happen. But you’re me and I hope that how I feel now is what you’ll still be feeling for a long time, that these emotions are what guides you to keep going and live our life._ ”

He wants to laugh at how optimistic his younger self was, marvelling in the way he thought it would be so easy to live his life the same way he did when he was eighteen. He envies it though because life is so different now. He wishes he still had that optimism and _joie de vivre_.

“ _But I almost don’t want this moment right here to end. I’m dreading having to go back to real life and face all the responsibilities and decisions. I want to stay here where everything is easy and better. Not that life’s bad right now. You know it’s not! At least I hope I never look back to this moment and think this was ever bad, because how could it be? I’m surrounded by all my best mates and I have the boy I love more than I could ever put in actual words sitting across from me, with his face in a concentrated frown looking at his blank sheet of paper, nervously biting the cap of his pen, probably still thinking about what to write and… God, that’s just as endearing as all the times I’ve spent in class just observing him and admiring what he’s like._ ”

Harry really wishes he had a time machine to revisit that weekend at the bungalow because it truly was one of the happiest and most special memories he has from his youth. Now, it feels like there’s a movie playing inside his head, his own words making him recall it completely. Not only that specific scene of watching Louis, which he already had a glimpse of when Louis read his letter, but also the precise feeling of that moment.

He takes a second to catch his breath and looks up to see everybody paying attention to him. He shares a quick look with Louis, and it makes his stomach drop because he knows what’s coming next. After everything he’s gone through with Louis’ words, he doesn’t want the same for Louis, but he needs to keep going with the letter.

“ _I’m so in love with him and you know what the best part is? Of course you do! It’s that I’m loved by him in return in the exact same way…_ ” 

He pauses for a moment, not wanting to read his exact words. 

“ _Last night…_ ” 

He considers and knows that even if he edits it out, Louis will get what he’s talking about. And from Louis’ letter, everybody must’ve caught on what both of them don’t really want to mention. 

So he just skips the embarrassing part and continues. 

“ _...that was more than I ever thought I could feel for him and if this isn’t the epitome of happiness, if it doesn’t get any better than this, then I don’t wanna know what it is. But actually, I hope it gets even better. I know it will. I can’t wait to share my life with him for as long as he’ll have me. And I don’t intend to let him let me go so soon, so keep that in mind!_ ”

It feels so hard to control himself and not look at Louis to gauge his reaction to that. He wonders if Louis wants to punch Harry as much as Harry is already mentally kicking his younger self in the balls, even harder than he already did all those years ago. Reading all of this feels worse than feeling like he was betraying Louis all over again. It’s worse because it feels like he's betrayed himself. How can he go back and make a copy of this letter so he doesn’t ever forget his own words? How does he make sure he never forgets what he always wanted?

“ _If I could stop time and stay right here, or at least stay with this sensation forever, I would. I don’t know what the future holds, but if I’m being honest and this is all there is for me, then I’ll take it and keep it and make sure I’ll never let go of it. I don’t need much else or anything grandiose to keep me happy. I can keep living in a small town, I can take any ordinary job if it means I’ll never lose this feeling, that I’ll never lose Louis._ ”

He wants to scream again. He wants to throw himself inside that lake. He wants Louis to get up and push him inside that lake and let him drown in there, and make him suffer as much as he imagines Louis has for what he did to them.

He can’t believe his own words. He can’t believe he threw it all away for something he didn’t even want in the first place. Where did he go so fucking wrong that he completely lost track of what was really important to him?

He can’t believe he thought his younger self was right about him not forgetting everything he felt back then.

His throat closes, and he almost feels like losing his breath, his vision going a bit blurry.

“H, you okay?” He hears Niall asking, and he tears his eyes from the paper. It feels like he’s emerging from underwater, being able to breathe again.

“Yeah. I just… it just hit me. I wasn’t–” He tries to explain himself, but he feels his eyes start to fill with water and he completely loses track of what he wants to say.

“If you don’t want to continue, that’s fine,” Zayn says, and Harry shakes his head, swallowing down his tears and pride.

“It’s alright.” He leads one hand to the back of his neck, messaging the spot, tugging at the loose curls that aren’t held by his headband, trying to ground himself again. It doesn’t help much, though. For a brief moment, he allows himself to look at Louis, only to find him with his gaze too far away, looking at the open clearing on the other side of the property.

Nothing’s alright, but he can’t back down now, so he continues.

_“So hear me out, future self and do this for me: Remember what it feels to be young and like nothing can bring you down, like you’re invincible and loved. Remember that you make your destiny and that your happiness depends on the choices you make. But also remember who’s by your side and what makes you happy, who makes you the happiest.”_

He peeks at the next line before he even finishes reading the last sentence and he almost chokes on his own words. When he says it out loud, it comes out weak, almost hurting.

_“Louis does. Never let him think that you’re not the happiest when you’re with him. Always remind him that he’s the reason why you believe in soulmates. Let him know that you’ll be there for him, always. He makes your world better, he makes you better. He is your world, your sun, the entire fucking universe and everything you believe in. I hope not a day goes by that you don’t say how much you love him. I hope that ten years from now, everything I just said still holds true.”_

This time, he can’t hold back and feels the tears falling down his cheeks.

He wants to curse his younger self. How dare him? How dare he remind Harry of everything he has been fighting to let go of for the past five years? How dare he throw it in Harry’s face that he let go of everything he ever had, wanted and needed? That he broke every damn promise he made to Louis?

He doesn’t even feel like he’s allowed to feel anything for Louis anymore. All the feelings he’s been having this weekend feel selfish, pretentious, deceptive even. Once, he already felt everything, felt the most, and it was exactly what Louis deserved from him. And what did he do with that? 

Finishing the letter feels fruitless, useless now. He doesn’t think he even has the strength or the courage to do it. 

“Is that all?”

It’s the way Louis’ sharp tone cuts right through Harry’s ears that makes him notice he hasn’t spoken for a while.

“No, but I can stop if you want–” It comes out shaky as he attempts to look at Louis, but before he can even get a glimpse of his face, Louis turns away, cutting him off.

“It’s okay. Go on, Harry.”

It’s not harsh. It’s almost too calm, too collected and that’s even scarier.

He doesn’t let that affect him more, though. So clears his throat to continue, looking at Zayn, Niall and Liam, who only nod at him, with stoic expressions on their faces.

_“I don’t know where life is going to take me, but I hope it’s not too far from those I love, but if I have to go, then I’m sure they’ll be there with me along the way. Ten years feels like a long time and no time at all, but I hope that this time teaches us to be more compassionate and to always appreciate the now and what we have. I’m certainly trying to already put it into practice. Treat everyone with kindness, future Harry and stay grounded to your roots, to whom you love. Sincerely, Harry from the past.”_

He closes his eyes and lets his body sag down heavier onto the grass. All the weight on his shoulders feels too heavy. 

The silence that falls around them makes it all too tense and dense.

He’s sure that no one will have the courage to say anything this time. There’s no mood for that and he hates it. He hates that he thought he could prepare himself and the others for what his letter would reveal. He never thought it would hit him so hard. He could never anticipate that it would completely destroy him, even more than Louis’ letter did.

If he ever worried that he would screw up this weekend somehow, now’s the time to admit it that he did it to them, that he even outdid himself, managing to fuck things up even more royally.

Facing the other boys, facing Louis now is the last thing he feels like doing. He can’t subject himself to scrutiny like that, but he knows it’s inevitable.

So, he takes a deep breath and finally looks up.

“I’m so sorry, that was… too much,” he says, sincerely, but knowing that’s not enough to cover what he wants to apologise for.

Nobody says a word and Harry feels too exposed when he receives the same pitiful eyes Liam, Niall and Zayn had for him before. He almost dares to look at Louis, but before he can do it, he hears him standing up.

“Louis…” Liam calls, and when Harry finally turns to him, he’s already walking away.

“I need some time to think.” It’s all he says, his voice fading as he borders the lake, crossing the lawn to get to the house.

“Should we...?” Niall asks, not really sure.

“I really think we should leave him be this time. Harry, are you ok? We can give you some time too if you need it.” Zayn’s words are cautions as he moves closer to Harry.

Harry shakes his head. “No, but I have to talk to him.”

His mind’s made up before he can even think properly.

He knows he’s a mess and he knows Louis also needs some time to himself but he can’t let Louis feel however he’s feeling now without trying to explain himself, without trying to apologise for everything. He can’t let this drag longer than it needs to.

There’s no saving or fixing or taking back all that was said, but he needs to do something. Otherwise, he won’t be able to live with himself, not again.

Before any of them can stop him or convince him otherwise, Harry’s standing up. He folds the letter, putting it inside his joggers and as he makes his way back to the house, he tries to collect himself. He cleans his face with the back of his hand, tears and sweat becoming one. He pulls the headband from his hair, letting it free for him to properly run his hand through it, sure he’s making a bigger mess of it than it already was. Somehow that helps him to soothe the headache he can already feel forming.

When he enters the house, he doesn’t find Louis in the dining room, or in the kitchen and neither in the living room, but he can see the front door ajar.

His nerves make him shiver and his stomach churns as he walks towards it and finally sees Louis sitting by the small step on the front porch.

"Louis," he calls cautiously, at which Louis turns back to him. He already has a lit cigarette on his mouth, and he drags on it until his cheeks get hollow and then exhales the smoke, almost in a sigh.

He doesn’t say anything though, only turning back to look at the entrance of the driveway.

The similarity with how Louis reacted on Saturday morning on the deck makes Harry dread talking to Louis again, already feeling like he’s lost all the progress they’ve made since then.

But just like the previous day, Harry needs to swallow his insecurities and press on to get something out of Louis, or at least have him hear what he has to say. So, bracing himself, he takes a few steps until he’s on the edge of the porch next to Louis.

“Can I sit?”

Louis looks up at him and nods. “Yeah, sure.”

He sits then as he watches Louis take another drag from his cigarette and blow the smoke into the other direction.

It’s so hard for Harry to find the words to say when he can’t know for sure how Louis is feeling. When he closes himself off like this, it feels worse than when he wears his heart on his sleeves. At least then Harry can already be prepared for how Louis will react. Right now, Harry has no clue if Louis will keep acting nonchalantly again or will blow up in his face when he least expects it. Either option is terrifying, but if Harry doesn’t get to explain himself it will be even worse.

He waits to see if Louis will say anything, but after a beat when he doesn’t, Harry takes a deep breath and finally speaks. 

“Louis, I’m so sorry.”

It makes Louis finally look at him again. This time his expression catches Harry by surprise because he has a confused look on his face.

“Sorry for what, Harry? You don’t have to say sorry. I should be the one apologising for storming out like that. It seems like it’s become a bit of a habit.”

Harry shoots him a confused look back, quickly interrupting him. 

“What? No, Louis. You had every right to do that. I almost did too when I was listening to your letter, I could barely bear it. And you already said sorry for so many things when I feel like I haven’t said it enough to you. Not recently, anyway. I know I’ve begged you for forgiveness in the past, but right now, after everything we’ve just read, I feel like the worst person in the world and all I want to say is that I’m sorry all over again.” 

He lets it all out and doesn’t wait for Louis to interject. He needs to keep going, otherwise he’ll just forget everything that’s on his mind. 

“I’m so sorry for making you feel bad now 'cause you’re clearly not okay. I’m not okay either and that’s all on me. So, I’m sorry for bringing the things I wrote in my letter that neither of us really want to think about. And those things, they only made me realise how much I’ve failed you, us. I’m so sorry for not treating you right, not treating you the way you deserved when we were together. I’m sorry for taking us for granted and not giving you what you wanted and expected of us. And also sorry for not staying true to what I wanted for us. So many things wouldn’t have turned out the way they did if I had stuck to my own words.” 

He runs a hand through his hair and takes a deep breath, trying to collect himself, not sure how else to convey to Louis that he’s _just fucking sorry_. 

“So, ultimately, I’m sorry for everything. I don’t know what else to say other than that I’m really fucking sorry. You have every right to be mad at me right now. You– we wanted to let go of the past, our past, but these letters just brought everything back and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Harry feels drained but not entirely relieved. He knows Louis has already said that he doesn’t hold things against him, but with the letters, everything feels like back to square one. This time, he needs Louis to react. He deserves to have Louis being mad at him.

What comes out of Louis’ mouth is the exact opposite of what he’s expecting.

“I’m not mad at you Harry.” 

Louis’ stare is fixed on Harry, firm and collected.

Harry shakes his head, not understanding him. “You… you should be, Louis. Why aren’t you? I am so angry at myself. If I could, I would turn back time and make a copy of this letter and, I don’t know, read it until I memorised every word I wrote and never forget everything that I meant in it and how I felt. And it’s not that I forgot how I felt, I–”

Louis laughs, genuine laughter, and Harry’s stunned at his reaction. He throws his forgotten cigarette on the ground before he speaks again.

“That’s exactly it. That’s exactly why I’m not mad at you. You weren’t the only one who didn’t stick to what we wrote on those letters,” he says in a self-deprecating way. “I’m not mad at your letter, Harry. I knew exactly how you felt about me back then, that’s no news. I’m mad at myself, at my own letter.”

It shocks Harry to hear Louis say it because he was so sure that everything both of them said only proved how much Harry had given up what they dreamed of for themselves in such a selfish way. He knows he blamed Louis for also being selfish too back then, but with time, the blame shifted to himself, and he could understand where Louis was coming from. He doesn’t want to blame Louis again, doesn’t want Louis to blame himself for everything. 

“Don’t Lou, don’t be–” He tries, but Louis lifts a hand to stop him. 

“I’m mad 'cause we were only eighteen when we wrote those things, we barely knew what life was like back then. We couldn’t know what would happen to us, what life would throw at us,” he sighs, “but somehow, we changed, things changed and I can’t pinpoint where and when. I was so open-minded, such a carefree lad who just wanted to enjoy what he had and explore the possibilities. But I’ve lost myself, I didn’t prioritise myself.” Harry sees Louis closing his eyes as he lifts his head up to the sky. 

Harry can’t see this version of Louis he’s talking about, because for him, Louis never changed. He only watched Louis grow and mature with time, but stay true to himself. It’s not Louis’ fault they changed so much without realising.

“And the worst is that because of that, I didn’t prioritise us as well, even though I thought I was doing everything to keep us together. I let life control me. I let all these responsibilities, these adult worries about money and having a secure life take control of my mind. And I let you think that you needed to go away to find some better opportunities for us.”

Louis looks back down at Harry, and there’s so much pain in Louis’ face and voice, it makes Harry want to hold him. He wants to assure Louis that, no, that’s not what happened at all. How could he even think that?

“Louis, no–” He almost chokes, only now realising he’s on the verge of tears.

Louis shakes his head at him again.

“Harry, I did. How many times did we sit down to do our budgets 'cause I was worried we wouldn’t be able to make ends meet? How many times did you want to do something, to travel, to splurge money buying something silly and I was like ‘no, let’s hold it and save it for the future’? How many times did I do that?”

Thinking back, Harry knows Louis was always the one keeping track of their expenses. When Harry had mentioned his Master's exchange, Louis’ first concern was about how they would be able to support Harry all the way in the States and keep the flat and all their bills in London at the same time. It was the first big fight about that whole thing, and Harry was already too hurt to realise that Louis was only being practical and careful instead of unsupportive.

When Harry doesn’t answer, too caught up into not making himself cry, Louis continues. “You never cared about that, and I’m not saying that you were right or wrong, but… I shouldn’t care so much the way I did. I don’t know where I lost myself there. I wanted to take on the whole world and give you the entire fucking world. I wanted to enjoy so many things when I was eighteen and then suddenly, I got stuck, settled, and so comfortable that I feared for anything different. And because of that, I tainted what we had.”

There’s so much sorrow in Louis’ voice, and Harry can sympathise with that. He also wanted so many different things when he was eighteen but never followed through. He understands Louis, but at the same time, still, it hurts that Louis is so self-degrading.

“For so long I didn’t want to put the blame on myself for being the reason you chose to go so fucking far away,” he continues, and Harry wants to stop him right there and then. Louis can’t blame himself for that. He doesn’t interrupt, though, as Louis looks at him almost with an exasperated face, silently asking Harry to let him speak. “I put the blame on you and that’s the worst fucking thing I’ve done. I made you believe you needed to go, and still, I blamed you for going.”

This time, when Louis stops to catch a breath, Harry takes the opportunity to speak up.

“Louis, that’s not true. You didn’t make me go. I chose to go. You can’t blame yourself for my decision. I should’ve listened to you and considered our options.” He sounds almost desperate, wanting so bad for Louis to stop excusing his own choices.

“Unconsciously, I did, Harry. I got so focused on worrying about how we’d be able to support ourselves, about wanting to secure a good life for us. I convinced myself I was doing all that to prepare ourselves to get married so that eventually we could move out, maybe find a better place to live, have a nice car and all that white picket fence thing that everybody dreams about... but why? Was that ever our dream, our plan, Harry?”

Harry shakes his head. They never dreamed of those things. They had been completely content with their flat, living in London, close to everything and everybody for the time being. They weren’t in a rush to build a family. They were still in their early twenties, that was far from what they wanted. Sure, they talked about having kids, but not in the immediate future.

Louis bites down at his lips watching Harry attentively. “So why did I build this inside my head? And when it looked like you didn’t see yourself building that life at the same time as me, I blamed it on you. I blamed it on thinking that you were the one who wasn’t satisfied with what we had, and that’s why you wanted to go away to explore things you couldn’t with me 'cause I was too scared.”

Harry wishes he could’ve seen the signs in Louis back then. He wishes he could’ve seen how scared Louis was. He wishes Louis would have told him that he was scared. Harry never imagined Louis felt so much, worried so much back then, because he always looked fine, always looked happy. They were happy together. It was only when the opportunity for Harry to be away appeared that Louis started to voice his insecurities, and yet, he still concealed his true fears so well that Harry couldn’t see all the signals Louis never really sent.

“And why was I too scared? I shouldn’t be. I shouldn’t be afraid to take chances. And that’s why I’m mad at myself 'cause I literally told myself ten years ago ‘take chances, don’t let anybody dictate what you do with your life’ and I did the complete opposite. I let everything else in my life get inside my head and I didn’t do the things that I wanted. And that extended to you, I also deprived you of the things you wanted to do, even though you said that you didn’t need a grandiose life.”

Harry lets out an involuntary laugh. If Louis thinks he’s the one who betrayed his own self, what does it say about Harry? What does it say that he went after what he said he didn’t need? Louis can keep saying that it might’ve been his fault, but Harry’s priorities shifted too, and not because of Louis. 

In the end, what Harry’s grasping from everything is that the only one to blame is life.

“That’s not your fault, Louis, stop. Don’t you see we didn’t consciously decide to change?” Harry bites down on his lips, frustrated. “Life happens. Adult life happened to us and we changed thinking we were doing what was best.”

“Yeah, maybe, but… we were doing it inside our own heads. And somehow, we didn’t check in with each other to know if that was what we wanted. I wanted to give you this grandiose life, I wanted you to feel like you didn’t need to worry so much, but in the end, the opposite happened. And when you went after that on your own, I just got scared that I wasn't enough for you or that I couldn’t live up to your expectations.”

Louis’ eyes look so dejected that it cuts right through Harry. 

“You were always enough, Louis. How could you think that?”

Without even noticing he’s doing it, Harry leads one hand to Louis’ knees, placing it there gently. 

It startles Louis though, Harry can see by the way his eyes widen. But he doesn’t mention it, and neither does Harry take it away, only giving him a squeeze when Louis sighs heavily.

“'Cause I was working my arse off, and you still wanted to go, Harry. I mean, in retrospective, I’m happy I worked my arse off 'cause it got me where I am today. I was able to support myself after you left, and now I’m pretty comfortable where I am in life. I have a great fucking job even though it’s a pain in the arse sometimes,” he chuckles very shortly. “I can’t take it for granted, the fact that I had something secured for me. And in a way, I lucked out, yeah, but… I wanted all of that with you.”

Louis’ hand comes on top of where Harry’s resting and it makes his heart skip a beat. It barely stays for a second, though. Louis pats it and squeezes it so quickly that it almost feels like it burned him to do so.

“And thinking about all of this, after reading a letter I wrote to myself ten years ago,” he continues as if nothing’s happened and Harry takes that as his cue to retrieve his hand. He places his elbows on top of his own knees and interlaces his fingers, playing with his rings as he regards Louis. “Only now I can understand, only now I can make sense of what really happened,” Louis lets out another self-deprecating laugh. “I worked so hard, Harry. Yeah, I did therapy, tried meditation even, tried so many different things and none of that worked out for me. I couldn’t even analyse myself and understand what was going on in my life 'cause I shut all of this out. I didn’t let others in to help me because I didn’t want to expose myself or admit so many things to myself. And now, almost five years later, because of a fucking letter, I can finally see what went wrong with me, with us.”

It still hurts to hear Louis say that there was something wrong with him. It’s not right that Louis wants to find one single reason, one person to blame it all on why everything went to shit with them when, in reality, it was a mix of so many factors.

“I chose to blame it on you instead of looking at myself, Harry, and I know that plays a big part in how things ended with us. So, no, I’m not mad at you. I don’t want you to think I’m angry about remembering how much we loved each other. That’s… I’ll never regret that.”

It’s the first time Harry sees Louis' expression softening, with a tentative smile on his lips. Harry smiles back, coyly, not sure what to reply, not sure if he can even say anything in a way that won’t show the feelings that surfaced again with those letters.

“If you think that I want to scratch all we’ve been through together, the bad and the good... Harry, that's not it,” Louis continues, his eyes shining nostalgically. “I’m sorry that I’m like this, with so many layers of self-protection that I closed myself off and made you think that I want nothing to do with you. I’ve already told you, that’s not it at all. I cherish everything that we’ve had. All I’m saying is that you don’t need to worry about me being mad at you. And you don’t need to feel guilty about your letter. Because…” he sighs, tired, “it’s in the past. We’ll always regret things that we did and didn’t do anyway, and there’s nothing we can do about that. And now that I can be mad at myself for the right reasons, maybe I can move on from all of this.”

Louis lets out a long breath, and Harry can see how he finally relaxes. Harry wants to relax too, but still, he feels the need to reassure Louis that he can’t carry the weight of their mistakes. 

“Louis, please, don’t put the blame all on yourself. Don’t do that, 'cause I did that before and it’s not something you want to carry for so long. And I wouldn’t, in a thousand years, say that you were the reason why everything happened the way it did, no.” He makes sure to look Louis directly in his eyes to convey exactly what he’s saying. “I completely admit my share of blame too. I also forgot about the things that I wanted. If we put the cards on the table, we’ll see how wrong we both were.”

He looks up at the blue sky briefly, collecting himself to try to find the best way to explain his point of view.

“When we think about all of this… Yes, we loved each other, Louis. That’s not where we went wrong. We understood and we cared for each other, but we didn’t voice so many things. I can see now that we mostly assumed we were always thinking the same thing. I thought going away to finish my Master’s was important and that you’d support me 'cause you always did,” he pauses shortly, chancing a quick glance at Louis, to see him with a lopsided smile. “But when you didn’t, I couldn’t understand why 'cause I thought we were heading in the same direction. And yes, you told me after that we weren’t on the same page, but still I didn’t understand why we weren’t, and that’s because we were so sure we always wanted the same things.”

Louis looks away from him for a moment and it tugs at Harry’s heart to see his words downing on Louis.

“And because of this miscommunication, or, lack of, we acted the way we did. That’s where we fell apart and our egos got in the way of our relationship. We didn’t talk, Louis,” he laughs humorlessly, “I mean, we talked a lot, we always did, but not about what mattered 'cause we always thought we were doing what was right for each other and we simply expected the other to be on board with it. The biggest problem is that in our heads, it looked like they were the same things, but they weren’t, and we never talked about finding a common ground to grow together.”

Admitting it all, finding the mistakes they made but were too blind to see before, it hurts so much, but also, it feels liberating. This is not something Harry realised just now. He also worked a lot with himself in therapy to understand where their relationship fell apart. It’s easier, though, to put all the pieces together when he can finally get Louis’ side.

“So, don’t blame yourself and don’t think that you pushed me into doing something, 'cause you didn’t. I changed my perspective too, we changed, life changed and…” he lets out a shaky breath, “thank God it did because that’s what life’s supposed to do. We’re also not the same people from when we broke up or from when we got together, Louis. I can put a lot more things into perspective now than I did when I was twenty-three, or when I was eighteen. I might be older and wiser now, but I still don’t know what I want,I still don’t know if I’m doing the right thing, if I’m on the right track or whatever. But we need to stop holding ourselves accountable for everything that’s gone wrong. We gotta let go somehow. Some things are just out of our control.”

And that’s the truth. Once Harry realised that he couldn’t keep blaming Louis for what went wrong, for how Louis reacted, and that he couldn’t keep blaming himself for choosing the wrong words and for hurting Louis… it was easier for him to make peace with their break-up. It might’ve taken longer for Louis to realise that, and even now it might take a while for him to stop feeling guilty about it all, but it’s a step closer to letting go of their past.

Louis nods and Harry feels a tad lighter as they share a look again. He never expected to have an easy conversation with Louis, but this was a lot more than he thought was going to happen.

“I know it’s not easy to come to terms with everything that happened, but I still want to apologise for making you go through all this whirlwind of things and feelings. That was never what I expected these letters would do. To be honest, I didn’t really know what I was expecting with my letter,” he admits, a bit embarrassed. 

Louis snorts and Harry blinks in confusion at him.

“Funny thing is that I knew exactly what I was going to find in mine. I just locked it all away to avoid blaming myself for how I’ve felt, and yet… here we are. Not only did I read it, in a twisted masochist way, I also made you read yours.”

“Louis, you’re not–” Harry tries to interject but Louis shakes his head, this time passing a hand over his forehead, massaging his temple.

“I... punish myself for things I can’t control, Harry. And the irony is that with us, I actually punished you for what I couldn’t control 'cause I didn’t want to admit I was wrong. So,” he runs both hands through his hair, exhaling loudly as he looks up to the sky, resting his hands on his neck, “clearly I still need to sort myself out. And that’s so fucking hilarious since I should be an expert on the mind and I can’t even figure out my own.” 

He closes his eyes for a moment and lets his hands down, lacing them under his chin, turning to look back at Harry.

“I understand everything you’re saying, Harry and I still need to wrap my mind around it all. I want to make sure you understand I didn’t storm out because I was mad at you and our stupidly in love eighteen-year-old selves. That was me just mad at myself for realising what a complete idiot I’ve been all along. But, it is what it is and all I gotta do is look forward, and as you said, we gotta let go.”

Harry understands Louis and he wants to move forward too. He wants to go all the way forward and leave the pain and uncertainties behind. It feels easier to move on knowing that the letters didn’t make Louis loathe him, although it unfolded so many other things they weren’t ready to face. It also feels easier to look at Louis again. He doesn’t feel so guilty for feeling so much. Even with how much they have unloaded, he can appreciate Louis for finally being honest, seeing the way he’s grown and matured in the past years. He’s grateful that they can finally sit, talk and now understand better how they ended up where they are. 

He also understands that Louis is this complex person, not so easy to decipher even if he once thought he knew Louis better than he knew himself. There are so many parts of Louis that he will never be able to completely reach. So, to move on and move forward, but still have Louis in his life, he has to accept this and give Louis time to figure himself out. He admires Louis for being able to see beyond their break-up and wanting to finally leave it all behind.

“I also want to move forward, Louis, and as we said yesterday, I just hope this whole thing won’t get in the way of that. I truly miss you,” he confesses again, not shy to do so. “And that’s not 'cause I just read a letter about how much I loved you. You were my best friend, I could never forget that. I got so lost without you that I completely isolated myself from everybody else. I miss having someone who understands me, who gets me completely. Besides our relationship, you were the person who knew me better than anybody else. I know those letters had embarrassing things that we’d rather not talk about, but–”

At that, Louis briefly looks away, coughing into his hand, making Harry cut himself off.

“Er, yeah. I’m sorry for cutting those things out, and for making you not mention them either. It’s just… I don’t mind reading about how much we loved each other but the reminder that we lost our virginity here is something that I’d rather… not open that rabbit hole. Not that I’m embarrassed about it, no.” He shakes his hands in front of himself, defensively.

“I– I understand, Louis, that’s no problem,” Harry reassures him. That’s a can of memories that feels even stronger than the reminder of everything he and Louis had hoped for and promised in those letters.

“It’s...” Louis continues, sighing, almost defeatedly, “it just hits harder than everything else 'cause, after that day, I thought I'd never find anybody else but you, and thinking about how I still can’t open myself emotionally to others… It’s a lot.”

It still stings to know that somehow they ruined each other so deeply like that and Harry hates himself that the one thing his mind goes to, the solution that could fix them is the very same thing that got them in this mess – he and Louis together.

“We don’t– we don’t need to go there, Louis. It’s okay, I completely understand what you’re talking about. It’s hard for me too.”

Louis nods as he puts both hands inside his shorts pockets, casting his eyes down. “So if we could get past that as well...”

“Yes, of course we can. I think it’s just better for both of our sakes,” Harry laughs in a flustered way.

Louis bits down at his lips and clears his throat, turning back to face Harry. “So, are we cool? I mean, we, as Harry and Louis? Me, as Louis, I know I still have a lot to work out with myself, so… don’t think it’s anything personal with you, Haz. It’s not.”

Harry knows it’s not and he’s willing to give Louis all the time and space to find his own peace of mind.

“I think we can be fine, Lou.”

Louis finally opens a genuine smile at Harry.

“I’m sorry, one more time. I didn't mean to make a scene again.” He shrugs apologetically. “I just needed time to put myself back in place. I didn’t want to ruin anything else. I don’t want the lads to think that the rest of the day is ruined now.”

That’s what Harry doesn’t want to happen either. He thinks about Liam, Niall and Zayn back in the lake and how much time has already passed. They must be worried if they haven’t sneaked to check on them at some point.

“How about we get started on lunch, then? And we can try to get back on track and we can all go home feeling better, with no tension,” he suggests. He feels like he and Louis have reached an understanding, and have already said most of what needed to be said. They can get back to their friends feeling more relieved now.

“If I bring up the X-Factor thing with Niall, I guess the tension will be all gone,” Louis jokes and that’s all Harry needs to know that he and Louis are alright again. “I mean, did he ever mention that before? That kid’s brain…” Louis shakes his head, chuckling.

“No, I don’t think so! I guess there’s a lot about Niall we don’t know.” Harry laughs along.

“Yep, he still surprises me every day.”

Louis smiles at him, a tired but soft smile that makes Harry’s heart melt. He takes one more long breath to control his heartbeat.

“So, just to check… we’re cool then?”

“Yeah, we are, Haz.” 

He can feel his stomach fluttering with how Louis looks at him, his blues eyes so comforting, so honest.

Gulping down to gather himself, he starts to get up. “I think I’ll get back inside then. You coming?”

Louis looks up as he digs inside his pocket, taking out his cigarette pack and the lighter.

“I’ll just have another fag and I’ll be there.”

Harry nods, already making his way back inside the house. He’s almost at the door when Louis calls him one more time.

“And Harry?”

He turns back to see Louis already with the cigarette between his fingers. “Yeah?” 

“Thanks for… listening and not judging me.”

If Harry were brave enough, he’d run back to Louis, making him stand up, look right into his eyes before kissing him to take away all Louis’ doubts and insecurities. But he can’t. He can’t screw anything up after everything they’ve talked about. So he resigns to tucking his feelings back inside and putting on a brave face.

“I’d never, Lou. Thank you for understanding me as well. I’ll see you inside, okay?”

Louis nods, placing the cigarette between his lips and lighting it up.

Harry breathes in and out heavily before he enters through the door again to find the rest of the boys.

*

Harry’s hopes that things will go back to normal during lunch actually do come true. 

After he leaves Louis outside and finds the other boys still waiting by the lake, he gets a chance to explain to them that things were fine.

They were all concerned, of course. Niall’s so distressed and has apologised so many times for making them read the letters out loud that Harry feels genuinely bad for his friend.

“Niall, it’s okay. We both kinda knew what we would find in the letters. We chose to read them,” he reassures him.

“Yeah, but still doesn’t change the fact that I’m reconsidering my entire life and want to bury my head in this open hole.”

“No need to be so dramatic, Horan.” Zayn pats him on the back. “If Harry says he’s fine, that he and Louis are okay, then we just have to believe it and make sure we don’t cause any more embarrassment.”

“You guys don’t need to worry, really. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Unless you all want to talk about Niall and that X-Factor thing,” he shifts the conversation. The last thing he needs is for his friends to be careful around him and Louis. The worst has already happened. All that’s left for them is to enjoy the rest of their time together. So, making them laugh at Niall’s expense is the strategy, and it works as they work to close the hole, putting the rocks back on top of the area, and then going back inside to have lunch.

While Harry prepares some pasta, the boys keep talking in the living room. Louis is still outside and only joins them when Liam offers to get him to come back inside.

He looks more collected, although Harry can notice that he might’ve cried. His blue eyes are gleaming sadly, but Harry doesn't comment on it and neither do the others. They only ask if he’s feeling better and when he dismisses their concerns, they all sit together to eat at the dining table with light conversation about the letters but consciously not bringing up Harry’s or Louis’. Still, they can laugh at themselves for the contents of their letters. 

The atmosphere starts to feel lighter as they discuss what they have ahead of themselves for the week, and already making plans to get together more often. Harry’s heart calms down, knowing that even if things didn’t go out as planned, it hasn’t been a complete disaster. Being reassured that the weekend has been great for everybody and that they missed hanging around like old times is all Harry hoped for. And it feels even more reassuring listening to Louis being enthusiastic about it all, laughing together with his friends and even sending Harry some comforting smiles every now and then.

Harry’s glad that they finally lifted all the obstacles that were standing in their way to be in each other’s life again. And it’s a relief to confirm that despite (but also because of) everything that has been said this weekend, Louis still wants to have Harry around. Two days ago, that was so far-fetched and now it’s a reality. He can go back home and maybe think about texting or even calling Louis and Louis will be okay with that, will even do those things himself. 

It won’t be something easy and natural to get back to, of course, but Harry’s hopeful that with baby steps and time, they will find their way back to a normal friendship.

They spend the rest of the afternoon talking and also finally playing some FIFA before it starts getting late and the boys have to gather their things and pack everything to go back to London. They offer to help get the place in order but Harry says he has no rush with it since he’ll be heading to his mother’s later and probably will only get back to London the next morning.

It’s around 5 pm when everybody is ready to leave. Harry’s standing by the front porch, watching each one of his friends put their things inside their respective cars. 

“Harry, thanks for everything, really.” Liam approaches him after closing Niall’s trunk. “Say thanks to your mum and Robin for letting us have the bungalow.” He opens his arms and Harry accepts the invitation to hug him, receiving a tight squeeze.

“Will do, Li. Thank you guys for showing up, really.” He pats Liam on the back, letting go of the embrace. “Sorry for anything, really.”

“Nothing to apologize for, H.” Niall appears from behind Liam. “We should be saying sorry for any discomfort.”

“We’ve already settled this, Ni. It’s fine. No hard feelings about anything, right?” Harry smiles at him and glances around to look at everyone. Zayn is standing by the hood of his car and nods at him. Louis is by his open driver door, having a smoke and smiles back at Harry.

“We’re cool, yeah. Can’t wait for next time. I’ll call you all up on a pub night!” He comes closer to Harry to hug him goodbye too.

“Don’t forget Zayn’s promise to get us VIP tickets for his next gig too,” Harry jokes as they part.

Zayn laughs and makes his way closer to Harry. “I didn’t say it’d be the next gig, but yeah, I’ll arrange that for you guys soon. I’ll see you all around. Don’t let the group chat die.” He throws an arm around Harry’s shoulders, giving him a quick sided-hug, then shakes hands with Niall and Liam.

“Looking forward to that, Malik,” Louis finally speaks as he finishes his cigarette. He closes his door and takes a few steps closer to them, patting Zayn on the back. He stops next to him, standing for a moment there with both hands in his pockets.

There’s a beat of silence where Harry only looks at Louis, not really sure what to do or say.

It’s not awkward anymore between them, but still, he doesn’t think he’s ready to say goodbye to him.

It shouldn’t be awkward that Niall, Liam and Zayn share an unspoken look as if collectively agreeing they should give Louis and Harry some time to themselves.

“So, let’s get going?” Niall claps his hands and then squeezes his hand on Louis’ shoulder. “See you all in London soon. Take care on the road, lads,” he says his farewell and starts walking back towards his car.

“See ya, Horan. Payno, please don’t let Horan take care of the playlist this time,” Louis laughs as Liam walks to him to hug him goodbye.

“Oh, I’ve had enough of Niall’s music taste for a lifetime. It’s my turn now, definitely.” Harry watches as Liam and Louis hold each other, the hug lasting a moment longer as Liam says something to Louis in a low voice that Harry can’t catch. “But take care, Tommo,” he tells him at last as he distances himself and turns to Zayn. “You too, Malik. Let us all know when you’re finally home.”

“Will do, Dad!” Zayn salutes him as Liam makes his way to Niall’s car. “And you two… I don’t need to lecture you, right? Take care too, see you soon.”

Harry doesn’t even know what to say as he watches Zayn give them a smug smile as he walks towards his own car, getting ready to go.

The two cars then start driving away and they all wave from inside the vehicles. Harry and Louis wave back as they stand watching their friends leave. It’s only when they have passed the gravel entrance that Louis turns to Harry and Harry feels his body shake.

“Everything okay?” He asks, biting his lips, not sure what to do or how to ask why Louis decided to stay behind.

“Yeah, I… I just wanted to give you a proper goodbye without making it weird for the others again.” Louis finally steps closer to Harry. “And say, for the millionth time, and I hope for the last, I’m sorry.”

Harry tilts his head, catching a long breath.

“Louis, please. You don’t need to. We’re fine.”

“I know, but I didn’t want to leave the same way I came here.”

Harry shakes his head, looking down. It feels like a lifetime ago even though it’s been only two days. He almost forgot that Louis had barely greeted him on Friday night.

“So,” Louis’ voice feels closer to him, and Harry looks up to find Louis standing right in front of him. “This isn’t awkward, right?”

“No, it’s not,” Harry lets out a short laugh and steps down the porch. 

“Thank fuck,” Louis sighs and throws his arms around Harry. 

It catches him off guard for a moment and he doesn’t know what to do with his own hands. Louis is enveloping him the same way he always did, one arm around his shoulder and the order around his waist and Harry feels like a puzzle piece that finally found its missing pair. He lets himself soak into the feeling.

Last time he hugged Louis, it was standing on the street outside the tube station almost five years ago, and still, it almost feels like it was yesterday. He allows himself to finally hold Louis back properly, feeling exactly the same way he did that night, as if he’s too close to something that he used to have, but at the same time uncertain of where this is going.

“Thank you, Haz, for this weekend. It… it had its ups and downs, but I’m glad we had the opportunity to talk,” Louis says by the foot of his ear, and Harry lets his warm breath laced with nicotine embrace him too.

Without meaning to, Harry feels himself squishing Louis tighter. “Thank you, Lou, for listening to me.” He inhales deeply, catching the scent of Louis’ shampoo and aftershave, feeling the barely-there scratch of Louis’ beard against his skin, realising that this is the first time all weekend he’s allowed himself to get physically close to him.

The way they had touched hands earlier didn’t compare to this. It was tame, and Harry almost felt he wasn’t allowed to touch Louis. Now, it’s different. It feels like Harry’s whole body is alight, alive again. He’s afraid that if he lets go, Louis will dissipate in front of him and he’ll wake up from a dream.

“We’ll keep talking, eh?” Louis asks, and Harry’s stomach almost drops. It hits so close to their break-up, to how Harry wanted some reassurance that he wouldn’t lose Louis completely back then.

“Of course,” Harry swallows down the words, closing his eyes and feeling Louis hold him tighter. “Whenever you want, Lou, I’ll be there for you.”

It’s the way he feels Louis inhale deeply, the way he can feel Louis’ heart beat fast against his chest, the way he can feel Louis’ hands clench and unclench against his shirt that makes him think that Louis is not ready to let go of him just yet. In the same way, he doesn’t want to let go of Louis either.

“Me too,” Louis says after a beat and finally starts letting go, putting a distance between them again. “I’m here for you, Haz.”

Harry smiles, trying to tame the way his own heart is beating when he looks at Louis’ eyes, the blue shining in a way that Harry hasn’t seen in so long.

“I gotta get going then,” Louis clears his throat. “You’ll be fine here?”

“Yeah, sure. Don’t worry.” Harry scratches the back of his neck nervously, not sure if he can keep looking at Louis. “Be careful on the road, will ya? Let me know… let everyone know when you get home.”

“‘Course.” Louis nods. “Be safe here then. See you around, Haz.” He waves coyly as he starts walking back to his car.

Harry waves back before crossing his arms across his chest. “Bye, Lou,” he manages as Louis is already in the driver’s seat, closing the door. Harry watches Louis get the car running, manoeuvring it to head to the entrance.

Just before he goes through the open gates, Louis honks shortly and waves one last time with his arm sticking out from the window. 

Harry smiles to himself and lets out a heavy sigh, finally turning back to the house when Louis’ car is out of his sight on the private drive.

Once back inside, he lets himself lean against the closed front door.

What a fucking long day.

He closes his eyes, trying to collect himself. He feels like he can finally rest and take in everything that has happened this weekend, in the past 24 hours, and just a few minutes ago.

What was that with Louis anyway? He can’t fucking make sense of it. Not that he’s complaining, but Louis didn’t need to stay behind to talk to Harry, to hug him as if that hug made up for the past five years.

Because that’s how it felt for Harry. 

It makes it all even more confusing considering the turmoil Harry has felt since he first read the messages in the group chat. As the weekend went by, all his hesitation around Louis as well as the pull he felt towards him and the guilt for feeling it, along with the relief of knowing that he and Louis could be fine… it all came crumbling down at that one hug, as if none of that really mattered. Because when it came to Louis, there’s only one thing Harry’s sure – he still has strong feelings for him. He still wants to hold on to those feelings, to Louis.

This realisation is too heavy on him, because how can he and Louis move on? How will he be able to see Louis again when he’ll have to suppress all of it, will have to pretend that being just friends with Louis is enough?

But is it? Is it enough for Louis to be just friends with him too? Harry’s not sure what to make of that hug. Maybe he’s projecting his own feelings into Louis’ gesture. Maybe he just wants too bad to believe that he’s not fooling himself that he desperately wants Louis to feel at least one ounce of what he’s feeling. 

That’s a dangerous route to go, though. He needs to simmer down and focus on controlling his expectations and feelings. He doesn’t want to scare Louis off now that they just started getting on the right foot again. Maybe with time, he can learn how to handle it and even come to the conclusion that all of this is temporary, that it’s nostalgia and homesickness from what he and Louis once had. Maybe this will all go away once he normalises having Louis back in his life.

With that in mind, he opens his eyes and takes a look around the empty house. 

It’s calming, but at the same time, it makes him already miss the company of his friends. He hopes that as he starts gathering his own stuff and puts the place back in order, it will feel less lonely and it will help him occupy his mind to avoid overthinking about his and Louis’ situation.

Almost an hour passes by and Harry barely feels it as he cleans up the house, even if before the boys went away they tried to clean up a bit after themselves.

When he’s already downstairs working on the dishes in the kitchen, he hears some noise coming from the front of the house, a car parking on the gravel driveway. It startles and confuses him. It’s been almost an hour since everybody left, who would be back? 

Quickly checking his phone to see if anybody has texted him, he doesn’t find anything from any of the boys. It makes his heart pound against his chest, wondering if anything happened or if anybody forgot something he hasn’t found yet.

Making his way to the door to see who has arrived, he almost jumps back when Louis appears coming inside.

“Louis?” Harry leads a hand against his chest, trying to calm himself. “What… is everything okay? Did you forget something?” He knows he sounds frantic, but he’s genuinely confused about what's going on right now.

“Oh, er... no, not actually.” Louis closes the door behind himself and looks at Harry with an uncertain expression.

“Okay?” Harry’s still puzzled. “Is there anything… do you need help with anything?” He doesn’t know what to say, can’t figure out why Louis would drive back, after almost an hour, only to stand by the door, barely looking at Harry.

He shakes his head and finally takes a step forward. “I’m not sure.”

Harry wants to scream. What in the fuck is Louis doing? 

“Louis, I… I’m really confused right now.” Harry exhales tiredly, pinching the bridge of his nose.

He doesn’t feel like he has time to go over whatever Louis is up to, not when he had just started to forget his own confusing thoughts and feelings. He walks back to the kitchen to grab a glass of water for himself, not waiting to see if Louis will follow him. He doesn’t really need to because he can hear Louis’ footsteps behind him.

“I’m sorry.” He hears Louis say as he pours water for himself. “I’m confused too.”

Harry turns to face Louis. He has both hands inside his pockets and Harry’s starting to get more angry than confused.

He takes a long gulp of water to calm himself and find the courage to confront Louis in the best way he can. “What do you… mean? I’m at a loss here. Do you need help with anything to go back to London? Did you actually forget something? Do you have something to say? Please, tell me, because you’re scaring me right now and I don’t know what to do or say if you keep being so enigmatic.”

Louis looks down at his feet and shakes his head, taking a deep breath. “It’s… funny, you know,” he says, still not looking at Harry. 

“I– I don’t see what’s funny, Louis. If you don’t explain it to me.”

At that, Louis finally looks up. Harry feels a thrill in his body with the way Louis’ blue eyes stare at him, so confident, so different from just a minute ago. Harry leans against the kitchen counter placing his glass there.

“I mean, it’s funny to me. The more I think about it, the more I want to laugh at myself. Or punch myself in the face.” He shakes his head and lets out a faint laugh.

Harry crosses his arms across his chest, trying not to stay mad at Louis still being so fucking evasive. Louis notices Harry’s annoyance and inhales deeply, looking at the ceiling and then exhaling and staring directly at Harry again.

“It’s… I was fine, Harry. I really was. I left and as I got inside the car and started driving, I told myself that it’s gonna be fine, that I could make sense of everything that happened this weekend, that I could deal with all these feelings one day at a time. I was ready to hit the road and clear my mind and just drive to forget I was alone with my own thoughts. And I usually do it while listening to music, so I put on a new album that just came out from a band I like, DMA’S.” Louis’ mouth turns into a faint smile when he speaks, but it goes away quickly as he licks his lips. “I had listened to it once or twice before but never really paid attention to the lyrics, to what they meant. At least when I listened to it, they didn’t have any meaning to me… until now.”

Harry furrows his brows still waiting for Louis to elaborate, but he’s not angry anymore. His heart, though, has started beating faster again and he’s not sure he’s ready to hear where Louis is going with all this.

“Almost every lyric felt like it was shouting directly at my face as if they were taking everything I had tucked inside and spilling out what I didn’t dare to say out loud, didn’t want to or wasn’t ready to.”

Taking one hand from his pocket, Louis runs a hand through his hair, pushing his fringe away from his forehead for a moment, which makes his eyes pop out even bluer than they are. Harry can also see that Louis is apprehensive, but he doesn’t seem to let it affect him completely. He seems confident enough to keep talking.

“And I had to pull over to take it all in and make sense of what it meant to me, and what I really wanted to do. I didn’t make it far, Harry. I turned back around once, but decided against it, and kept driving away, but something…” Harry sees the way he gulps down nervously, his other hand fidgeting with the hem of his shirt before he takes a deep breath to continue, “was still pulling me back here, and I don't know how many times I went back and forth like that. I was afraid to know why I couldn’t just keep going, but I had to figure out why I got stuck thinking about you, and how maybe I still haven’t said everything I wanted to. Or that maybe you also still have something to say to me.”

Louis’ eyes are so blue, with such an earnest glint Harry almost feels like Louis’ looking inside his soul. 

Harry blinks at Louis’ straightforwardness and conviction. He knows what he wants to say to him, and he thought he had done a good job of hiding it from him, of hiding the fact that he still feels something that could be worth saying. He’s not sure that’s what Louis thinks he has to say, though. Nothing in any of their previous conversations has given an opening for that. And if Louis is expecting Harry to say any more from everything they’ve talked about, then Harry can’t really help him with that.

“Louis, I thought we’ve already talked enough. I– I know that what we’ve been through hasn’t been easy, but we… we said we’d be alright. We don’t need to talk more about that right now.” He tries to reason. He can’t think of what type of song Louis listened to that prompted him to want to discuss even more their situation, but it certainly has shaken Louis to his core that he felt the need to.

“That’s… that's not what I meant. I think we’ve had enough of that talk for the weekend. I don’t wanna talk about the past again, not right now. But I do want to talk about _now_. I want to talk about what you meant with that hug.”

If Harry wasn’t leaning against the counter top, he’s sure he’d lose his balance and fall behind.

“What did you mean with that hug, Harry?” Louis doesn't even give Harry time to find a word to say. He continues, taking a cautious step closer. “It’s been an hour since I’ve left and I can’t stop thinking about that hug, about you. What the fuck is wrong with me? How can a few songs make me think about you so much, and not just about the hug, but about everything that happened this weekend and how maybe…” he lets out a short laugh, “maybe I don’t want things to stay this way. That maybe I don’t want to hold on to promises and to the memory of a hug that made me feel like I want more than that, that maybe you want more than that.”

It takes Harry’s breath away to hear Louis voice the same thoughts he’s had, the same doubts he tried to suppress. He almost feels his head spinning, not able to fully process that Louis is actually saying all of this.

“And I tried to convince myself. I tried to tell myself that I was being too stupid, that I was getting ahead of myself, that I had imagined it all, but… I couldn’t, I can’t. Not when I think about everything I felt these past days. I tried so hard to keep old feelings locked inside. I told myself that I wasn’t gonna let myself feel anything, that I couldn’t anymore but the reality is that, if I’m being honest, I never really stopped. And how do I control something that was never really gone in the first place? I put my walls up, I pushed you away, I was a fucking jerk to you. And still, I couldn’t ignore you completely, I couldn’t put those feelings behind. ” 

Harry’s throat closes, remembering Louis’ hot and cold behaviour towards him. He had already come to terms that it was Louis trying to protect himself from meeting Harry again. Hearing Louis confess that it’s deeper than that is more than he thought he could take.

“It was as if I was brought right back to how we first started, to how we were when we were together. And how could that be possible when I could see you trying so hard not to take a wrong step with me, trying to keep your distance? That’s ‘cause I saw you failing miserably, ‘cause I could still see right through you. I could still read you and your emotions as if not a day has gone by in five years.”

If Harry could run and hide, he would, but his feet are planted on the floor. 

How could he be so stupid to think that Louis wouldn’t notice him? When so many times, it felt like their connection hadn’t been broken. Louis is just better at concealing his true feelings because he doesn’t wear his heart on his sleeve so easily, when on the other hand, Harry knows he can’t hide his emotions from many people. Louis has never been one of them.

“Am I wrong? Did I miscalculate this? Because that’s the question in the back of my head that almost stopped me from turning around and coming back here. But I needed to know. I need to clear this once and for all, right now. Otherwise, I’m sure if I went back to London without coming clean, I’d lose the courage to do so and I’d carry all of this doubt and assumptions until I saw you again. And it would become a vicious cycle, it would eat me alive. So, tell me, Harry. What was that hug about? What was this whole weekend about?”

It’s the way Louis asks, almost demanding, almost begging that makes Harry feel like he’s a deer caught in headlights. It’s the way he knows he can’t lie to Louis that makes him even more nervous to admit it all.

He unfolds his arms and leans away from the counter, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, hands going to his waist. It’s his time to look up to the ceiling now, trying to find the words to say.

“It was… it was me trying to hold onto what you were offering me, Lou.” He feels his eyes sting, but he takes a sharp inhale, swallowing dry and finally facing Louis. “You offered me your forgiveness, you offered to accept me back into your life, you offered your friendship. And if that was all I was gonna have, then I was gonna hold on to it, 'cause I never expected more from you, even if…” he can feel his voice shaking but grounds himself and holds his gaze on Louis. “Even if what I feel is more than that. Even if everything I’ve felt this weekend has made me go back to being eighteen, twenty-one, twenty-three and being so in love with you. Even if I’d have to tuck it all inside and find a way to be okay with only being friends with you again. 'Cause that was enough. That was more than I ever expected to get from this weekend. And so, I tried to take what I could from that hug, and I ended up receiving more than I bargained for, 'cause… you… you messed me up too, Lou.”

The confession makes him feel relieved, but his chest still feels tight. His heart still won’t slow down, even with the way Louis looks at him, almost softly with his head slightly tilted, absorbing all Harry’s saying.

“You messed with my head this whole weekend, and I tried to tell myself it was only because of how hard it was for us to be in the same place again after so long, but you…” he chuckles, frustrated, “you were more confusing than you ever were. I wanted to believe that you didn’t feel anything for me anymore. But the more we spent time together, the more I remembered why I fell in love with you. And the more I learned about this new version of you, the more I started feeling like I could fall again,” he lets out a long exhale, almost feeling lighter to say it out loud. “But I couldn’t let myself 'cause I was sure you’d never feel the same again. I hurt you so badly in the past I didn’t think I deserved you feeling anything for me anymore. But your actions kept misleading me and I didn’t want to fool myself, so I accepted everything you offered me. I believed every word you said, tried to understand how you felt about us and respect that.” 

It hurts to admit it all, but Harry reckons it’s now or never. If Louis can admit how he feels, he can too. He doesn’t want to hide anything anymore. He needs Louis to know that he’s willing to be there for him, whatever way Louis wants it. And finding out that Louis probably wants more, he can finally open up and also ask for Louis’ honesty.

“You gave me a hug, and I felt at home again. I felt like I had found again what I had been missing. But I didn’t want to take more than I could get, so I let you go. I let you go even though I felt you didn’t want to let go. Why didn’t you want to let go, Lou?”

He sees the moment Louis holds his breath and his eyes widen a bit, as if Harry’s words just hit him, as if Harry’s just brought down his walls.

“‘Cause I felt the same, Haz,” Louis says, though, sounding completely open, no emotions hidden. “‘Cause I felt your heart beating so hard against mine. ‘Cause you said you'd be here for me and all I could think was that I do want you here, but not for me, with me instead. ‘Cause I didn’t want to let you go, not again.”

Harry’s legs almost give out, but he has the mind to rest his back against the counter again to find his balance. He feels he needs more than that to steady himself, though, because Louis strides the distance between them, getting into Harry’s personal space and catching Harry so off guard he can’t even respond to what he’s said.

“I still don’t know what I’m supposed to do, Harry. All I know is that I’m tired of not feeling anything. And with you, I felt it all again but… there’s so much, we have so much between us and I don’t wanna…” Louis sighs and casts his eyes away from Harry, chewing on his lips, both hands going to his hips, fingers tapping against his waist, like he doesn’t know what to do with them. “I can’t dive into something that I’m not sure, even though you’re the only thing I’ve always been sure of. It hurts that we’ve lost ourselves along the way, that we lost our focus, and because of that, I’ve closed myself off to anything serious, afraid to get hurt again. I didn’t let myself find anyone like you. Because the truth is, there wasn’t. There would never be anyone like you.”

His voice almost breaks at the end, and it tugs at Harry’s heart. He can’t believe he fucked it so bad for Louis. But also, he can’t let Louis think that he’ll hurt him again.

With his hand shaking, he slowly reaches out to Louis, almost afraid to touch him. He tentatively holds one of Louis’ hands, smoothing it as he opens his palms up and laces their fingers together. Louis lets him, looking up at him again.

“I’m sorry I made you feel this way, Lou. But if it’s any consolation, I felt the same. You were it for me, always was. I still feel you are. I don’t think I’ll ever feel what I did with you with anyone else. And I know it’s bad. I know it might not be healthy to feel this way, but… I do. Everything I feel for you, it’s true. It all became true again this weekend.”

Louis shakes his head, sadly. “That’s what I’m afraid, Harry. That this is just a fluke. That we got caught up in our old feelings for the weekend. That it’s our heads messing up with us 'cause we had all this baggage behind us.”

With his other hand, Harry touches Louis’ chin, making Louis face him completely. “Lou, we’ve had five years to let go of the baggage, do you think anything we felt for each other is just a fluke if we’re here now?” 

Louis doesn’t need to voice his answer, the way he squeezes Harry’s hand does it for him. The way his eyes shine makes Harry get lost in them, in a way that warms his heart, in a way that Harry could always tell when Louis was saying he loved Harry.

“We might have done things wrong before. I know we didn’t deal with it all in the best way, but… we tried to make things right for ourselves, and even then, we ended up here,” he continues, sadly but resolute on what he wants to say. “We can choose to let go of everything, and move on, but I don’t wanna let go. If you’re not sure what you feel right now, if it’s real or not, I don’t judge you. You can leave, and we can try to continue to be friends the way we said we would. But speaking for myself, I can’t back down now. I’ve denied my feelings and lied to myself for so long. But if you do decide to go, know that I do love you. I do feel so much for you.”

He still tries to be reasonable and give Louis an option, time to consider what he really wants. He doesn’t want either of them doing something they are not sure. He looks at Louis with the most sincere eyes, hoping Louis will take his words and decide what to do with them.

His decision comes faster and bolder than Harry’s expecting. In a heartbeat, Louis steps completely into Harry’s space and Harry doesn’t even have time to say or ask anything, because Louis is letting go of Harry’s hand, bringing both of his to rest on Harry’s neck, tugging Harry closer to him, their lips meeting halfway.

It’s like a bolt of lightning running through his body. Harry can feel a shiver from head to toe. At the same time, he’s never felt more relaxed to feel Louis’ lips against his and Louis’ hands on him, the sensation making him close his eyes.

Louis’ hold is soft, but he presses against Harry’s mouth as if he needs the contact to make sure it’s really happening, that it’s all real. Harry can help with that.

His hand is already on Louis’ face, cupping his jaw and tilting Louis’ head so he can angle their mouths better, giving space so he can move his lips against Louis’. His other hand goes to Louis’ waist, fingers digging into the curve.

That makes Louis sigh against Harry’s mouth and part his lips. Harry completely sags into Louis’ body, pressing closer and asking Louis to deepen the kiss. Louis nods and that’s all encouragement Harry needs to let go and kiss Louis with intention, to feel Louis completely again after so long.

He can’t remember when was the last time he kissed Louis like this. The last kiss they shared was chaste, a kiss goodbye that carried so much resentment and unsolved arguments.

This right now feels like dissolving all of that and finding their way back to each other, meeting in the middle, completing and complementing their feelings.

It makes Harry’s stomach flip. It makes Harry feel like he’s seventeen, kissing him for the first time on Louis' birthday after spending the night cosied up under the blanket. It makes Harry feel like he’s eighteen, kissing Louis in the middle of a crowded The Script’s concert and asking him to be his boyfriend officially in the most cliché way. It feels like Harry giving himself completely to Louis ten years ago in this same bungalow, knowing that he was Louis’ and Louis was his. It feels like he’s twenty-one, kissing Louis at the top of a lighthouse and promising to be his for the rest of their lives. 

It makes him feel even more sure that he’s never stopped feeling a damn thing for Louis. 

They kiss until their lips feel numb, until he feels Louis getting under his skin. He could keep kissing Louis like that for longer if both of them didn’t need to come up for air.

Louis breaks the kiss first, but gently. He pecks on Harry’s lips softly, moving slowly towards his cheek, jaw, to the foot of his ear, down his throat. Harry has to inhale sharply to control how his body reacts to it.

“Lou…” He calls, feeling his voice hoarse. He squeezes Louis’ waist and that’s enough to bring Louis attention back to him.

“Hi,” Louis says, and Harry almost wants to cry with the way Louis is smiling, both with his lips and his eyes.

“Hi,” he replies, caressing Louis’ cheek with his thumb. He knows he’s smiling too, bigger than he can contain himself. “Is this alright?” He checks because he needs to make sure that Louis is certain of what just happened.

“Harry, I kissed you. It’s more than alright.” He snorts and adjusts himself against Harry’s body, both his arms going around Harry’s middle. 

“Just making sure.” Harry kisses his cheek and nuzzles his nose against Louis’ skin, placing small kisses down his throat. “Not that I’m complaining. I just… don’t wanna rush anything or make you regret doing it.”

Louis shakes his head and tilts it to the side, giving Harry more room to kiss. “I wanted to do it, Harry. I wanted to do this from the moment I stepped through this door. On Friday.”

Harry freezes and puts some distance between them to properly face Louis.

It feels like a movie scene playing inside his head to remember that he, too, knew that he was doomed the moment he laid his eyes again on Louis that night.

“You…” He can barely let it out and doesn’t even have time to say more, because Louis is locking their lips again, shutting him up.

“I’m a fucking mess, Haz,” he says, catching his breath and looking at Harry again. “The moment I saw you, there was no turning back for me. I knew it. I just decided to give myself a harder time. I’m an arsehole, we both know that.”

Harry shakes his head and pulls Louis into a hug, nesting his head on the curve of Louis’ neck. “We’re both arseholes.” He lets himself inhale Louis’ aftershave without guilt now, knowing that he can bask into it for as long as Louis will let him.

He freezes again at his own thought, and he can tell Louis notices when he lifts his head to get a better look at Louis.

“What?” Louis asks, brows knitted.

“What happens next? What do you really want, Lou?”

Louis lets out a shaky breath, almost blowing raspberries. “I… still don’t know.”

Harry bites down at his own lips, nervously.

“But that doesn’t mean I’m not… sure. It’s a lot, Haz. Let’s admit it, but I don’t want to let go either. It might be selfish, it might go wrong, but… I think I– we deserve something out of this after everything. I don’t think I can go on with my life after everything you’ve said to me, knowing that I feel the same, and just let it all go, let you go.”

Harry nods. “I get it, yeah. Again, I just want you to be sure this is what you want. Whatever you want, I’ll have it. I don’t want to let you down again. Whatever this is, we can work out learning from what we did wrong. Just tell me, Louis. Talk to me about what you want. That’s all I’m asking.”

“We won’t make the same mistake again, Haz.” 

Before Harry knows it, Louis is kissing him again and Harry simply lets him. 

He lets Louis do anything he wants. He lets Louis take him by the hand and lead them to the couch in the living room, lying there with him just kissing for hours as if it will make up for all the years they’ve missed each other. He lets Louis drag him upstairs to the master bedroom, making a mess of themselves as their naked bodies explore each other again, relearning one another, as they get each other off because that’s all they can do at the moment to release the want and need that started to grow. He lets Louis convince him that it’s too late to go back to his mum or even to London, deciding then to spend the night there, talking about nothing and everything under the moonlight washing over the room through the wide windows until they feel too sleepy and end up falling asleep in each other’s arms.

It might be too soon to talk or think about the future. They still have a lot to work and figure out, but if this is how Harry can imagine what it holds for him with Louis again, he’ll take it and he’ll hold on to it. Just like he feels Louis’ hold on him as he slips into sleep, just like he’s felt so many times before.

He doesn’t intend to let go of it so soon. He’s sure he won’t. He has a feeling Louis won’t either.

It will be alright. They’ll be alright.


	5. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here comes the awaited epilogue!  
> Today's my birthday but you, amazing readers, are the ones to receive the gift!  
> Thanks again, so much, to everyone who kept following the updates and those who waited until this was complete to read it! It means a lot that you've given this story a shot!  
> On another note: This fic is semi-betaed and eventually it will be properly betaed. I'll add a chapter to let people know when that's fully done. If you want to give this another read when it's all neatly edited, subscribe to this work to get a notification, or follow me on tumblr! :)
> 
> Thanks so much again, I hope you'll enjoy the final ride xx

_I’ll rewrite this whole life and this time there’ll be so much love, you won’t be able to see beyond it_

**Warsan Shire,** **Backwards**

**July 27th, 2020**

There’s a brightness reaching Louis’ eyelids that makes his mind start to awaken.

He screws his eyes shut first, not wanting to open them just yet. He shifts into the surface he’s lying on, feeling the softness underneath his body.

He feels light, relaxed even. That’s new. That’s something he hasn’t felt in waking up in a long time.

At the same time that he doesn’t want to wake up, he actually wants to. He just doesn’t want to find out that again, his body and brain are betraying him in making him awake at an ungodly hour. But he does want to know where that source of brightness is coming from. He wants to know why he feels so relaxed.

He takes in a deep breath and starts to change his position, only to realise there’s a weight on him that prevents him from moving. 

At first, his mind goes straight to Clifford, but it can’t be. Slowly, his brain catches up with where he is, with what happened.

Opening his eyes, he’s faced with a head of chocolate curly locks lying against him. 

He looks at the extent of Harry’s body covered with the thin white sheets. He reaches the end of the bed, noticing how they have their legs tangled and realises that’s what’s preventing him from moving, along with the way that he has his arms around Harry’s middle, spooning him from behind.

So, that’s what happened.

Carefully, he tries to untangle his arms from Harry without waking him up. He sees Harry’s bare chest move softly as he breathes quietly still in sleep.

That’s a sight he never thought he’d see again. But despite all the odds, here he is. And despite everything he has fought against in the past week, Harry’s body lying half-naked beside him doesn’t make Louis enter in panic mode.

He chose that. He chose to come back to Harry. He chose to open his heart to Harry. He chose to kiss Harry. He chose to give himself to Harry again.

And Harry chose him too, taking all of his fears and insecurities away.

Louis lies on his back, running both hands across his face, scrubbing his eyes to wash away the sleepiness. He breathes in deeply again, closing his eyes and threading his fingers through his hair, trying to ground himself.

There’s a lot to unpack from last night, from the weekend. He knows he and Harry have already talked about most of it, but Louis can’t deny the nerve wracking sensation he’s feeling in the pit of his stomach.

He opens his eyes and finally takes a look around the room. The wide window is letting most of the daylight illuminate it, even through the curtains that are semi open.

The sun looks to be shining too bright already and that confuses Louis. What time is it anyway?

He sits on the bed, trying to find his phone, but it’s probably discarded along with his shorts on the floor. He looks past Harry, wondering if he has his mobile on the bedside table by his side, but before he can spot it, he sees Harry opening his eyes.

“Hi,” Harry says, voice hoarse from sleep, with a lazy smile on his lips, his green eyes still puffy and heavy.

Louis can’t help smile back at him.

“Hi,” he replies as he watches Harry turn his body completely on the bed to face him properly.

Without hesitation, Harry takes Louis’ hand in his, bringing it to his lips to place a gentle kiss on top of it as he intertwines their fingers.

“Did you sleep well?” He asks and Louis has a hard time focusing because, how can such a simple and delicate gesture make his insides melt?

“Incredibly, yes.” He moves to lie down again and when he shifts closer to Harry, he kisses his bare shoulder. “Er, what time is it?”

He sees Harry smile bigger as he feels for his phone on the other side of the bed. He reaches it on the bedside table where Louis was about to look, and turns the screen for Louis to check it himself.

“Hm, 7h46,” Harry says as he locks his screen, letting his phone fall on top of his stomach. He yawns, letting go of Louis’ hand and stretching out his arms before looking back at Louis. “What?”

Louis is paralysed for a moment, trying to digest that information.

“I’ve… it’s been a long time since I’ve slept past 6 o’clock,” he explains, noticing how Harry’s intrigued by his reaction.

“Maybe that’s just because you felt worn out by yesterday?” Harry offers, but there’s no malice in the way he says it.

Louis shakes his head. “No. I mean, I don’t know. I’ve had busy days and nights out that tired me out, but never… I could never sleep this long for a long time, Harry.”

He tries to make sense of it. It’s not so hard when he’s always known the source of his insomnia.

It started just after Harry went to the States. He was always restless, thinking about their unsolved situation, how they could barely talk, and the damn time difference. Also, the lack of Harry’s presence beside him in bed, something he had grown used to for the five years they had been living together added for Louis to start having trouble sleeping. Once they broke things off, Louis thought he’d sleep better. Once Louis shut Harry completely out, he thought all his problems would go away. How wrong he was. The insomnia lingered and he had to learn to live with it, just like he had with the absence of Harry. He had already resigned that it would be a fixed thing in his life. He didn’t think that with one night sleeping with Harry by his side it would suddenly fade away.

“Well,” Harry regards him with the softest eyes, “let’s hope this is good news, then. I’d keep suggesting you try yoga and meditation with me to help with that, but maybe that’s for the best that you don’t.” He sends Louis a smile that makes Louis roll his eyes.

He doesn’t even have time to say anything in return, because before he knows it, Harry has both hands on his face, cradling him and bringing him into a quick kiss.

“Morning,” he says, between small pecks. It makes Louis’ stomach flutter and he can’t believe he’s feeling like he’s eighteen again, just like he did when he woke up with Harry for the first time in their dorm flat in Manchester.

He places a hand on Harry’s chest and puts some distance between them.

“We should brush our teeth first.” He laughs.

“We should have breakfast, then brush our teeth.” Harry winks at him. “Then gather the rest of the things and get going. I set my alarm for 8 o’clock anyway just so we don’t lose track of time. I told Jeff I’d be at the office after lunch time, so…”

“You didn’t plan this out thoroughly, did you?” Louis sits up again, moving to get out of bed and fetch his clothes from the floor.

“You weren’t part of the plan when I told my boss that.” He hears Harry moving too, and looks past his shoulder to see Harry with an arched brow at him.

“It’s my fault we’re getting late, now?” Louis shots him a questioning look.

“It always is,” Harry replies, with a smug grin and Louis can hear the nostalgia in his words.

They are far from where they used to be, but it doesn’t feel heavy to banter like this. 

It’s a start, Louis knows. He doesn’t know if it will be a slow or fast one, but they agreed to take their time. They agreed to go on at any pace they feel most comfortable with and that’s what Louis will hold on to.

He’s still not sure if his impulsive decision to go back to Harry was the right thing to do, but that’s what his heart was telling him, even if it was only to find closure on whatever feeling he thought he still had. What he found was more than that. It was a beacon of light at the end of the tunnel. It was the first blank page of a new book that he hopes they will fill in the right way this time, together.

If the familiarity of a morning routine, only the two of them, is any indication of what’s to come, then Louis can let himself be hopeful this whole thing might turn out okay for them.

They leave the bungalow almost an hour later. Louis doesn’t want to make Harry even more late, so he decides to head to London on his own as Harry goes back to his mother’s house. Even with everything that’s happened with them, he’s not sure that facing Anne and Robin just yet is a good idea.

There will be plenty of time for them to find their footing, to first see where this thing is taking them, to then find their way back into each other’s lives completely.

It’s scary to think about bursting the bubble they’ve been in the past couple of days, in the past few hours. It won’t be easy to go back to reality and try to work things out again. But Louis is confident that they’ll be alright.

It’s easier to think that they in fact will when he finally looks at his phone, already in London. He stops at a red light and sees a text from Harry.

**H. Styles** **2h ago**

_Can’t wait to see you again, Lou  
Let me know when you arrive safely back home  
xx _

Louis knows there’s a silly smile on his face as he reads the notification.

He types a reply and sends it before the light turns green.

 _Already in London!_ _  
__I’ll see you soon, Haz x_

The next opportunity he has to look at his phone again, he makes sure to change Harry’s contact name back to “Haz”, as it should never have changed.

Starting afresh and all that jazz. 

Louis is all in for that.

**December 12th, 2020**

“C’mon, Lou, you gotta let me decorate the flat, just a bit,” Harry says as he waits for Louis to open the door.

Louis fumbles with the key as he takes off his gloves, finally pushing the door open. 

“I don’t see the need. I won’t even be here on Christmas day.” He steps inside, taking off his shoes.

Harry follows him, closing the door behind them. He takes off his coat and beanie, hanging them on the coat rack and leaves his boots beside Louis’ sneakers.

“It’s about the festive feeling, babe. Remember when we used to have so much fun decorating a tree before?”

Louis remembers it well. And that’s the exact reason why for the past five years he didn’t find any cheerfulness in decorating his flat for the holidays. He knows it’s irrational, but his broken heart spoke louder than his brain trying to find reasoning.

Five years ago, Louis didn’t feel like putting a tree or any Christmas light up inside the flat, because what was the point? It didn’t feel the same without Harry. He was sad, that was the truth, and not even the holiday spirits could lift his own. It got even worse after he told Harry to get out of his life for good. Any thread of hope or happiness had completely dissipated from him, and that left a mark. Every December that followed was a reminder of the fight they had, of the messages Harry had left. It was far from the joly season everybody talked about. He shouldn't let his bitterness got in the way of him enjoying the date and also his birthday with his family, though. That's why the moment the holiday breaks at Uni started, he’d go back to his Mum’s, avoiding his flat at all costs.

This is the first time in all those years that Louis is allowing himself to stay. Because he has a reason to stay this time. He’s still going to Doncaster to spend it with his grandparents, but only on Christmas day. Harry convinced him to spend his birthday together and who’s Louis to say no? So until then, Louis still has about two weeks to untangle all those sombre feelings he has attached to the month of December, replacing it with new ones, with Harry again.

He’s been working on that a lot. It’s been a long five months, but five months that are paying off with lots of therapy again and lots of talks with Harry to understand who they are now and what they want. Louis is still healing, still learning, but he can already see the progress.

If his therapist saw the conversation he’s having with Harry now, though, he’d probably ask him to take a look back and think of why he’s so reluctant to simply decorate his flat for Christmas.

“And you’ll still be here for a while before you have to go, Lou,” Harry continues when Louis’ only answer is to nod and hum. They start making their way into the living room and Clifford is already meeting them halfway, probably coming from the bedroom. “Also, it’s about that comfortable feeling of seeing a tree with tinsel and ornaments, of seeing the lights flicker at night while drinking eggnog. Has Clifford ever seen a Christmas decoration, Louis?” Harry sits down on the couch, leaving the gift bags he’s carrying by his side as Clifford settles between his legs, already asking Harry to scratch behind his ears. Louis watches as Harry does it while nuzzling his forehead against Clifford’s.

Louis sighs, taking off his coat. “Of course he has. I’ve taken him with me to Mum’s before. I’m not a bad father, who am I to deprive my boy from Christmas joy?” He stops by the couch, putting his coat over the arm, regarding the scene in front of him – Clifford licking Harry’s face and Harry giggling in return.

It warms his heart every time he finds both of his favourite boys cuddling like that. It didn’t take much time for Clifford to warm up to Harry, of course it wouldn’t. The first time Harry had been back at Louis’, the weekend after the bungalow, Clifford was sceptical for about five seconds when Harry stepped through the door. Once he got closer and sniffed his shoes, he was already getting up on his paws to demand Harry to pet him. Louis wonders until this day if somehow Harry’s smell was already familiar to Clifford, if somehow something still lingered in the flat that made Clifford instantly attached to Harry. 

Or if it was simply because he knew how important Harry was to Louis. His dog could always tell – that’s why he never got too cosy to any other bloke Louis had ever brought home, even as easy to appease as the dog always was with anyone else.

“So, let’s do it for Clifford, how about that?” Harry looks up to meet Louis’ eyes, winking at him.

“For Clifford, yeah.” Louis rolls his eyes sarcastically, and Harry opens a full smile at him.

“Your daddy loves you so much, Cliff!” He nuzzles his face against Clifford’s fur and the dog barks at him, pulling away and coming to Louis’ feet. “So, where’s the Christmas stuff?”

Louis pets Clifford’s head and walks closer to Harry. He moves the gift bags to the coffee table so he can take a seat. “I guess I put everything on the top compartments in the closet. I haven’t touched those things in years. Hope there isn’t mould in them.”

Harry turns to him and pecks his lips quickly. “I’ll check that. And if there is, you can always borrow some from me, or we can use the opportunity to buy new stuff, then.” He’s already standing up before Louis can say anything.

Clifford barks again as Harry walks past him to go to the bedroom.

“That’s what I get for letting him take over my life again, Cliff.” Louis shakes his head and starts taking the gifts from the bags to sort them out and wrap them properly. Clifford jumps on the couch and places his head on Louis’ lap as he works on the presents for his family.

They had a good time going around London to do their Christmas shopping that Saturday afternoon. It was mostly Louis’ turn today, since they had done Harry’s the previous week. Moments like this when they do ordinary things together, plan things together, that’s when it hits Louis how much they are already part of each other’s lives in only five months. It doesn’t scare him, though. It didn’t even scare him in the beginning when they started to find time for each other, to make room for themselves in each other’s lives again. It was only proof that Louis didn’t make a bad decision and that things really would work out for them when they worked on the right things and talked about what needed to be talked about. 

It also doesn’t scare him how much space Harry has already taken back into his flat, seeing how settled and at home Harry feels there. They haven’t talked about moving in together again though. Some things are still too soon to talk about, even Louis knows that. But still, it feels lonely when Harry has to leave whenever he comes by and it’s only Louis and Clifford again. It doesn’t feel right either every time he also has to leave Harry’s flat and by the time he gets home, there’s a message from Harry saying that he and Felix are already missing him.

But Louis reckons that’s what relationships are supposed to look like. It’s weird because with him and Harry, they were always there with each other before. Now, they are learning to take things at another pace, to appreciate more the time they have together, and how to be their own person when they are away from each other.

Right now, having Harry in his bedroom looking for Christmas decorations feels like something that is both nostalgic and new, and that’s one of his favourite feelings when it comes to Harry.

“Hm, babe?” He hears Harry calling him from the room.

Before he can even reply, Clifford’s lifting his head and barking. “He’s talking to me, you oaf.” Louis chuckles as he stops wrapping Lottie’s gift to scratch Cliff’s chest. “Yeah, love?” He speaks loudly, hoping Harry will hear him.

Harry doesn’t reply. Instead, Louis hears him coming back to the living room and lifts his gaze to find him standing between the bedroom door and the coffee table.

“Did you find the stuff? Did you find any unwanted spiders or bugs in there?” Louis asks, a little concerned for the way Harry’s looking at him and how he’s holding both his hands in front of him.

“Yeah,” he answers, not sounding too cheerful. “I mean, I found the Christmas stuff. No bugs. But I also found this.” He opens his hands to show Louis a small wooden box.

Louis feels his heart skip a beat when he recognises the box. 

He knows he should say something, but he’s too stunned to find the words, to explain himself. Does he even need to give an explanation? He doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do.

“I’m sorry, I probably shouldn't have found it,” Harry speaks when Louis still can’t open his mouth, watching him carefully make his way to the couch. The only thing he can do is pat the seat where Clifford is to command the dog to jump down, giving the space to Harry and leaving the living the room. 

“You– Harry, no,” he finally manages as he looks from Harry’s dejected expression to the box in his hand as he takes the seat by his side. “I mean, it’s not your fault. I didn’t even remember I had put it there.”

Harry casts his eyes down at the box, running his finger over the engraved anchor and rope on the lid.

“You kept it,” Harry says so low Louis almost doesn’t catch it.

Louis closes his eyes for a moment, breathing in to collect his thoughts.

He didn’t know what to do with the ring when he realised Harry had left it on the coffee table that night. At first, he tried to throw it in the trash, flush it down the toilet, throw it out through the window, but he couldn’t do it. It didn’t sit right with him to throw it away, even if that ring represented everything that had been broken between them. When he calmed down later and finally went to his bedroom to sleep, still holding it, he searched for the one thing he knew Harry had also left behind. Rummaging inside the drawers of the bedside table on Harry’s side of the bed, he found the wooden box. Harry never used it after he put the ring on the string, but he had kept it, almost as a relic. Louis put the ring back inside it, necklace and all. He thought about shoving it back inside the drawer, but he would know it was there. It was an easy place for him to open and face that damn thing again. The one place he knew he wouldn’t look would be on the top parts of the closet, along with all the other things Louis stocked there that had no use for him anymore. He threw it there and promised himself he wouldn’t look there so soon.

And he hasn’t. Not in five years. 

“I threw it there so I wouldn’t have to find it again, that’s the truth, Harry,” he confesses, opening his eyes to find Harry already facing him. “I didn’t know what to do with it. I guess I lied when I said I didn’t care what you did with it, because even though I never wanted to look at it again, I didn’t have the courage to throw it away. I could’ve, but I didn’t.”

“I should’ve left it there, I’m sorry.” Harry shakes his head, leaving the box on his laps and reaching his hand out to get a hold of Louis’.

“I truly forgot it was there, Haz. There’s nothing to be sorry about. It’s… fine. I mean, I haven’t thought about it, not even all this time we’ve been together. It’s… something from our past that’s still here, like many other things, but that doesn’t mean what it meant before,” he sighs, squeezing Harry’s hand.

“I know. It just caught me off guard, I guess. I wasn’t expecting to ever see it again.” Harry lets out a long breath, sliding closer to Louis and bringing their intertwined hands to his lips. “Do you… do you want me to get rid of it?” 

Louis almost lets go of Harry’s hand abruptly in surprise, but Harry can sense the way he tenses up. 

“I mean… it’s not… it’s not important anymore, right?”

It’s the way his voice carries so much sorrow that makes Louis untangle their hands, only to cradle Harry’s face and make him look right at him.

“Hey, none of that, love,” he tries to reassure him. “Just because it doesn’t mean something now, doesn’t mean it’s not important, Haz. There’s no use getting rid of it now. We got past so much only to get here and discard this as if it never meant a thing? Of course it’s something that marked us, but also… it’s yours, Harry. It’s always been.”

He brings Harry’s face closer to his, resting their foreheads together, his eyes looking at Harry’s green ones, seeing the way they fill with tears. He doesn’t want Harry to get sad over this, because they shouldn’t. They shouldn’t keep looking at their past, mourning every bad thing that happened. They learned better than that. 

“It’s as much yours as the keys to the flat are, still,” Louis continues, trying to reason. Because it’s true. About two months ago, Louis had to go to a conference for a week in Birmingham and asked Harry to take care of Clifford for him. He was ready to give his own keys to Harry to come as he pleased when Harry told him that he still had his own set with him. It was a delicate thing for them to go through and for Harry to confess he didn’t have the courage to give it back to Louis himself or ask someone else to do it for him. But they came around that with Louis joking that it saved them from spending money to make him a copy. They completely moved on from that and today, Harry’s still carrying that same key with him.

The ring shouldn’t be different than that. The key was a symbol of home for them, and Louis made Harry feel at home again since day one. The ring represented their promise and commitment from the past, and Louis can’t see why it can’t represent how committed they already are to each other now.

“It’s more than that, Lou, you know it. I don’t wanna… I don’t wanna carry something that will weigh on what we’ve just started.” Harry shakes his head slightly, closing his eyes for a second.

Louis takes the opportunity to lock their lips, pressing hard against Harry’s mouth, making sure to convey he’s not afraid of anything. Harry kisses him back, leading his hands to hold Louis’ wrists. Louis savours the taste of Harry’s tongue against his, savours the electric thrill that kissing Harry always gives him, knowing that Harry’s feeling the same.

“It doesn’t need to mean that, Harry,” he says as they part. “It just has to mean that… I loved you so much before, and that I do love now, that I’m relearning how to get there again. It doesn’t mean we’re rushing anything. We’re not committing to anything bigger than we have to. It’s a ring that was always yours, love. That I want to be yours again. That’s all that is.”

Harry nods, smiling faintly as he looks back at Louis. He kisses Louis’ lips again in a quick peck, and brings him into a hug.

“Are you sure?” He asks against Louis’ neck.

Louis holds Harry tighter. “Of course.”

Harry lets go of them, getting the box in his hands again, finally opening it. He pulls out the necklace and the silver ring dangles from it.

He stares at Louis again with a soft smile. Louis takes Harry’s other hand, squeezing it.

Before any of them can say anything, Clifford appears into the living room again, this time with a string of green tinsel around his body.

Louis can’t help laughing at the sight. “Guess someone found the Christmas decor by himself.”

“I left everything on the bed, sorry ‘bout that.” Harry shrugs, letting go of Louis’ hand and patting his thigh for Clifford to come closer. “C’mere, boy.”

Clifford does and headbutts Harry’s hand that’s still holding the necklace.

“Guess he also thinks you should keep it,” Louis says, watching his dog lick Harry’s hand.

Harry turns back to look at him, handing the necklace towards Louis. “Will you do the honours?”

Louis nods and feels a shiver go through his spine. It shouldn’t feel so heavy to place the necklace around Harry’s neck again. The memory of how he had done it once before, all those years ago, comes back too fresh, though.

Back then, he couldn't have imagined that things would go so wrong with them. Now, he does his best not to dwell on that. Whatever has to happen with them, it will, and Louis knows both of them will keep trying not to make the same mistakes again. 

They are already on the right path, Louis thinks to himself as they collect themselves, things going back to normal, and Harry finally places all the Christmas decorations around the flat.

The joy and love he sees through Harry’s eyes as they put on a Christmas playlist to play and the way Clifford’s so excited with the tree that he almost knocks it down is enough to warm Louis’ heart and to wish for anything but this exact feeling for more Christmases that are to come.

**April 4th, 2021**

“I’m so happy for Sarah and Mitch today. I don’t think anybody ever thought they would actually have a traditional wedding, but can I just say I envisioned all of this the very first time I saw them talking to each other at the office?”

The guests laugh around Louis and Louis shakes his head, nursing his beer bottle before taking a sip.

He knew Harry wouldn’t be able to contain himself from mentioning how he had basically set Sarah and Mitchel up in his speech. Louis has lost count of how many times Harry mentioned it to him. It happened before he had even introduced Louis to his coworkers, and again when they had finally met at a gathering from Harry’s law firm. He told him one more time when they heard about their engagement, and just for good measure once again when he had received the invitation for the wedding and Mitchel asked Harry to be his best man.

And now here they are, with Harry still mentioning it at their wedding. 

Which, for Louis, seemed to be the fastest wedding to ever be planned. Harry had told him about their engagement in January. It’s April and they are having a small ceremony at Sarah’s parent’s cottage, with mostly family and close friends. Nothing too fancy in terms of decoration and catering, so maybe that’s why they set the date so close after the proposal. Or maybe that’s just Louis’ brain comparing it to his and Harry’s own engagement that had lasted over two years and that they had never really set a date for, always postponing it.

It’s not too often that he thinks about it, because it doesn’t matter anymore. He learned to separate their past relationship from what they have now. But moments like this makes him realise that they weren’t really ready back then, even if they loved each other more than anything.

Watching Sarah’s and Mitch’s faces at the makeshift altar in the backyard and how they looked like the definition of happiness (Louis doesn't think he ever saw Mitch smile much all the times they’ve met, but today, that man looked like his face would break for smiling so big the whole time), he finally understands that sometimes, it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together with someone. The right moment will come if both feel prepared for it.

Looking at Harry talking in front of all the guests in the small space separated for the reception, noticing how stunning he’s looking in a greenish grey suit with a white lapel on his jacket that highlights his face and his own green eyes, his curls not completely tamed but styled to the side, Louis feels an unparalleled type of love for him.

It’s only been nine months since they’ve been together again, and it still astonishes Louis every time there’s this wave crashing over him for how much he feels for Harry, for how certain he is that he won’t be able to go through all of this with anybody else. They are at a stage that they don’t feel insecure anymore about what they have, wondering if they are doing something wrong. They have their ups and downs every now and then, of course, and they’ll have a small argument here and there, but that’s who they are together, who they’ve always been.

This time though, they know how to navigate through it and talk about what’s bothering each other and learn how to be better after that. Louis can see the differences from before. He can pinpoint the times he’s learned something new from Harry and understood things he didn’t before. He can voice things better to Harry, finding out how that’s also something new about him for Harry. And they keep going like that, growing as people and growing within their relationship.

If the way Harry speaks about love in his speech is anything to go by, Louis can almost certainly say that Harry’s talking about what he learned with him and it makes his insides feel like mush.

“I hope everyone in this room has already found someone the way Sarah and Mitch have found each other. If not yet, I hope one day you’ll have the opportunity to. I hope Sarah and Mitch keep finding each other, over and over again. I know it’s possible, because I have found that love for me too, against all odds and again after a long time. So, don’t give up on each other, even in the hardest times, because that’s when you’ll find the strength to anchor yourselves on your love. Choosing to fight for your love and choosing each other every day is what commitment is all about. I hope to see you choosing this love for many years to come, my wonderful friends. To Sarah and Mitchel! Cheers!”

Louis feels Jeff patting him on the back and looks at Harry’s boss to see him with a proud smile on his face. His wife Gleen is also looking at him with fond eyes as she rests her chin against her husband’s shoulder. He doesn’t look around the table to see the rest of Harry’s coworkers faces because he knows he’ll just feel too embarrassed under the spotlight. He takes his flute of champagne instead, lifting it as the other tables start raising their glasses to toast the end of Harry’s speech.

“To Sarah and Mitchel!” Everybody chants and Louis makes sure to look right at Harry only to catch him already staring back, winking at him.

Louis shakes his head one more time and takes a sip of his drink. Just like everybody else, he watches Harry making his way back to the table after hugging the bride and groom.

“That was a lovely speech, H,” Jeff says when Harry takes the seat beside Louis. “I wonder where the inspiration came from.” He arches one brow in a mocking way.

Harry plants a kiss on Louis’ cheek, draping one arm around his shoulder. “This man right here. I thought I made it obvious.” 

“This wasn’t supposed to be about us, Harold.” Louis rolls his eyes and fetches his beer bottle again to drink it.

“Oh, you want me to take it all back then?” Harry reclines against his chair, taking a good look at Louis.

“C’mon Louis, don’t say you didn’t feel even a little emotional?” Glenn teases.

Louis looks from her and Jeff back to Harry, who’s still sending him a challenging look. He wants to joke about it, wants to make a light comment on it, but he knows he can’t ignore the way Harry makes him feel and lie about it in front of others.

“He’s an insufferable romantic but I wouldn’t change it for the world,” he finally says, knowing that his eyes are shining as he scoots closer to Harry, kissing him on the lips.

There’s a whistle from the other side of the table. “Guess we already know who the next ones to tie the knot are.” 

Louis almost chokes on his own breath and feels Harry laughing against his lips.

“We’re in no rush here, Adam,” Harry replies calmly, pulling apart to look at his coworker, but not before leaving a kiss on Louis’ temple. 

Louis’ only reaction is to lead one hand down the table and rest it on Harry’s thigh, pinching it lightly.

Harry looks back at him with a reserved smile, one that’s only meant for Louis to understand that he’s saying “we’re alright, no pressure.”

He knows there’s no pressure. Harry has never pressured him into anything in this renewed relationship of theirs. And it’s not that he’s freaking out or anything about how Harry’s colleagues are making predictions about them getting married too. He’s not freaking out because he and Harry have already discussed it and said that they don’t need to talk about the long term future so soon. They prefer to take one day at a time, thinking about what can happen to them in a future that’s easier for them to envision. Louis knows it’s still early to talk about any bigger commitment because that scratches a wound that’s too deep for them. But he doesn’t doubt that the day will come for them to talk about that again, since he has a feeling that’s where they are heading anyway.

He can only speak for himself, but it feels that each day that passes, they take one step closer to not needing to wait much longer to hit a new milestone in their relationship. First it was meeting with each other’s families and receiving their blessing about them being together again. Then, it was the key to Louis’ flat – and Harry reciprocating it by giving a copy of his to Louis. After, it was Harry’s ring, and the way he’s worn it since then, even today, around his neck. And with all that, Louis can only see him and Harry getting closer and closer, to the point that he knows he already feels too codependent again as they spend more and more time together. To the point where Louis wishes that he didn’t have to go a day waking up without Harry by his side.

That’s a future that’s easy for him to imagine and that he knows it’s the same for Harry. They’ve already spent too many overnights together, whole weekends, and even normal weekdays at each other’s flats. There’s already a litter box for Felix in Louis’ flat and a bedside table on the side Harry sleeps full of his clothes and other belongings. And at Harry’s, there are too many dog toys and a section in his closet only for Louis.

The more these small things start to take up place in Louis’ life, the heavier their meaning become. And along with that, the bigger Louis’s feelings weigh, and he knows they are ready to take one next step. What they need is the courage to say it out loud. Louis knows from experience that they can’t just keep things to themselves and imagine a future only in their heads. 

When he looks around the small dance floor where he has Harry in his arms, swaying to _Lovesong_ , and watches people already starting to leave, he can see: Jeff putting his jacket over Glenn’s shoulders as he guides her to the exit, and Adam and his wife collecting their sleepy children from the chairs they had already been sleeping on, He sees them and knows that they will all go back to a home together, not needing to think about getting up the next day to leave for another place. That makes Louis sure he wants that for him too.

“Come home, Haz,” he whispers into Harry’s ear, his fingers playing with the ends of Harry’s curls.

Harry squeezes his arms tighter around Louis’ waist. “Yeah? I thought we were already going back to yours, babe.” He places a kiss on Louis’ neck.

“No.” He distances himself, able to look at Harry’s eyes. “Come. Home.” He inhales deeply, licking his lips.

Harry regards him with confusion. “What do you mean, Lou?”

Louis lets out his breath. “Come home to our home, Haz. Come home and don’t leave. Come home and wake up with me everyday. Come home with me, with Clifford and Felix. Make it our home again. I don’t wanna feel like I’m living half a life when you’re not there with me.”

Harry makes them stand still in the middle of the dance floor. His green eyes change from confused to hopeful and Louis can see his lips starting to lift, in a soft way, but completely. That full smile that Louis knows is stronger than Harry can contain, making his dimple fully pop on his cheek.

“Is that what you really want?”

Louis nods, and brings Harry’s face closer to his, his hands firm on Harry’s neck, resting their foreheads together. “I’ve never been more sure, love.”

“Me neither. I’m coming home to you, Lou.”

It’s the way they lock their lips and Harry moves their bodies back and forth again to the rhythm of the song, with Adele’s soft voice almost lulling them, that Louis feels more than complete. 

It’s the way he kisses Harry as if he can never let go of him again that he knows this is a promise they’ll work harder than ever to keep.

**September 28th, 2022**

The sudden weight and movement on the bed makes Louis turn on his other side.

He knows it’s not time for him to get up just yet. He knows it’s still too early because he felt when Harry had gotten up, as he always does. He felt when both Clifford and Felix jumped from the bed to follow Harry around. He also felt Felix coming back and nuzzling between his legs, like he normally does after getting bored when Harry doesn’t give him his full attention. 

That’s what he gets for having a boyfriend who will stick to his routine very strictly to do his yoga. Harry will wake up to the sunrise an hour before Louis’ alarm goes off, thinking he’s doing no noise at all not to disturb Louis.

The thing is, Louis’ attuned to Harry’s presence. If they are sound sleeping together in bed, Louis will continue like that. But if Harry dares to get up, it’s like Louis’ source of warmth is gone and he will wake up for a few minutes. But knowing he doesn’t have to get up until his alarm tells him so, he allows himself to fall back asleep.

Today though, it seems like everybody decided to make it harder for him to just get those extra moments of rest.

When he turns to the other side, it makes Felix stretch out on top of his legs and get up, walking over him to get out of the bed. He tries to ignore the movement and tune out anything else around him. It’s hard, tough, when he feels something touching his hands, in a delicate way.

He almost thinks it’s Clifford coming to lick his fingers, but then he feels fingers gently turn his hand, sliding something in one of his fingers, with a kiss on the back of his hand.

That alarms him and he slowly opens his eyes to find Harry holding his left hand. 

It takes one second for him to see a silver band on his ring finger.

His heart is already beating faster against his chest. 

“Harry?” He asks, his sleepy voice laced with nervousness.

Harry’s sitting on the edge of the bed, but moves down to stay on the level of the mattress and look Louis in the eyes. He’s wearing his loose tank top and there’s a hair clip holding his unruly curls together at the top of his head. He looks like every-other-day Harry Louis always wakes up to, but right now, those green eyes are looking at him as if Louis holds every single answer to the universe.

“I can’t find the words to describe how lucky I am to wake up to you everyday. I can’t explain why every time I look at you it feels like there’s a string that pulls me towards you. I can try to fool myself and say that you’re not the thing that completes my life everyday, but I know there’s no use. I knew it when I was sixteen, eighteen. I knew it when I was twenty-three. I knew it all those years I spent without you by my side. I was certain again two years ago, when I finally had you back in my arms. And I know it today, looking at you sleeping so soundly with Felix lying on top of you and your hand on him. I know we’ve had a long journey, but right now, right this moment is what I want to have for the rest of my life. I felt alone for so long, Lou, and since you came back, since we found our way to each other again, I don’t anymore, not for a single moment. It feels like home with you, it feels we’ve built a home again. I don’t wanna be without you. I never wanna be without you.. Will you choose me again? Will you choose me to stay with you for as long as you’ll have me?”

Louis listens to Harry with his heart stuck on his throat. He can’t voice his feelings. He can only look at this beautiful man standing in front of him, smiling dopely at him, asking Louis to choose him again, and wonder how Harry can even ask something like that when Louis always chooses him, chooses them everyday.

“Will you marry me?” 

The question seems to come out as a plea, as if Louis’ silence gave Harry the impression he didn’t understand what he was asking. His eyes are already teary, making the green glint in the purest way.

Louis leads his other hand to rest on Harry’s face, not containing himself from opening a smile as he regards Harry licking his lips nervously.

Harry shouldn't be nervous. There’s no reason why Louis will say no to him. But... is Louis able to say no? Does he even have the ability to say no to Harry?

“No,” he lets out and the word feels bitter on his tongue the second he says it.

In the same moment Harry’s eyes and smile drop and Louis quickly shakes his head, letting out a jittery laughter.

“I didn’t mean it!”

“Fuck me, Louis!” Harry lets his head fall on the mattress as he laughs, defeatedly.

“I wanted to know if I could say no to you, if I still had any free will when it came to you. But it feels so wrong, love. Me and my free will always choose you.” Louis moves his hand to tangle into Harry’ hair, massaging his scalp.

Harry lifts his head, letting out a shaky breath. “Don’t do this to me, Jesus Christ.”

Louis plants a soft kiss on Harry’s forehead. “I’m sorry, love.” 

“So, what’s the answer then?” Harry takes both of Louis’ hands into his, kissing the top of his fingers, looking at him expectantly.

“Yes, of course. Always. A thousand times yes.” He shifts closer to Harry, locking their lips, untangling their hands just so he can cup Harry’s face.

The excitement bubbling inside him makes a shiver go through his whole body.

“I… Love you... So much,” Harry says in between kisses as he hops on the bed, his body falling on top of Louis.

“You better,” Louis jokes, because he can’t stop himself. Harry stops kissing him to sit on top of his thighs with his brows arched at him. “Oh, you wanted me to say it back? Of course I love you, you helpless romantic.” He makes grabby hands for Harry to hold them again. 

“For a moment I almost took back everything I just said. I didn’t plan this all out just for you to snob me like this.” Even if Harry tries to say it with a straight face, Louis knows he’s mocking because he comes down to meet Louis’ mouth again in no time, pining Louis’ hands against the mattress.

Louis accepts the kiss easily, letting their tongues find the sweet rhythm they always do. Their hands find their way to each other’s body, exploring the curves they already know so well, and Louis knows he won’t be able to control himself much longer. So, he breaks the kiss, coming up for air to clear his mind.

“Since when did you have this planned?”

Harry’s smile is bright when he answers. “Since Italy.”

The fucker.

They went on holiday in Italy in August when they finally got some days off together. They spent two weeks road tripping the country, spending nights in airbnbs, or in a tent under the starry nights in some beach whenever they reached a coastal city. Those could’ve been a perfect opportunity for Harry to propose if he had been already thinking about it.

Louis knows the thought had already been swimming around his own mind for a long time. He just couldn’t find the courage to do it again himself. He knew it wouldn’t be like last time, he had already worked so hard to let go of all the trauma of their past relationship. And he and Harry have completely moved on from that in the two years they’ve been together. They are genuinely in such a good place that it feels like they already had a married life since moving in together last year. For Louis, there’s no need to make an official proposal again. In his mind, simply asking Harry if he wanted to go to the Register Office to get marriage on the paper would be enough.

He didn’t think Harry was planning on being sneaky and romantic for over a month.

“Remember that day in Venice, when you wanted to get a gelato and I told you you could go ahead while I looked at the stands at that street fair?” Harry continues, rolling off of Louis. “When we were walking around there before, I spotted a stand that sold jewellery and it had sparked my attention. I was seriously just looking at it for myself, but then I saw this,” he brings Louis’ hand up, making Louis finally take a good look at the [ ring](https://www.love2have.co.uk/images/ropework-ring.jpg), “and when I noticed all these ropes around it… I just… I could only picture the box you had for this ring,” he tugs at his necklace for a moment, “and I knew I had to give it to you, in the same way you gave me this.”

Louis can’t help but smile as he admires the ring and how it fits perfectly on his hand. “It’s beautiful, Haz. But why didn’t you give it to me when we were back there, then?”

Harry shrugs shortly. “I don’t know, really. I told myself I would do it soon, but I couldn’t find the right time to ask you while we were still there. I mean, there were probably perfect opportunities, with beautiful scenery, lots of chances for me to fully make a show of my romantic and sappy side,” he laughs when Louis rolls his eyes at him, “but... It didn’t feel right. It didn’t feel right until ten minutes ago when I saw Felix snuggled up to you.”

“I think ten minutes ago was perfect timing.” Louis can only bring their faces close again, asking Harry for a kiss that he knows wants to say too much and too little at the same time. “No better time to ask me to marry you minutes before my alarm goes off, and make me late to get ready for work.” He moves to make Harry lie on his back on the bed, climbing over him.

“Who said you need to be late for work today?” Harry inquires with a teasing smile.

“Oh, you thought you’d ask my hand in marriage and not have celebratory morning sex afterwards?” Louis is already taking off his sleeping tee and throwing it across the room. “Or we can just have a quickie in the bathroom, if you prefer. But I guess all my students will be very pleased if I arrive late today and I don’t think anyone will actually mind when you explain the reason why you’re also late at the office.” His hands are on Harry’s chest, skidding under his tank top and asking Harry to take it off as well.

“No, I don’t think anyone will,” Harry laughs as he complies.

Louis looks at Harry’s naked torso saved for the black tattoos scattered on it and his too smug face, feeling the way Harry’s already growing impatient under him.

“Guess we’ve just made our first joint decision as a re-engaged couple, then.” Louis dives back down to catch Harry’s lips on his, biting and sucking on them with intention. “Next thing off the list, choosing a date.”

He feels Harry’s hand come to his waist, squeezing it and then sliding to his lower back, fingers dancing to get under his briefs.

“I was promised celebratory sex first. We can leave that for later, smart pants,” Harry moans as both his hands grab Louis’ arse cheeks and Louis loses all composure, grinding down on Harry’s groin wantonly.

They can leave everything for later, Louis concedes as they get lost in each other.

They have time. They’ll have all the time in the world from now on.

**July 23rd, 2023**

“Goddamnit, why is it so hot?” Louis asks, pulling at the collar of his dress shirt. It doesn’t do much to relieve the heat since the bowtie around his neck doesn’t let him loosen it.

“Because it’s the middle of July,” Liam says by his side in a low tone, but laughing as he pats his back. “But it’s not so hot, Louis. You’re just nervous.”

“I’m not?” Louis clears his throat and gives Liam a slight shove on the ribs.

“Jesus, Lou, will you calm down?” Lottie reprehends him from Liam’s side. “It’s a beautiful and cool day, it’s not that hot anymore. You _are_ nervous. You’ve already talked about the heat more times than I can count today. You have to stop being so jitterish because Harry’s coming down in less than two minutes.”

“No need to worry, boo. Everything will be fine,” his mother says, squeezing her hand on his arm as she gives him a soft look.

That does nothing to help Louis cool down, literally and metaphorically.

Realistically speaking, there’s no reason for Louis to be nervous today.

It’s not like today is the day his and Harry’s life will change forever.

It’s not.

That day came in late October last year. It had been a month since Harry had proposed to Louis in bed and even though the promise to talk about setting a date was left forgotten on that same day, since then every talk they had about getting properly married made them realise that they didn’t really want any big celebrations for a wedding. Louis’ idea of simply being legally married was still very much standing. That’s why in the last week of October, he asked Harry what he thought of gathering all the documents they needed to head to the Register Office and Harry was more than prompt to say yes.

They didn’t even exchange new rings. Louis kept the one Harry had given him and asked if Harry preferred to choose a new one for him. Harry said that if Louis was fine with his old engagement ring, then he didn’t see the need to. And so, on the morning of October 31st, they saw themselves leaving the City Hall with a marriage certificate in hand, swearing under the law to love and take care of each other for the rest of their lives.

They didn’t tell anyone at first. Not until New Year’s. It wasn’t like anything had changed, really. It was enough for them.

It didn’t seem enough for their families though. Their mothers were over the moon for the union, yes, but not really pleased that they wouldn’t have a proper ceremony with the rest of the family to celebrate their love.

They decided to concede to their wishes, only if they were alright with it being a very intimate party. Anne and Jay agreed to it if that was going to make them happy. 

It was not that they weren’t thrilled with the idea, but they knew it was going to stress them out planning everything, even as small as they wanted. Starting to pick a date really brought them to disagree more than they had in a long while, since on the dates Harry suggested, Louis already knew he would be at a conference or it would be exam week for his students, and for the ones Louis had in mind, Harry had important meetings coming around to close some cases. 

_“Why don’t we just call our close relatives to have brunch at your mum’s, love? That will do, right?” Louis sighed as he lay in bed late at night, exhausted from the day and from the impasse he and Harry were in for the last hour they had been discussing._

_“If it could be that easy.” Harry turned to him, supporting himself on his elbow. “We need to find a time we know we both won’t have anything important around going on, how hard can that be?”_

_It shouldn’t be that hard and they shouldn’t be worrying so much. Louis just wanted to get it over with so their families would stop complaining. They needed to find the easiest solution._

_“Gimme your phone,” he suddenly said. Harry furrowed his brows at him but complied, reaching for it on the bedside table. “Let’s try this, okay?” He grabbed the phone, briefly smiling at the lock screen photo of Harry, him, Clifford and Felix snuggled up together in bed and then entering Harry’s passcode (Louis’ birthday, the sappy dork), not wasting time to open the calendar app. “Now, give me your hand.”_

_Harry kept looking at him, confused, but did as he asked. “What are you up to, Lou?”_

_“We can’t choose a date that’s too close, but we also don’t need to delay it for too long, right?”_

_Harry nodded as Louis got a hold of Harry’s index finger. “Close your eyes. I’ll keep scrolling down and you tell me to stop when you think that’s far enough.”_

_“Okay,” Harry laughed and closed his eyes. Louis closed his too and started moving Harry’s finger down the screen._

_With two swipes down, Harry said “stop!”_

_Both opened their eyes to see it had landed on the month of July._

_“Okay, that looks alright for me,” Louis tilted his head._

_“Yeah, for me too. Now, you give me your hand.” Harry took the phone from Louis and held Louis’ hand in the same way Louis had done with his. “I’ll move your finger around and we’ll pick the day.”_

_Louis assented and closed his eyes. Harry moved his finger up and down, left to right and then in a circle until Louis felt it was enough. “Alright, here.”_

_His finger was on top of the 23rd._

_He inhaled sharply. The date was not any ordinary day for them. It almost felt like faith was pulling its strings when they could not rationally come up with something._

_Smiling at Harry and seeing how Harry was also grinning back at him, he asked. “Where?”_

_Harry’s answer came faster but not unexpectedly. “At the bungalow.”_

From there, it was easier to decide what they wanted and try to turn it into something theirs, in a special way. Because it had to be special now. There was no way they would let the coincidence go unnoticed just to do something half-arsed to please their mothers.

And so they spent the next six months planning every detail carefully. 

From finding a way to make the best of the property to deciding on doing the reception under a sparse and open tent by the lake, and also choosing their best men. Niall’s was Harry’s choice. He said that if it hadn’t been for Niall’s idea of the bungalow reunion, they wouldn’t be where they were now. Louis thought it was fair considering he was choosing Liam.

He could never forget what his friend had told him as they parted on that fateful Sunday at the bungalow. “ _You have a chance to do something right here, Louis. For once, listen to your heart because we both know it’s telling you to do what you’ve been denying yourself for so long. But take care, Tommo._ ” Those words stuck with him on his attempt to drive back home, and along with the lyrics from “Silver” from DMA’s, that’s what helped him decide to go back to Harry. He could never be thankful enough for Liam. 

Zayn wasn’t even disappointed about not being part of the best men clan. He said he was glad to be their DJ as his wedding gift, and Louis and Harry made sure to let him know that when the time came for them to have their first child, he’d be their godfather.

Beside all that, they still had to decide on the theme of the decoration, and finally their outfits.

Outfit that now, Louis is regretting having ever agreed to, for how much he already can feel himself sweat standing under the setting sun that’s shining along the lake in front of them. He knows he can’t blame the outfit for his nervousness, though. It was the perfect choice he and Harry could have picked – a linen dark blue pair of suit and slacks, along with a very light blue dress shirt underneath the jacket. The bowtie is the thing that stands out from the outfit, as the dark green contrasts to all the blue he has going on. It’s also perfect because, as for Harry, he’s wearing the exact same thing, only in the same dark green of Louis’ bowtie, which leaves Harry’s own accessory to be in the same shade of Louis’ blue.

The thought of seeing Harry walk down the small aisle where Louis had just come from a couple of minutes ago dressed like that is the reason why he’s nervous even though there’s no reason for such reaction. It’s the thought, though, that the moment is still important, that it’s been a moment in the making, not only for months, but for years. That this is what they should’ve had ten years ago.

It’s the feeling of thinking that they’ve had such a long run to finally be here that makes him nervous. It’s the feeling that they are finally where they are supposed to be that makes him shiver. It’s knowing that everyone here has been cheering and supporting them for so long that almost makes Louis want to cry, thinking about opening his heart out about his feelings for Harry in front of their family and friends.

But he holds his ground, because he can’t start panicking and crying now, not when the guests sitting in front of him start to look back, to the back deck of the bungalow as Harry and Anne start to come out of the house.

“There he is, mate,” Liam says and Louis doesn’t even need to look at him to know his friend is smiling, because the smile growing on Louis’ face is already there too.

Louis keeps his eyes on Harry, in all his grace, looking the most beautiful Louis has ever seen him, wondering why he ever thought they could skip having a memory like this. He watches Harry make his way closer, smiling so brightly both his dimples are popping out. Anne looks as stunning by his side and he can spot Gemma and Niall following along behind them. But all his attention is on Harry, as he knows Harry has his eyes locked on him too. 

It’s the “I love you” Harry mouths at Louis when he steps at the front of the makeshift altar that makes Louis' nervousness fade away completely. It’s the kiss his mother plants on his forehead before he finds his spot beside Harry that makes him finally calm down. It’s the hold Harry has on his hand that has Louis sure he’s never coming down from feeling so much love for this man.

With Harry standing next to him like this, everything else goes away. He tries to focus on Robin, who’s standing in front of them, talking about love and commitment. He tries to grasp every single word from Harry’s vows. He tries to stay composed as he says his, but before he knows it, Harry’s kissing him gently but in that eager way that always makes Louis’ head float. They kiss deeply and longer than they need to, only to seal the promise they have already made each other all those months ago.

They walk hand in hand down the aisle, but before they head along with everybody to the reception, they have a moment for themselves. That’s the only thing they requested that would stay just between them.

“Are you sure you really want to do this again?” Harry asks, kissing his temple, throwing an arm around Louis’ shoulder as they make their way around the lake.

“That’s a difficult question, love. Were we ready thirteen years ago? We thought so, but…” Louis shakes his head, but squeezes Harry’s middle with his hand. “We’ll never know until the time comes, but I hope… no, I _know_ this time it will be different.”

“I know it too.” Harry stops in his tracks as they reach an open hole on the ground by the big oak tree near the fence.

They had asked Niall, Zayn and Liam to leave it ready for them earlier in the day and their friends had been more than glad to do it when they told them what it was for.

Louis lets out a long breath and lets go of Harry. He searches for the piece of paper he had just folded moments ago in his pocket as Harry does the same.

“These are not our hopes for the future, Lou.” Harry reaches his hand out for Louis to hold it. “This is a testament of our love. We don’t need to come back here in five, ten years to check in with ourselves. This is about us now. This is about us planting the seed for the future, building ground for what’s to come.” He squeezes Louis’ hand, making Louis turn to him, face to face.

“Every word I said today, I know I won’t forget this time.” Louis lifts his head to reach Harry’s lips, letting go of his hand to throw both arms around his neck. Harry envelopes him by his middle, bringing Louis closer to deepen the kiss.

It’s a slow but deep one that makes Louis’ stomach drop and wish to always feel this exact way every time they touch.

“Just for good measure, though, I have a draft at home,” Harry says as they part, laughing against Louis’ lips.

“Me too,” Louis laughs along, resting his forehead against Harry’s. “So, let’s do this?”

Harry nods, pecking on Louis’ lips as they part.

There’s a brand new mason jar waiting by the open hole. Louis grabs it and Harry gives him his letter for Louis to fold it along with his and put them inside the jar. Once the lid is closed, Louis places it inside the hole.

This time there’s no shovel. Harry covers the hole with some of the dirt that was left on a pile with his hands and Louis finishes by kicking the rest of it on top. They do place the same rocks on top of the spot and then, finally regard their work for a moment, arm in arm, Louis’ head resting on Harry’s shoulder.

Harry kisses the top of Louis’ head. “Ready?”

“For you, always,” he replies and they start making their way back as the sun has completely set and the stars start to shine brighter through the twilight sky.

They forget the letters with their vows for the night, but Louis knows that with each day that will pass, in one, five, ten, all the years that they have ahead of them, those words will bind them together along with all the memories they’ve had and ever will.  
  


[ **Harry's vows**](https://sincerely-ste.tumblr.com/post/641502514559270912/harrys-vows-a-thousand-miles-away-from-the-day) /[ **Louis' vows**](https://sincerely-ste.tumblr.com/post/641502582944186368/louis-vows-a-thousand-miles-away-from-the-day)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Harry's vows are based on these poems from Tyler Knott: [x](https://tylerknott.com/post/615518135132536832/typewriter-series-2941-by-tyler-knott-gregson) / [x](https://tylerknott.com/post/163502152332/typewriter-series-1948-by-tyler-knott-gregson)  
> Louis' vows are based on these ones: [x](https://tylerknott.com/post/615242389884485632/typewriter-series-2938-by-tyler-knott-gregson-my) / [x](https://tylerknott.com/post/152396381202/typewriter-series-1675-by-tyler-knott-gregson)
> 
> I also have a tag on my tumblr for all the poems/haikus that I felt related to this fic, you can check it [here](https://whatevertearsyou.tumblr.com/tagged/atma-tag)

**Author's Note:**

> Title from "Still" by Niall Horan :)
> 
> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Subscribe here on ao3 and follow @[perfectdagger](http://perfectdagger.tumblr.com) for more :D
> 
> [Tumblr post](https://perfectdagger.tumblr.com/post/626729118555340800/a-thousand-miles-away-from-the-day-that-we)
> 
> Comments and kudos are always welcome! xx


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